I dreamt about her last night, really fucked up the beginning of my day. The coffee machine is broken permanently, this is a disaster! I'm out at Starbucks right now, but I didn't get near an outlet and my battery is running a little bit low. Looks like I will have to type quick.
So, I woke up at noon today, after getting home pretty late last night. The show was alright. People seemed to enjoy my performance, even though I was downbeat. We did a monoscene (a one scene set) and I played the same character the whole time. I honestly didn't have much of a character, but we were at a casino where the dealer would let you bet anything and I bet one of the customers.
Today, I had no idea I was even getting up late, I thought it was going to be 9am or something. Because I took my medicine so late, I was still kind of out of it. Rather than going upstairs and being embarrassed about waking up late to the housekeeper that I knew was upstairs, I jumped in my car and drove down to the ocean and listened to the news on NPR and read for a while, turning into a new pastime of mine and then came here to the coffee shop.
I texted Hanna and she is meeting friends in Venice tonight, so looks like we may have to put off our date a little longer, it's okay, I'll keep persisting. She definitely is interested.
So about my dream last night, it was a heartbreaker. In it, I was back in Danville, with her and she was totally accepting of everything that happened and things were back to how they were before my manic episode. Then I woke up. It is always hard to wake up from a really good dream and realize you are back in the real world, where things are infinitely more complicated.
Like I was saying last night, I am definitely stubborn about letting her go. As I was feeling pretty shitty about it, I decided to write her last night. I expressed some of the feelings I've written about here and tried to make her understand why her presence is a positive influence in my life. I'm not sure she'll write back and I didn't pressure her to, but I hope she'lll at least read it.
More than anything, I just wanted to express how I was feeling about coming back to Danville for Thanksgiving and let her know that I wanted to see her, even though I understand (sort of) if she doesn't want to see me.
So, I guess I can blame myself for having a dream about her last night, since I had been focused on writing her this email much of the evening. But the truth is, even when we haven't talked for a while or even when she is on the other side of the world, she manages to creep back in to my conscious in one way or another. I can't help it, my brain is just wired to think about her. After a decade of this, I think it will take considerable time to undo it, certainly, I don't feel like I'm at all there yet. In fact, quite the opposite. I was definitely thinking about her most right after I found out she blocked me on facebook and then for the next week. Things started slowly getting better, but now that I'm getting ready to go back to Danville, it is increasing again and making me feel like crap.
I think my time is almost up here, my parking validation only lasts an hour, but I'm going to continue this somewhere else.
Well, I'm back at the house now. On the way home I got an email about an interview for an assistant/creative executive position. This would be just about the perfect position for me. I'm very excited to interview for this. Not sure what I'm gonna do now. It's Friday, so I should do something. I think I am going to go to the UCB Thanksgiving Day Parade show, even though I can't really find anyone to go with me, I guess I'll see people I know when I get there. I think I am going to head over to Silverlake now, maybe continue this at Silverlake Coffee.
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