It is really windy outside right now, to the point it is shaking the foundations of the house and blowing windows open. I've also been drinking a lot of water, I'm trying to hydrate and see if that will get rid of these symptoms: red face and congestion. I don't really feel sick, maybe it's just some allergies? I'm not really sure.
I had a psychiatry appointment this morning. For whatever reason this morning I was feeling more out of it than normal. Part of it may have to to do with the fact that I went to bed after one last night. I had a a really good improv show last night, one of the most fun I've had in a while. It was with Jace, me, Ryan Rosenberg and Patrick Carlyle. The four of us had never played together as a team before and it was a blast. The first time we played as wave rhythms, where we start off by getting a suggestion and feeling the vibrations and doing scenes based on material we generate from there. Some of the scenes: guys stoked to watch Entourage until Entourage turns really gay, a hip restaurant where people pee and poo on the walls, a group getting ready to go see "Watch the Throne" but their lame friend that just got off from working at a dog grooming place has the tickets and he smells like dog and has dog hair and blood all over him and has an injured dog that he has to take to the concert (this scene had a couple of us laughing hard into the next scene so...), the next scene was about a guy who's mustache made everyone laugh and eventually have strokes, then there was a scene where Batman got shot and a bunch of butlers were squatting in Wayne Manor. It was a killer show. Then we did another show that was a monoscene, one long scene, it was fun but not as good in comparison.
On my way home I saw a ton of helicopters in the air and there was a lot of traffic downtown. When I got home I looked on Twitter and saw that cops were going to break up the OccupyLA encampments. I watched a live stream of someone at the site, kept up on Twitter and had local news on TV. I watched for about an hour but the engagement between the cops and protesters was mostly peaceful and eventually I decided nothing crazy was going to happen and went to bed.
Like I said, this morning I woke up feeling really out of it. I hurried to get some coffee before my psychiatry appointment at 11:30, but when I showed up I still felt totally groggy and glassyeyed. It didn't stop me from having a good conversation with my psychiatrist. We talked more about expressing myself emotionally and I told her I had cried the night I had smoked. She seemed a little bit concerned that I had lapsed in my sobriety and almost started crying herself when I told her that was when I'd been able to freely express my emotions about what was going on.
I told her about a lot of the recent conversations I've been having and she commented that it sounds like I am talking to everyone except the person that I need to talk to. I would have to agree. I'm sure part of the reason she is avoiding it is because she knows how emotional it is going to be. That is one situation in which I know I will cry. Even thinking about seeing her makes me emotional. Thinking about seeing her makes me want to cry. Thinking about our current situation just makes me angry.
After my appointment today I took Dr. Foster's advice and just let loose with it in the car, yelling, cursing, etc. It felt pretty good and I could feel my eyes start to well up, but it stopped right there. I told the doctor that I usually can only freely cry when I am having a manic episode and she told me sometimes people that have had depressive or manic episodes limit their range of emotions because they are afraid that experiencing them would mean they are having an episode. It made sense to me.
Last night, during my improv show I was sobbing as part of a scene and it felt more real than any crying I've done recently, except maybe in the car, but even that was tempered. The doctor also suggested that talking about things and writing about things can sometimes get in the way of actually feeling things, which means maybe writing about this now is in vain, but I feel better to do this than nothing at all.
My goal for the next week is to think positively in the morning and get my day going early. It didn't really work today. After the psychiatrist I went to the pharmacy to have my prescription filled (good), then went on a long walk and ate lunch at Fiesta Feast (good), then came back and started writing and fell asleep for a couple hours (bad).
Once I woke up I came upstairs and tried to read Infinite Jest to no avail. After reading a couple books that were infinitely more readable, it is hard to return to something so dense. I'm going to try to knock it out, but I'm only a third of the way done and it feels like I'll never finish it. Plus, the plot doesn't seem to be progressing, it is still mostly all character backstory.
So tomorrow I am going to finally have my interview. I feel relaxed and prepared for it. I also heard back about an internship at a comedy production company that I will probably take if I don't get the job, but I'm going to get it. I have to. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I don't look drugged out when I get in there. Wake up, have breakfast, have coffee, groom it up, print out a resume and cover letter. Boom. That's what I have to do, I'm so ready to throw it down.
Alright, that's it.
No comments:
Post a Comment