I think I might have titled another post the same thing, but that's what I'm doing, so be it. Worked a full day today even though Stan only told me I had to be around for an hour each day this week. Today was my last day with Meredith, she needed to come back to clean some things up and really hand things over to me. I'm feeling a little more confident about things now and also realizing that she didn't know a lot of what was going on either.
But, I won't bore you too much with stuff about work. I did an improv show last night, it was kind of a weird Mach because most people weren't there and there were a lot of fresh faces and a lot of just plain bad improv. My set went okay, but not great. Before that I was at Patrick Carlyle's birthday party and hanging out with Gilli, which was fun. Anything would have been fun! I had been alone basically for two days straight, leaving Danville, then the whole next day in the Palisades. I managed to write 28 pages of a book this last four days, which is pretty productive. Right now I am just trying to get it all out, I figure I can go back and make it poetic later.
Doing this blog has definitely given me a better handle on my writing. It is freeing to know that I can go off on a tangent and then come back to the story I was telling or just push through something that I know has to be in it but I'm not really feeling at the time. I am hyper critical of my writing, but getting some good feedback from this makes me feel like maybe someone else will enjoy it, even if I think it sucks.
Tonight I am going to another birthday party, Rene Gube's, then going to Upright Citizens Brigade New Year's party tomorrow. It will be fun. I went two years ago and it was kind of awkward because I didn't really know a lot of people and felt kind of weird talking to the people I did know. Last year I hosted a New Year's party at my house and it was fun except Kate got to drunk and embarrassed me quite a bit by standing on top of a table and yelling at people among other things. She thought it she was cool at the time.
Yeah, I guess that's about it. Feeling pretty good, not too anxious and I am off until Tuesday, when my aunt and uncle and cousins will all be back at the house. That will be nice, it's too quiet around here and I hate feeling responsible if anything were to happen to the house. Oh well. I'll set the alarm when I leave.
PEACE!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Home Alone
I am back in the Palisades at my aunt and uncle's and they're gone skiing in Switzerland. It's a pretty good setup. I've got the fire going and I'm watching Inside the NBA on TV. I'm stoked that the NBA season has started again. The Kings lost tonight, but they beat the Lakers and the Clippers are looking pretty good too.
I left for the airport at 10 this morning and got home about 3. My flight was a little late and I took the shuttle home. My longest conversation of the day was with the shuttle driver. He wanted to talk about OJ Simpson, since we were driving by where his house used to be. He said people from all over the world were watching that trial, he was in Lebanon at the time. He said that it's all about money and the people with money can afford the lawyers that get them off the hook. He said that if it was him, he would just disappear, get locked away forever without a trial. I couldn't disagree with him, as he was muslim.
That being said, I haven't talked much to anyone today. I called my dad when I got back and I went into the office for a couple hours. Most of my LA friends are gone...Jace, Josh, Kevin, Stefan, Kristin, I think Gilli is here, but I never heard back from her, will call her up again tomorrow.
Going home was fun on Friday, but beyond that I didn't get to hang out with friends like I usually do when I'm home on the holidays. This was the first time ever I felt a little lonely going home and now that I am back I am feeling really lonely, mostly because I am alone and I don't really have any plans now that I am back in LA. I have tentative New Year's plans, but that's it.
I remember in high school when I took a theater workshop the summer before my junior year and I was walking away to go eat lunch by myself and Heather Capizzi called out my name and invited me to lunch with all of the rest of the people in the workshop. Everyone accepted me and made me feel welcome immediately.
I remember in college when I went to audition for the improv team and I felt the same way.
I long to have that feeling again, that I have something and people that want me around, that are calling trying to get me to hang out and leaving messages and texts when I can't. I guess part of it is my fault because I've been absent a lot of the time and now I live way on the other side of town from anyone I could even hang out with. I don't always feel like this, but I'm certainly feeling it now. I texted with Hanna, hoping I could hang out with her this week, but she is seeing someone now. Trying to write, but finding it hard.
I left for the airport at 10 this morning and got home about 3. My flight was a little late and I took the shuttle home. My longest conversation of the day was with the shuttle driver. He wanted to talk about OJ Simpson, since we were driving by where his house used to be. He said people from all over the world were watching that trial, he was in Lebanon at the time. He said that it's all about money and the people with money can afford the lawyers that get them off the hook. He said that if it was him, he would just disappear, get locked away forever without a trial. I couldn't disagree with him, as he was muslim.
That being said, I haven't talked much to anyone today. I called my dad when I got back and I went into the office for a couple hours. Most of my LA friends are gone...Jace, Josh, Kevin, Stefan, Kristin, I think Gilli is here, but I never heard back from her, will call her up again tomorrow.
Going home was fun on Friday, but beyond that I didn't get to hang out with friends like I usually do when I'm home on the holidays. This was the first time ever I felt a little lonely going home and now that I am back I am feeling really lonely, mostly because I am alone and I don't really have any plans now that I am back in LA. I have tentative New Year's plans, but that's it.
I remember in high school when I took a theater workshop the summer before my junior year and I was walking away to go eat lunch by myself and Heather Capizzi called out my name and invited me to lunch with all of the rest of the people in the workshop. Everyone accepted me and made me feel welcome immediately.
I remember in college when I went to audition for the improv team and I felt the same way.
I long to have that feeling again, that I have something and people that want me around, that are calling trying to get me to hang out and leaving messages and texts when I can't. I guess part of it is my fault because I've been absent a lot of the time and now I live way on the other side of town from anyone I could even hang out with. I don't always feel like this, but I'm certainly feeling it now. I texted with Hanna, hoping I could hang out with her this week, but she is seeing someone now. Trying to write, but finding it hard.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas Eve
It is the night before Christmas and I am sitting in the living room watching "It's A Wonderful Life." My dad just went to sleep and my brother went back to his apartment about an hour ago. I flew home Thursday night and spent most of Friday hanging out with Paizis. We took a hike up in the Las Trampas hills and within an hour made it to a spot where you could see the whole Bay Area, from Mt. Diablo, to Bencia, to San Francisco and all the way down to San Jose.
We had a good talk about all kinds of things and I think he is going to try to talk to Kim soon. I wrote her on Thursday, at the suggestion of Dr. Foster, just letting her know that I thought it would be good if we talked and that I feel weird, especially with her being Jen's roommate. Maybe we will talk soon. I don't know.
On Friday night we went to Sarah Garnick's and the Carpenter's Christmas party. It was nice to be able to go having a job and not feeling like a bum. Not as many people were at either of the parties than in other years, but that was alright because I was really happy to see most of the people that were there.
Today I spent most of my time watching football and movies. I went to the Paizis' Christmas party for about an hour and my dad had a friend from AA over to the house to eat dinner with us. He talked to his son on the phone and it was the first time he had heard from him in years and years. He said that his ex-wife wouldn't let them see him. Part of me wondered what he did, but I thought it would be rude to ask and I probably wouldn't get a straight answer. Of course, my dad and him put all the blame on the wife and none on himself. I know not many people deserve that kind of treatment, but there is something about AA that lends itself to not taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions, it wasn't your fault, it was the diseases fault.
--
"It's A Wonderful Life" always makes me think. Is George Bailey representative of the American spirit? The rich and powerful Mr. Potter shows no compassion, whereas George Bailey always does, he doesn't have much security to show for it, but he has a nice home and family and he is able to go to sleep at night knowing he is a good person. It reminds me to be thankful for the things that I do have, even though this year has been so much about thinking about the things I don't have any longer.
Already, at 26 I can feel where George Bailey is coming from, when your reality does not meet the expectations that you had in your youth. The movie is a good reminder to keep being a good person and keep working hard and while you may not have that life of your daydreams, you can have a regular, wonderful life.
I had great expectations for my self coming out of college. For years, even though I was working as a waiter or interning, I never felt like a failure, because I always thought I was on my way to something bigger. Now I feel that that may happen one day if I can be patient enough, but I don't expect it or count on it, does that make me a failure? I think certain people thought I was bound for greater things than I have achieved thus far, including myself, but I now have the perspective that life is long and careers are long too, I don't have to come in and do everything in the first few years, which was sort of my expectation when I arrived in LA.
The other lesson I love about "It's A Wonderful Life" is that George learns not to take all the weight on his shoulders and is saved with the help of all of the friends he made over the years. That is the way I felt when I went to the hospital in August. It was nice having everyone around from my family and my friends and my doctors to support me. It was a similar situation, I was trying to run away from everything only to be saved by the support of the people I've know over the years and my guardian angel. I don't much believe in angels, but I certainly feel lucky for not having been hurt or killed in the experiences I've had. I think it would be really interesting to see how the world would be if you'd never been born, I hope I've made it a better place, I know I've tried.
Merry Christmas.
We had a good talk about all kinds of things and I think he is going to try to talk to Kim soon. I wrote her on Thursday, at the suggestion of Dr. Foster, just letting her know that I thought it would be good if we talked and that I feel weird, especially with her being Jen's roommate. Maybe we will talk soon. I don't know.
On Friday night we went to Sarah Garnick's and the Carpenter's Christmas party. It was nice to be able to go having a job and not feeling like a bum. Not as many people were at either of the parties than in other years, but that was alright because I was really happy to see most of the people that were there.
Today I spent most of my time watching football and movies. I went to the Paizis' Christmas party for about an hour and my dad had a friend from AA over to the house to eat dinner with us. He talked to his son on the phone and it was the first time he had heard from him in years and years. He said that his ex-wife wouldn't let them see him. Part of me wondered what he did, but I thought it would be rude to ask and I probably wouldn't get a straight answer. Of course, my dad and him put all the blame on the wife and none on himself. I know not many people deserve that kind of treatment, but there is something about AA that lends itself to not taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions, it wasn't your fault, it was the diseases fault.
--
"It's A Wonderful Life" always makes me think. Is George Bailey representative of the American spirit? The rich and powerful Mr. Potter shows no compassion, whereas George Bailey always does, he doesn't have much security to show for it, but he has a nice home and family and he is able to go to sleep at night knowing he is a good person. It reminds me to be thankful for the things that I do have, even though this year has been so much about thinking about the things I don't have any longer.
Already, at 26 I can feel where George Bailey is coming from, when your reality does not meet the expectations that you had in your youth. The movie is a good reminder to keep being a good person and keep working hard and while you may not have that life of your daydreams, you can have a regular, wonderful life.
I had great expectations for my self coming out of college. For years, even though I was working as a waiter or interning, I never felt like a failure, because I always thought I was on my way to something bigger. Now I feel that that may happen one day if I can be patient enough, but I don't expect it or count on it, does that make me a failure? I think certain people thought I was bound for greater things than I have achieved thus far, including myself, but I now have the perspective that life is long and careers are long too, I don't have to come in and do everything in the first few years, which was sort of my expectation when I arrived in LA.
The other lesson I love about "It's A Wonderful Life" is that George learns not to take all the weight on his shoulders and is saved with the help of all of the friends he made over the years. That is the way I felt when I went to the hospital in August. It was nice having everyone around from my family and my friends and my doctors to support me. It was a similar situation, I was trying to run away from everything only to be saved by the support of the people I've know over the years and my guardian angel. I don't much believe in angels, but I certainly feel lucky for not having been hurt or killed in the experiences I've had. I think it would be really interesting to see how the world would be if you'd never been born, I hope I've made it a better place, I know I've tried.
Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Break is on
So I finished delivering packages today. I ended up not working the half day that I thought I would. I figured I'd rather just have Stan pay the price of postage and not get paid than to drive all over town to deliver six packages over a number of hours. It feels good to be off and able to really enjoy this free time. It is the last vestige of freedom before what is sure to be a long year, hopefully of work, we'll see how it goes. I am feeling a little more hopeful after the last couple days, although I really wasn't doing the job I had been doing, so I really don't have much of a reason to.
Like I said in my last post, I've had a lot more energy since I started taking...
Sorry, pause. There is a creepy old man staring at this good looking girl in line right in front of me. He stares at her and then when she looks toward him he puts on a grin, then she looks away and he stares at her ass, can't really blame him I guess.
Anyway, yeah, Claritin D is a godsend. I feel sooo much better. It really makes me wonder about how much more I could have accomplished in the recent future had I been taking it and benefiting from a better sleep (and the extra energy of a decongestant). I feel bad for people that suffer from exhaustion, including myself. People that have never experienced it really have no idea what it is like. Yes, people will tell you just to get up and to do things, just get going, just exercise, just cook, just clean. But when you are really feeling the effects of exhaustion, nothing comes easy, everything is a struggle and the only thing that looks comforting is your bed. I've had dreams where I'm tired. That's how tired I've been. Hopefully those days are over, though I don't feel as much energy today as I did yesterday, I still feel a lot better.
Tonight I am going to a holiday potluck, I have to go to the supermarket after this and think up something to bring, maybe beer, holiday beer. I am looking forward to it, it is my first holiday party of the season. Unfortunately, I missed a couple last Saturday because I didn't go out and the Carpenters didn't have their holiday party this year just after Thanksgiving. Justin and Jace are hosting it and I'm sure all kinds of pals and funny folks will be there. I also am giving out my secret Santa gift, I got a couple things and they are pretty good, I won't go into what they are, just incase they were to read this before tonight, which is unlikely.
Thursday I am going back home. I'll be back from the 22nd until the 27th. It sounds short. I think when I get back here I will try to plan a trip somewhere, it will probably be my last chance and my first chance in a long time to go up to the snow or do something fun like that and a lot of people will have time off to do it too.
I wonder what home is going to be like. I definitely want to hang with Paizis, I already talked to Jen and sounds like there is barely going to be time to see her, except maybe on Christmas Eve, but that's how it is.
Tomorrow I'm going to go the psychiatrist, I will have a little better take on my job than I did last week, although like I said, it is completely unfounded. I'll just feel good going in knowing I have more knowledge of what is going on than anyone else will, even if that knowledge is limited. I don't know what else I'm going to talk with her about, probably stuff I hesitate to even mention to frequently on here anymore.
It is 11 days. If I use it wisely I may be able to pump out the first draft of a screenplay I've been concocting in my head. It would be tough but not impossible. I think I will try, probably not, but even if I got a good start and managed like 60 pages, that would be pretty good. I think I can do that.
I am listening to Bon Iver's self titled album right now. Pitchfork said it was the best album of the year. It's pretty good, but I like his first album better. Come to think of it, I didn't listen to a ton of new music this year, or nearly as much music at all. This was the year of the Marc Maron podcast for me. I listened to most of the two hundred plus episodes and of course the Jim Rome show. I guess that is a New Year's resolution for me. I always like to have a fun New Year's resolution rather than something like go to the gym. Last year it was eat more candy, the year before have more sex, the year before smoke more pot, I managed to do each in the corresponding year. This year it will be to listen to more music. I love music and I have always used it to connect to people and to inspire me, but I really have just listened to a lot of talk radio the last year. A big part of it is the cd burner on my computer broke, but that isn't even a great excuse since I have a good radio transmitter thingy. Part of me also just likes listening to NPR because I love news, but too much news is a bad thing.
Yeah. Just put on some Van Morrison "It's Too Late To Stop Now", supposedly one of the greatest live albums ever. Van Morrison is up there as my favorite artists. Sometimes he sounds like he isn't really taking singing too seriously, but I guess that is what I like about it. He does some great vocal improvisations, which of course I am keen on. I think I'm going to go next door to the record store and see if they have it on sale, maybe that will be my contribution to the party. Well, either way, time to get going.
Like I said in my last post, I've had a lot more energy since I started taking...
Sorry, pause. There is a creepy old man staring at this good looking girl in line right in front of me. He stares at her and then when she looks toward him he puts on a grin, then she looks away and he stares at her ass, can't really blame him I guess.
Anyway, yeah, Claritin D is a godsend. I feel sooo much better. It really makes me wonder about how much more I could have accomplished in the recent future had I been taking it and benefiting from a better sleep (and the extra energy of a decongestant). I feel bad for people that suffer from exhaustion, including myself. People that have never experienced it really have no idea what it is like. Yes, people will tell you just to get up and to do things, just get going, just exercise, just cook, just clean. But when you are really feeling the effects of exhaustion, nothing comes easy, everything is a struggle and the only thing that looks comforting is your bed. I've had dreams where I'm tired. That's how tired I've been. Hopefully those days are over, though I don't feel as much energy today as I did yesterday, I still feel a lot better.
Tonight I am going to a holiday potluck, I have to go to the supermarket after this and think up something to bring, maybe beer, holiday beer. I am looking forward to it, it is my first holiday party of the season. Unfortunately, I missed a couple last Saturday because I didn't go out and the Carpenters didn't have their holiday party this year just after Thanksgiving. Justin and Jace are hosting it and I'm sure all kinds of pals and funny folks will be there. I also am giving out my secret Santa gift, I got a couple things and they are pretty good, I won't go into what they are, just incase they were to read this before tonight, which is unlikely.
Thursday I am going back home. I'll be back from the 22nd until the 27th. It sounds short. I think when I get back here I will try to plan a trip somewhere, it will probably be my last chance and my first chance in a long time to go up to the snow or do something fun like that and a lot of people will have time off to do it too.
I wonder what home is going to be like. I definitely want to hang with Paizis, I already talked to Jen and sounds like there is barely going to be time to see her, except maybe on Christmas Eve, but that's how it is.
Tomorrow I'm going to go the psychiatrist, I will have a little better take on my job than I did last week, although like I said, it is completely unfounded. I'll just feel good going in knowing I have more knowledge of what is going on than anyone else will, even if that knowledge is limited. I don't know what else I'm going to talk with her about, probably stuff I hesitate to even mention to frequently on here anymore.
It is 11 days. If I use it wisely I may be able to pump out the first draft of a screenplay I've been concocting in my head. It would be tough but not impossible. I think I will try, probably not, but even if I got a good start and managed like 60 pages, that would be pretty good. I think I can do that.
I am listening to Bon Iver's self titled album right now. Pitchfork said it was the best album of the year. It's pretty good, but I like his first album better. Come to think of it, I didn't listen to a ton of new music this year, or nearly as much music at all. This was the year of the Marc Maron podcast for me. I listened to most of the two hundred plus episodes and of course the Jim Rome show. I guess that is a New Year's resolution for me. I always like to have a fun New Year's resolution rather than something like go to the gym. Last year it was eat more candy, the year before have more sex, the year before smoke more pot, I managed to do each in the corresponding year. This year it will be to listen to more music. I love music and I have always used it to connect to people and to inspire me, but I really have just listened to a lot of talk radio the last year. A big part of it is the cd burner on my computer broke, but that isn't even a great excuse since I have a good radio transmitter thingy. Part of me also just likes listening to NPR because I love news, but too much news is a bad thing.
Yeah. Just put on some Van Morrison "It's Too Late To Stop Now", supposedly one of the greatest live albums ever. Van Morrison is up there as my favorite artists. Sometimes he sounds like he isn't really taking singing too seriously, but I guess that is what I like about it. He does some great vocal improvisations, which of course I am keen on. I think I'm going to go next door to the record store and see if they have it on sale, maybe that will be my contribution to the party. Well, either way, time to get going.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Energy
My doctor noticed I sounded congested for the however manyth week in a row last Wednesday. She suggested I take Claratin D. I finally went out and bought it on Sunday and took it that afternoon and again this morning. It is seriously working like a charm. She explained to me that if you are congested at night you aren't getting a good sleep, no matter how many hours you sleep. So after two days of taking it, I woke up and had normal energy today, for the first time in, I honestly don't know how long, probably before I went to the hospital. It felt really good.
I guess that's it, not a lot to say, just delivering packages all day.
I guess that's it, not a lot to say, just delivering packages all day.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Down and Dreaming
I'm having a down day today. I tried my best to think up something to do, but everyone was busy or not responding. I ended up running some errands and buying a present from my dad at Barnes and Noble and watching football games on TV. I sort of wasted most of the weekend. I need to start planning things further in advance so hopefully people will be able to make the time to hang out with me.
Friday night was fun. I hung out with Stefan and Kristin most of the night. We went to the Good Luck bar and had some drinks there. I guess I drank too much, I had 5 beers at the bar plus some champagne before we left. We had a good time with each other and messed around in Vons on the way back to Stefan's. I hit him in the face with a bag of sauerkraut pretty good. We bought a bunch of bacon that we cooked the next morning, or should I say afternoon. Late that night Gilli and her boyfriend Nick came back and I stayed up chatting with them and their neighbor, Malcom until about four in the morning.
The next day I was a total wreck. I had a terrible headache and could barely do anything. I didn't feel like throwing up, just really tired with a really bad headache. I came back to my aunt and uncle's and fell asleep at about six and didn't get up until this morning. Pretty sad. I'm not going to waste my weekend like that again. I think it was partially drinking the champagne, not having enough water, not having enough to eat, who knows.
This morning I felt really weird because I had slept for so long. No one really noticed I was down here, thank goodness, but it took me over an hour to shake off the daze I was feeling. I guess that is normal when you sleep 12+ hours. So yeah, once I got up, I tried to at least make something of my day, whether I ended up hanging out with people or not. Like I've said before, being on this side of town can be really isolating.
I've been trying to stress less about my job. I am going in early tomorrow to prepare some routes to drop off packages. Tomorrow will be my last day of training with Meredith, then I'll be on my own with Stan. Right now, my honest gut feeling is that I'm going to get fired. I was fired from one job in the past. It was my first serving job and I had lied and said I had serving experience when I didn't. I was working at this little Italian place at the 5 points shopping center in Santa Barbara, the guy who ran it was a mean old (I think) Iranian guy, who pretended he was Italian to uniformed customers.
Serving isn't a hard job, but when you have never done it, you make some mistakes that you don't make once you have had a little practice, like knowing how to make changes to an order, remembering to add things onto a check, etc. I just didn't know these things and I messed up one too many times. My boss never liked me. He was a really impatient guy. Stan reminds me of this guy. I just have that feeling that I am going to mess something up or not do something fast enough for him or just plain not understand how to do something and need to ask him and he will just be fed up and tell me not to come back. I'm going to work hard, but I am over stressing about it already. If he doesn't like me and my skill set, I will go find a job somewhere else and enjoy the unemployment benefits you get when you get fired. I don't want to let down my family, but I have been pretty honest about them about where I am at with the position and my misgivings, so hopefully they would be understanding. I know he has fired assistants before.
Saturday morning he emailed and texted me saying he was thinking about changing his flight to an hour later ten minutes before his limo service arrived to pick him up, he wanted to know what times were available later in the day and if he could use his upgrade. I wasn't able to check this stuff fast enough and his car arrived, so he took the earlier flight. I have a feeling this is how it's going to be. I've got three work related emails from him this weekend. It makes me miss docstoc.
I've had three dreams about Kim in the last week. I haven't been thinking about her as much during the day, but regardless of that, she isn't going away. In each of them we make up to different extents, either we talk, or kiss, or whatever, then I wake up and realize I am alone, I mean, I know I am not alone, but that is how I feel and also, yes, I have been alone most of the last day.
Today in Barnes and Noble I saw a book that made me really sad. It is called 2030...
Friday night was fun. I hung out with Stefan and Kristin most of the night. We went to the Good Luck bar and had some drinks there. I guess I drank too much, I had 5 beers at the bar plus some champagne before we left. We had a good time with each other and messed around in Vons on the way back to Stefan's. I hit him in the face with a bag of sauerkraut pretty good. We bought a bunch of bacon that we cooked the next morning, or should I say afternoon. Late that night Gilli and her boyfriend Nick came back and I stayed up chatting with them and their neighbor, Malcom until about four in the morning.
The next day I was a total wreck. I had a terrible headache and could barely do anything. I didn't feel like throwing up, just really tired with a really bad headache. I came back to my aunt and uncle's and fell asleep at about six and didn't get up until this morning. Pretty sad. I'm not going to waste my weekend like that again. I think it was partially drinking the champagne, not having enough water, not having enough to eat, who knows.
This morning I felt really weird because I had slept for so long. No one really noticed I was down here, thank goodness, but it took me over an hour to shake off the daze I was feeling. I guess that is normal when you sleep 12+ hours. So yeah, once I got up, I tried to at least make something of my day, whether I ended up hanging out with people or not. Like I've said before, being on this side of town can be really isolating.
I've been trying to stress less about my job. I am going in early tomorrow to prepare some routes to drop off packages. Tomorrow will be my last day of training with Meredith, then I'll be on my own with Stan. Right now, my honest gut feeling is that I'm going to get fired. I was fired from one job in the past. It was my first serving job and I had lied and said I had serving experience when I didn't. I was working at this little Italian place at the 5 points shopping center in Santa Barbara, the guy who ran it was a mean old (I think) Iranian guy, who pretended he was Italian to uniformed customers.
Serving isn't a hard job, but when you have never done it, you make some mistakes that you don't make once you have had a little practice, like knowing how to make changes to an order, remembering to add things onto a check, etc. I just didn't know these things and I messed up one too many times. My boss never liked me. He was a really impatient guy. Stan reminds me of this guy. I just have that feeling that I am going to mess something up or not do something fast enough for him or just plain not understand how to do something and need to ask him and he will just be fed up and tell me not to come back. I'm going to work hard, but I am over stressing about it already. If he doesn't like me and my skill set, I will go find a job somewhere else and enjoy the unemployment benefits you get when you get fired. I don't want to let down my family, but I have been pretty honest about them about where I am at with the position and my misgivings, so hopefully they would be understanding. I know he has fired assistants before.
Saturday morning he emailed and texted me saying he was thinking about changing his flight to an hour later ten minutes before his limo service arrived to pick him up, he wanted to know what times were available later in the day and if he could use his upgrade. I wasn't able to check this stuff fast enough and his car arrived, so he took the earlier flight. I have a feeling this is how it's going to be. I've got three work related emails from him this weekend. It makes me miss docstoc.
I've had three dreams about Kim in the last week. I haven't been thinking about her as much during the day, but regardless of that, she isn't going away. In each of them we make up to different extents, either we talk, or kiss, or whatever, then I wake up and realize I am alone, I mean, I know I am not alone, but that is how I feel and also, yes, I have been alone most of the last day.
Today in Barnes and Noble I saw a book that made me really sad. It is called 2030...
"June 12, 2030 started out like any other day in memory—and by then, memories were long. Since cancer had been cured fifteen years before, America’s population was aging rapidly. That sounds like good news, but consider this: millions of baby boomers, with a big natural predator picked off, were sucking dry benefits and resources that were never meant to hold them into their eighties and beyond. Young people around the country simmered with resentment toward “the olds” and anger at the treadmill they could never get off of just to maintain their parents’ entitlement programs.
But on that June 12th, everything changed: a massive earthquake devastated Los Angeles, and the government, always teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, was unable to respond."
For some reason I can't help but shake the feeling that one day all of these lights are going to turn off and that all of these luxuries we take for granted are going to disappear and this job I have will feel like a footnote and all my memories from high school and college will feel like a daydream and I will be in a true struggle to survive.
If a big earthquake did hit LA, what would I do? All of the roads around me would be closed due to landslides. I would have to walk to escape, walk North until I found safety. It isn't fun to think about. Michael Silverblatt, the host of bookworm on KCRW said this Friday he believes the earth is headed for another dark age. That is how I feel too, though I have nothing really to back up this instinct. I don't really like Michael Silverblatt or subscribe to anything he has ever said, but for some reason I just have that feeling. Maybe the feeling is more that the United States is destined to be the next Russia, a country of bitter people destroyed by an overly ambitious central government, one that destroyed natural water sources by rerouting rivers, imperialized, got into unnecessary wars and nuclear arms races, and ended up leaving the people of the country empty handed. Everyone that has been to Russia says that the people there are depressing.
I think the real reason I miss Kim is because she was able to find the humor in my worldview, basically that 99% of everything is bs. It can be depressing, but it is fun to be with someone that finds everything as ridiculous as you do and finds beauty in similar things too. Maybe it was that I found my worldview less depressing when I was with her. Certainly, when I was enjoying my time with her, I was never thinking about the future, but only about the present moment and when I look at the present moment, things are rosier.
I wish I lived back during the enlightenment, when people thought man's future was unlimited and for him to write. Although, if I did live back then, I probably would have lived in something equivalent to a shed and probably would have been a peasant and probably would have died at age like 35, if I even made it that far. So I guess this is better than that.
I wonder if there will be a time during my lifetime where people believe once again that our children will do better than the generation that came before. I wonder if I will ever be in a position where I feel like I can give a better life to a child. I hope so, but it is a long way away right now.
Right now I feel very on edge. This job, oh this job. I hope I get the hang of it quickly and he doesn't have the expectation that I will do the job of his last assistant, who was with him for two and a half years. I really hope I learn a lot and come out of it with the knowledge of how to run a production company, which is entirely possible, if I can manage to stick around long enough.
Kim Jong Il is dead. Nice.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Stressin' Like A Mutha Fucka
Almost done with my first week of work. Thank God. Today I sat at the big boy's desk for the first time. I didn't have much trouble taking calls, messages, etc., but I am more and more starting to worry about the shoes I am filling. This girl has made excel spreadsheets to print checks, which automatically fill the values on the stub below. She keeps the office supplied with like 20 different kinds of paper and envelopes, deposit slips, and company checks, she keeps all of his old movies on dvds and backed up on a drive, she has binders for every project he's worked on in the last couple decades, she has hundreds of pages of paperwork for his attempt to become a Canadian citizen, she has stuff being compiled for his son's bar mitzvah in two years, she has passwords to million different sites and knows everyone he does business with and their phone numbers off the top of her head, she knows his schedule by heart, she knows how he likes his iced tea and how to drive a stick so she can switch their cars in the lot, she knows his restaurants, she knows where to go to find a high quality image of their logo, photoshop it make it Christmas like (which includes putting snow on the letters of the company), then knows how to take that logo, send it to have cotton bags made, and uses mail merge to take a contact list from excel and make labels for all of their addresses in word, she knows how to...eh fuck. You get the point.
There is no way I will ever be that meticulous. I can learn to be more meticulous, sure, but I will never be that meticulous. This girl's mom came and helped organize storage units for work, that is the family she comes from. Maybe I should ask my dad to come down and help me do that. Feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment, like I may get fired any second because he realizes I'm a fraud. I thought they wanted someone that could make their movie better, but no, I think what he really wants is a career assistant (but doesn't want to pay for one) or at least it seems like it so far.
I don't do well in stressful environments. When I am worried about how someone is going to react if I make a mistake, I tend to make a lot more mistakes. It's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. So far, he's been a dick the few times I've messed up and I can't just let things like that roll off my back. I harp on it and let it send me off into a spiral of anxiety. Rather than just move on, keep doing my job, I get focused on trying to win back their favor and being anxious about whether each task that I'm accomplishing is doing that. I've worked for a guy that's made an award winning documentary and another guy that is the producer of a really big tv show, neither of them intimidated me like this guy. He thinks he's big time because he's made 20 lifetime movies? It's okay. In the end, I just work for a guy with an okay movie. That's it. Hopefully I can stick around long enough to make sure the next one is really kick ass. We'll see. We'll see if I have time. For a while I am just going to be flailing to keep up with the personal stuff. So far being an assistant/creative executive has made me feel like a personal assistant and has made my former work as a personal assistant feel like I was a creative executive.
Boo. Expressed these negative sentiments to my aunt and psychiatrist and some friends, they are all telling me to stick with it and I am going to. I hope it will be rewarding.
There is no way I will ever be that meticulous. I can learn to be more meticulous, sure, but I will never be that meticulous. This girl's mom came and helped organize storage units for work, that is the family she comes from. Maybe I should ask my dad to come down and help me do that. Feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment, like I may get fired any second because he realizes I'm a fraud. I thought they wanted someone that could make their movie better, but no, I think what he really wants is a career assistant (but doesn't want to pay for one) or at least it seems like it so far.
I don't do well in stressful environments. When I am worried about how someone is going to react if I make a mistake, I tend to make a lot more mistakes. It's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. So far, he's been a dick the few times I've messed up and I can't just let things like that roll off my back. I harp on it and let it send me off into a spiral of anxiety. Rather than just move on, keep doing my job, I get focused on trying to win back their favor and being anxious about whether each task that I'm accomplishing is doing that. I've worked for a guy that's made an award winning documentary and another guy that is the producer of a really big tv show, neither of them intimidated me like this guy. He thinks he's big time because he's made 20 lifetime movies? It's okay. In the end, I just work for a guy with an okay movie. That's it. Hopefully I can stick around long enough to make sure the next one is really kick ass. We'll see. We'll see if I have time. For a while I am just going to be flailing to keep up with the personal stuff. So far being an assistant/creative executive has made me feel like a personal assistant and has made my former work as a personal assistant feel like I was a creative executive.
Boo. Expressed these negative sentiments to my aunt and psychiatrist and some friends, they are all telling me to stick with it and I am going to. I hope it will be rewarding.
Monday, December 12, 2011
First Day
I am just settling down after a long first day of work. It was kind of a whirlwind. Lot's of different stuff going on and lots of office stuff to figure out that I really am not accustom to. I guess I'll figure it out. This week will be all the training I get and I'll be starting as Stan's assistant in the New Year. It seems like it is going to be a lot of work, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, of course, it was my first day, so I should. The office is full of paperwork that I don't understand and I don't know where anything is. I'm still learning about what my duties are and Meredith seems to be taking care of a lot, it's a shame I only have her around until Friday. I know I can figure things out on the fly, but I also know that a good assistant doesn't need to be told to do things, they just take care of them.
I have a lot of questions to ask her, if I hire an intern do we give them mileage? or better yet will I get mileage? Seems there's going to be a significant amount of driving going on. This week we have to deliver a number of Christmas packages all over Los Angeles, like a hundred or so, I'm pretty sure.
Meredith gave me Stan's movie and I just finished watching it, they changed the title to "Perfect Sisters" today. It was okay, it is still a little rough. Abigail Breslin didn't impress me much and there were a couple times I got thrown off on the plot, I know she is going to ask my opinion tomorrow. Georgie Henley was really good. I think they are already picture locked so there isn't much of a point in giving criticisms that won't be taken.
I am really tired. I slept for a long time last night and still have felt worn out today. I have to do something about this. I'm starting to think Seroquel just makes you tired. I've been doing stuff all day today, so I don't really have boredom as an excuse this time. On the other hand, the other night I missed taking it for the first time and I slept for six hours and then couldn't fall back asleep after about eight in the morning. Part of this has to do with the fact that I slept on the floor.
Kevin's cousin, who lives in Hermosa, offered to let us stay there Saturday night. Because Stefan drove us out there and then told me he was planning on crashing, I got stuck. We went to a fun party at a friend of his cousin's in Hermosa, strangely, I know his cousin from an improv class I took a couple years ago with Jace and Kristin. Then we went to downtown Hermosa and went to a bar where a cheesy cover band was playing. Downtown Hermosa is exactly like Isla Vista, but for young adults.
My favorite part of the whole thing was on Sunday when we hung out at Kevin's and watched football. Kevin's girlfriend Nadia was visiting and Stefan, Kevin, Nadia, and I just hung out and made each other laugh a lot, then we walked and ate some BBQ.
I am dreading having to wake up already, even though I know I'm going to get plenty of sleep. I need to go to the post office tomorrow morning and mail some stuff before I head to the office. Blah!
First day done. Feels good to be working, but I also feel like I'm in over my head, for now. Let's see how I feel after day two.
I have a lot of questions to ask her, if I hire an intern do we give them mileage? or better yet will I get mileage? Seems there's going to be a significant amount of driving going on. This week we have to deliver a number of Christmas packages all over Los Angeles, like a hundred or so, I'm pretty sure.
Meredith gave me Stan's movie and I just finished watching it, they changed the title to "Perfect Sisters" today. It was okay, it is still a little rough. Abigail Breslin didn't impress me much and there were a couple times I got thrown off on the plot, I know she is going to ask my opinion tomorrow. Georgie Henley was really good. I think they are already picture locked so there isn't much of a point in giving criticisms that won't be taken.
I am really tired. I slept for a long time last night and still have felt worn out today. I have to do something about this. I'm starting to think Seroquel just makes you tired. I've been doing stuff all day today, so I don't really have boredom as an excuse this time. On the other hand, the other night I missed taking it for the first time and I slept for six hours and then couldn't fall back asleep after about eight in the morning. Part of this has to do with the fact that I slept on the floor.
Kevin's cousin, who lives in Hermosa, offered to let us stay there Saturday night. Because Stefan drove us out there and then told me he was planning on crashing, I got stuck. We went to a fun party at a friend of his cousin's in Hermosa, strangely, I know his cousin from an improv class I took a couple years ago with Jace and Kristin. Then we went to downtown Hermosa and went to a bar where a cheesy cover band was playing. Downtown Hermosa is exactly like Isla Vista, but for young adults.
My favorite part of the whole thing was on Sunday when we hung out at Kevin's and watched football. Kevin's girlfriend Nadia was visiting and Stefan, Kevin, Nadia, and I just hung out and made each other laugh a lot, then we walked and ate some BBQ.
I am dreading having to wake up already, even though I know I'm going to get plenty of sleep. I need to go to the post office tomorrow morning and mail some stuff before I head to the office. Blah!
First day done. Feels good to be working, but I also feel like I'm in over my head, for now. Let's see how I feel after day two.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Bye Dad!
My dad just left. It was good to see him and hang out for a couple days, but he was annoying me in some ways. He always has to talk himself up, telling my Aunt how he predicted that Euro wasn't going to work, or how he is the only Otte that is good at math. I know he must do this out of insecurity, but at his age, it is time to be comfortable with yourself, though I'm sure he would tell you he is totally comfortable with himself. Had a funny conversation with him about my psychiatry appointments, as he asked me why I was going every week, I told him about what happened with Kim and he just kind of looked at me puzzled, I told him everyone was just telling me to get over it and he agreed, then said, "I'm sure that is what the psychiatrist is telling you." I had to explain to him, that isn't really what psychiatrists do, they listen to you and try to help you. He is great at relating by telling stories about girls that won't talk to him, which he did, but he wasn't too into looking into why something like that would bother me when I told him nothing like this had never happened to me before. Then he talks about kids being messed up because of their parents and I'm just thinking like...does he even know he wasn't around for most of my childhood? I don't think it computes.
My cousin Luzanne, on my dad's side brought up Mike today when we were around, although they never even mentioned his name. They were saying that my aunt and uncle on my mom's side were buying a brick at their church for my mom and family and that they were going to put Jenny and Roger and Michael and Christopher, then my aunt mentioned that she didn't remember my step dad's name but just thought they still count Roger as Jenny's husband and that Mike (or whatever his name was according to my aunt) didn't count. Holy shit. My mom would be rolling in her grave if she wasn't cremated. First of all, she was married to Mike for much longer than she was married to my dad and secondly, she hated my dad, by the time she died they had made amends, but they still were not close at all. Well, I just said said something like, "Nobody will complain about that," and everybody laughed. Yeah, my whole family hates him, the only person to complain would have been my mom, which I think is important to remember, but I didn't want to say that around my dad, he would have been hurt by that.
Also we saw Jennifer Garner on Thursday, the paparazzi were all around trying to take pictures of her. I explained the situation to my dad because he couldn't tell they were paparazzi, then he preceded to ask me why so many guys were following her, explaining she was "a nobody", but he still peeked into the restaurant she ducked into to try and catch a glimpse. I felt like I was rolling my eyes a lot this weekend. It will be better when I go home and we are just hanging around with my brother.
So I got the job, finally, on Friday. I'm pretty excited. I'm going to be training the next couple weeks and the girl I am replacing will be gone in the new year. I'm going to pay off my car, my car insurance, get a new laptop and a new screen for my phone, save up a bit, and then it will be time to move out. I figure all this might take three or four months, but I think my aunt and uncle will be cool with that, I think they are happy that it took a relatively short amount of time for me to find work and that I got the first job I came close on.
I will be traveling to the film festivals, which will be awesome and the first time I'll have gone anywhere other than Danville in a while. I'll also be learning a lot about how to distribute a movie, since they haven't found distribution yet and the movie is just getting finished. Then he will be working on a new screenplay, which I will get to help develop and then I will hopefully get to have some hand in the production of his next film. It should be a really good learning experience for me. Hopefully I can get some pretty long term employment and come out of this with a good idea of where I fit in the whole operation.
I will be alone in the office a lot during the day, which I like because it means that when I am off I can focus on being social and seeing the people that I want to see. The office is in Santa Monica, so I'll have a big choice of whether to move across town or to stay on the Westside. I think I'll probably end up back in Silverlake or Los Feliz, even though the drive is a bitch.
--
Right now I am in Starbucks in the Palisades waiting to go out in Hermosa. I'm ready to have some fun tonight and celebrate my victory. I may call up Hanna because she is staying in Hermosa right now. Basically just hanging here until I hear from Stefan or Kevin, who are both going out tonight. I was thinking about going to the other side of town, but didn't hear from anyone in time.
--
Just heard from my buddy Charlie on facebook, he is from England and is going to be visiting in the month of February. That is going to be a crazy month. He wants to go on trips to SB and Vegas. Jace and I went with him to Vegas three or four years ago and it was a hell of a time and this was before "The Hangover" made crazy times in Vegas a cliche, although I guess it was already a cliche. I lost like a hundred bucks gambling drunk, but it was worth it. Haven't spoken with him much since last time he was here, but he broke up with his girlfriend and he always did well with the American girls, I'm sure he is ready for a comeback.
--
Okay, Kevin told me he's hanging out, I'm gonna stop wasting my time and start celebrating!
My cousin Luzanne, on my dad's side brought up Mike today when we were around, although they never even mentioned his name. They were saying that my aunt and uncle on my mom's side were buying a brick at their church for my mom and family and that they were going to put Jenny and Roger and Michael and Christopher, then my aunt mentioned that she didn't remember my step dad's name but just thought they still count Roger as Jenny's husband and that Mike (or whatever his name was according to my aunt) didn't count. Holy shit. My mom would be rolling in her grave if she wasn't cremated. First of all, she was married to Mike for much longer than she was married to my dad and secondly, she hated my dad, by the time she died they had made amends, but they still were not close at all. Well, I just said said something like, "Nobody will complain about that," and everybody laughed. Yeah, my whole family hates him, the only person to complain would have been my mom, which I think is important to remember, but I didn't want to say that around my dad, he would have been hurt by that.
Also we saw Jennifer Garner on Thursday, the paparazzi were all around trying to take pictures of her. I explained the situation to my dad because he couldn't tell they were paparazzi, then he preceded to ask me why so many guys were following her, explaining she was "a nobody", but he still peeked into the restaurant she ducked into to try and catch a glimpse. I felt like I was rolling my eyes a lot this weekend. It will be better when I go home and we are just hanging around with my brother.
So I got the job, finally, on Friday. I'm pretty excited. I'm going to be training the next couple weeks and the girl I am replacing will be gone in the new year. I'm going to pay off my car, my car insurance, get a new laptop and a new screen for my phone, save up a bit, and then it will be time to move out. I figure all this might take three or four months, but I think my aunt and uncle will be cool with that, I think they are happy that it took a relatively short amount of time for me to find work and that I got the first job I came close on.
I will be traveling to the film festivals, which will be awesome and the first time I'll have gone anywhere other than Danville in a while. I'll also be learning a lot about how to distribute a movie, since they haven't found distribution yet and the movie is just getting finished. Then he will be working on a new screenplay, which I will get to help develop and then I will hopefully get to have some hand in the production of his next film. It should be a really good learning experience for me. Hopefully I can get some pretty long term employment and come out of this with a good idea of where I fit in the whole operation.
I will be alone in the office a lot during the day, which I like because it means that when I am off I can focus on being social and seeing the people that I want to see. The office is in Santa Monica, so I'll have a big choice of whether to move across town or to stay on the Westside. I think I'll probably end up back in Silverlake or Los Feliz, even though the drive is a bitch.
--
Right now I am in Starbucks in the Palisades waiting to go out in Hermosa. I'm ready to have some fun tonight and celebrate my victory. I may call up Hanna because she is staying in Hermosa right now. Basically just hanging here until I hear from Stefan or Kevin, who are both going out tonight. I was thinking about going to the other side of town, but didn't hear from anyone in time.
--
Just heard from my buddy Charlie on facebook, he is from England and is going to be visiting in the month of February. That is going to be a crazy month. He wants to go on trips to SB and Vegas. Jace and I went with him to Vegas three or four years ago and it was a hell of a time and this was before "The Hangover" made crazy times in Vegas a cliche, although I guess it was already a cliche. I lost like a hundred bucks gambling drunk, but it was worth it. Haven't spoken with him much since last time he was here, but he broke up with his girlfriend and he always did well with the American girls, I'm sure he is ready for a comeback.
--
Okay, Kevin told me he's hanging out, I'm gonna stop wasting my time and start celebrating!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Hi Dad!
My dad is visiting right now. He came in yesterday afternoon. He is down here trying to land a new magazine drive account. So far things have been alright between us, if not a little strained. I became kind of upset with him yesterday when he asked me if I should get a part-time job. I responded with an emphatic "no". Finding a part-time job isn't any easier or harder than finding a full-time job and if I had one I know it would mess up my search. He also told me I should "get an agent" at dinner. As if it is easy and as if anyone would want to represent someone that has never been paid to write anything.
We went to see "The Descendants" yesterday. It was an excellent film. In it, this woman who has been cheating on her husband is in a coma due to a boating accident and George Clooney has to go around letting his family and daughters know that his wife is going to die. It brought me back pretty viscerally to when my mom was sick. I teared up a couple times, especially when characters privately were saying goodbye to her in her hospital bed. It reminded me of the last time I said goodbye to my mom, when she had already been unconscious for a good period of time.
When we got back, my aunt and cousins were all eating. We told them about what movie we went to see and instead of talking about it's merits or about what the experience of seeing it was like she quizzed me on distribution, directors and producers (which I did not know), preceded to tell me I needed to know these kind of things if I wanted to be in the industry, then told me I should have a subscription to "Variety." Jesus. Couldn't catch a break.
--
I went to the psychiatrist on Wednesday and she said that all of my talking with people and writing and everything came off as a little frantic, as if I am frantic to find a solution to this whole mess of my life. I guess she is right, I will really have the solution when I am peaceful and not searching. Hopefully that dad is coming soon.
She also seemed to think that I am making progress. Last night I kind of had a moment of realization, I'll stop short of calling it an epiphany, but I sort of realized that all of these attempts to "figure stuff out" by talking to people and write, really in order to correct something that has gone wrong in my life is beside the point. The point is to really feel better on a day to day basis.
This last manic episode was so different from the ones before. It was so much more controlled, much more tempered, though I did put myself in harms way, I was not nearly as erratic and out of control as in times before. I knew to get myself to the hospital. It lasted for much longer too, building up over a period of weeks and taking a long time (after I got out of the hospital) to retreat.
I don't know what else to say about it. I don't want the negative parts to ever come back, but I could use some of the more positive aspects, being more social, having more energy, being more creative, I don't know when those things will return, as I just feel tired all the time, worn out. Not so much depressed, just like I don't have enough energy to really seize the day.
So I guess the truth is, figuring things out with Kim has been this mental obstacle that I have frantically been trying to address, but it hasn't been working. I've felt has been infringing on my happiness, but I can make myself feel better without her, in a more patient, calm, and healthy way. Last night I had Mach improv and it felt really nice to hang out and talk to people afterward and realize I am making new friends. I am semi-jealous that everyone there seems to be doing so much other stuff and that is really the only thing I have going for me, but I know it is within my power to write and film and edit sketches if I really want to. It would be nice for someone to ask me to be on a team or to write with them, but if that's not going to happen, I'll take friendships.
--
Hm. Don't have anything else to say really. Please, someone, give me a fucking job!
We went to see "The Descendants" yesterday. It was an excellent film. In it, this woman who has been cheating on her husband is in a coma due to a boating accident and George Clooney has to go around letting his family and daughters know that his wife is going to die. It brought me back pretty viscerally to when my mom was sick. I teared up a couple times, especially when characters privately were saying goodbye to her in her hospital bed. It reminded me of the last time I said goodbye to my mom, when she had already been unconscious for a good period of time.
When we got back, my aunt and cousins were all eating. We told them about what movie we went to see and instead of talking about it's merits or about what the experience of seeing it was like she quizzed me on distribution, directors and producers (which I did not know), preceded to tell me I needed to know these kind of things if I wanted to be in the industry, then told me I should have a subscription to "Variety." Jesus. Couldn't catch a break.
--
I went to the psychiatrist on Wednesday and she said that all of my talking with people and writing and everything came off as a little frantic, as if I am frantic to find a solution to this whole mess of my life. I guess she is right, I will really have the solution when I am peaceful and not searching. Hopefully that dad is coming soon.
She also seemed to think that I am making progress. Last night I kind of had a moment of realization, I'll stop short of calling it an epiphany, but I sort of realized that all of these attempts to "figure stuff out" by talking to people and write, really in order to correct something that has gone wrong in my life is beside the point. The point is to really feel better on a day to day basis.
This last manic episode was so different from the ones before. It was so much more controlled, much more tempered, though I did put myself in harms way, I was not nearly as erratic and out of control as in times before. I knew to get myself to the hospital. It lasted for much longer too, building up over a period of weeks and taking a long time (after I got out of the hospital) to retreat.
I don't know what else to say about it. I don't want the negative parts to ever come back, but I could use some of the more positive aspects, being more social, having more energy, being more creative, I don't know when those things will return, as I just feel tired all the time, worn out. Not so much depressed, just like I don't have enough energy to really seize the day.
So I guess the truth is, figuring things out with Kim has been this mental obstacle that I have frantically been trying to address, but it hasn't been working. I've felt has been infringing on my happiness, but I can make myself feel better without her, in a more patient, calm, and healthy way. Last night I had Mach improv and it felt really nice to hang out and talk to people afterward and realize I am making new friends. I am semi-jealous that everyone there seems to be doing so much other stuff and that is really the only thing I have going for me, but I know it is within my power to write and film and edit sketches if I really want to. It would be nice for someone to ask me to be on a team or to write with them, but if that's not going to happen, I'll take friendships.
--
Hm. Don't have anything else to say really. Please, someone, give me a fucking job!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Still haven't heard back from the job I gave my salary requirement to on Friday. I don't think $125 negotiable is out of the range they were planning on hiring me for, so I am hoping the guy who is hiring just got busy and hasn't had time to think about it the last couple days, that's totally possible, but it is still kind of bumming me out.
Last night I went on a date with Hanna, the British girl I met at the Shortstop a couple weeks back, she actually texted me to see if I wanted to go out to have a drink with her in Burbank. I had planned on going to see an improv show, Winslow (Gilli's Harold team) at the Uprigth Citizens Brigade, so I asked her if she wanted to meet me there and she agreed.
I carpooled across town with Kevin, he didn't get out of work till 7:15, which put us in a precarious situation, since traveling from Santa Monica to UCB would normally take about an hour at that time. However, we got extremely lucky and hit barely any traffic, arriving at 7:45 or so, it was a mini-miracle. We also found amazing parking.
On the way over Kevin and I talked about what was going on with him at docstoc, I like getting the update on what I am missing out on, since I used to work there. Apparently he sent the higher ups a strongly worded email urging them to have more transparent pricing based on customer complaints. I was proud of him, but can understand where they were angry with him, telling him never to send something like that in an email and that if they didn't like him so much, they would have thought that letter signaled that it was time to get a new customer service representative.
Once we arrived, I realized we were one reservation short, now that Hanna was joining us. Luckily, again, right behind me in line was this guy Indrees that I met a couple weeks back, at the first Winslow show I went to. He was able to hook me up with an extra reservation, which I used to get Hanna in. I didn't have five bucks to pay for her, but luckily (again!) she had some cash.
The show was great, Winslow is definitely a funny team and it was good to show Hanna that I had some friends, since the first time I met her I was literally by myself at a bar, after all my friends had left. Afterward we went and got drinks and talked a bit, revealing that neither of us really have jobs and that we both live at other people's places. She is roommates with a seven year old girl. She sleeps in a bunk bed. These were all fun juicy details. She is twenty-eight, making her the oldest girl I have ever dated. But I'm cool with that, she is easy going and doesn't seem to have any expectations about anything at this point, which is good. She also contacted me after we hadn't talked in a while, sometimes I need a little prodding to get me out.
I am pretty good at going out on dates, taking girls out and being charming enough and asking inquisitive questions and making them laugh. It is always better when I am a little bit mysterious. I am in the weird situation now of knowing I have bipolar and I know that this will have to be a conversation eventually, it isn't exactly something I really want to talk about. I don't know if I'll have to with her, as it seems things will stay pretty casual, but for a real girlfriend, I will have to, it feels deceptive to entice someone into being with you, only to tell them your flaws after they've already made a commitment, but I don't know how else you do it. I'm certainly not going to be talking about it on a first date, I haven't even told her my mom died yet, so much baggage, where do I even begin? I think maybe this is the reason I haven't been trying much to form new relationships and also why I liked Kim so much, she accepted everything that happened to me and new everything, more than anyone else in more detail and she still liked me, maybe even loved me, until the last thing, then it all got shit on big time.
See, Hanna just texted me and referred to me as "funny boy". Yeah, I come across funny at first, if you don't know me well. I guess I am being a little hard on myself because I am mostly thinking of how my relationship went with Kate, where at first I was really happy to be with her, but at the end was mostly ambivalent and bored, I know she could sense it. Part of it was her, the parts of her personality I kept seeing were things I liked less and less over time, but I also know that ambivalence and boredom are feelings I feel a lot of the time. That stuff informs my humor to a large extent, because I am rarely impressed by anything I am able to cut through it with a sharpened critical blade, but I know it must also be a pain to be around me all the time. When I have sort of limited social engagements it's no big deal, I can go out and be like, "Yeah, I'm doing really well," it seems like everyone is always doing really well. Is this true? Or are people just really good liars? I mean, yeah, I'm doing alright. Why do you expect anything more than that?
Kate saw that side of me. My dad and my brother see it and I they are a couple of the people that totally understand and actually enjoy when they ask, "How are things?" and you say, "Pretty shitty." My friends see it a little bit, but like I said it gets old. I try to be good around my family here, as I don't want them to think I'm unappreciative of their support.
Happiness is such an elusive thing. It seems like some people just have it and when you have it, it seems to perpetuate itself. It makes you more successful, it makes you want to get out more, it makes people like you. When you are happy, good things just seem to be happening and then you are happy and that causes more good things to happen, which make you happier.
I've been feeling happy lately when I am out with my friends. This is a good thing. When I first left the hospital I felt great, but in the weeks after I felt socially awkward and strangely quiet for me. I think this is just because I didn't want to talk a lot about my recent experiences and those were the things that were on the top of my mind or maybe I shouldn't say I didn't want to talk about them, but others certainly didn't know how to approach me about them.
I don't know if there has ever been a time when I felt happy alone. I remember being alone, even back in middle school and earlier and feeling so sad and lonely. I usually had my brother around when my mom and step-dad weren't around the house, but in the times when I was completely alone in the room with my thoughts, my thoughts always leaned toward the depressing. I've always been pining after some girl, I'm always missing something, there is always something I need to complete myself. In retrospect, most of my memories are happy, but when I go back and read my writing it is always really sad and longing. I think a big part of it is journals have always been how I expressed the things I couldn't express to anyone else, so I never bothered writing about the things that were good.
All I ever tried to do was write what was real. In social situations I really can fake it and it totally becomes real. I put on a smile, say things are good and before you know it I am laughing and having a great time. Being around people makes me feel whole. My best memories are when I was with a bunch of friends driving somewhere or hanging out in someone's living room. Unfortunately, as I've become older, those times have become fewer and further between.
Then I am by myself again and I shut down. Some days I can read books and exercise, all days I can play guitar and listen to music and write and read news. Some days I can clean and get my laundry done and fill out paperwork and go run errands, all days I can get in the shower and groom a little bit and make myself something simple to eat. Mostly, when I am by myself, I just sit around, sort of trapped in my own thoughts, wondering what or who is going to break me out of it.
I think having a wife and kids to see everyday would make me happy, but it would be a really selfish thing to have a family merely for the reason of my own personal happiness. I really don't feel I could ever have a family until I was reasonably sure I could but them in a position to have a better fuller life than my own and i don't know if I will ever feel that way.
I could also be happy if I could turn my career into something where I could be around my friends all the time. This would probably mean being part of a comedy production company with people I know, this is a long way off, but who knows, it could happen someday if I play my cards right.
Today I really haven't done much. I walked a couple miles. I went to the post office and picked up my mail. I played some guitar. Now I am writing this. I was up at 10:00, but I took a nap in the early afternoon before I went on my walk. I want to do more, I want more to do. I want a job! I wish I had some friends on this side of town that were off during the day. I'd like to go play basketball with Rob, but I can't bring myself to drive all the way across town just to play basketball.
If I get this job in Santa Monica, I don't know what I'll do. Part of me really wants to live on the other side of town, closer to friends, closer to improv, but another part of me will want to be closer to work, not wanting to commute everyday. I guess we'll see, as it's largely possible that I won't even get this job anyway, I don't really need to be worrying about it.
--
I need to drink more water. That was the one thing I took away from my trip to the hospital, but I've been bad about it the last couple days. I have had coffee mouth, wine mouth, dry mouth from pills, yeah. I'm going to go drink a big glass of water. That will be good.
Last night I went on a date with Hanna, the British girl I met at the Shortstop a couple weeks back, she actually texted me to see if I wanted to go out to have a drink with her in Burbank. I had planned on going to see an improv show, Winslow (Gilli's Harold team) at the Uprigth Citizens Brigade, so I asked her if she wanted to meet me there and she agreed.
I carpooled across town with Kevin, he didn't get out of work till 7:15, which put us in a precarious situation, since traveling from Santa Monica to UCB would normally take about an hour at that time. However, we got extremely lucky and hit barely any traffic, arriving at 7:45 or so, it was a mini-miracle. We also found amazing parking.
On the way over Kevin and I talked about what was going on with him at docstoc, I like getting the update on what I am missing out on, since I used to work there. Apparently he sent the higher ups a strongly worded email urging them to have more transparent pricing based on customer complaints. I was proud of him, but can understand where they were angry with him, telling him never to send something like that in an email and that if they didn't like him so much, they would have thought that letter signaled that it was time to get a new customer service representative.
Once we arrived, I realized we were one reservation short, now that Hanna was joining us. Luckily, again, right behind me in line was this guy Indrees that I met a couple weeks back, at the first Winslow show I went to. He was able to hook me up with an extra reservation, which I used to get Hanna in. I didn't have five bucks to pay for her, but luckily (again!) she had some cash.
The show was great, Winslow is definitely a funny team and it was good to show Hanna that I had some friends, since the first time I met her I was literally by myself at a bar, after all my friends had left. Afterward we went and got drinks and talked a bit, revealing that neither of us really have jobs and that we both live at other people's places. She is roommates with a seven year old girl. She sleeps in a bunk bed. These were all fun juicy details. She is twenty-eight, making her the oldest girl I have ever dated. But I'm cool with that, she is easy going and doesn't seem to have any expectations about anything at this point, which is good. She also contacted me after we hadn't talked in a while, sometimes I need a little prodding to get me out.
I am pretty good at going out on dates, taking girls out and being charming enough and asking inquisitive questions and making them laugh. It is always better when I am a little bit mysterious. I am in the weird situation now of knowing I have bipolar and I know that this will have to be a conversation eventually, it isn't exactly something I really want to talk about. I don't know if I'll have to with her, as it seems things will stay pretty casual, but for a real girlfriend, I will have to, it feels deceptive to entice someone into being with you, only to tell them your flaws after they've already made a commitment, but I don't know how else you do it. I'm certainly not going to be talking about it on a first date, I haven't even told her my mom died yet, so much baggage, where do I even begin? I think maybe this is the reason I haven't been trying much to form new relationships and also why I liked Kim so much, she accepted everything that happened to me and new everything, more than anyone else in more detail and she still liked me, maybe even loved me, until the last thing, then it all got shit on big time.
See, Hanna just texted me and referred to me as "funny boy". Yeah, I come across funny at first, if you don't know me well. I guess I am being a little hard on myself because I am mostly thinking of how my relationship went with Kate, where at first I was really happy to be with her, but at the end was mostly ambivalent and bored, I know she could sense it. Part of it was her, the parts of her personality I kept seeing were things I liked less and less over time, but I also know that ambivalence and boredom are feelings I feel a lot of the time. That stuff informs my humor to a large extent, because I am rarely impressed by anything I am able to cut through it with a sharpened critical blade, but I know it must also be a pain to be around me all the time. When I have sort of limited social engagements it's no big deal, I can go out and be like, "Yeah, I'm doing really well," it seems like everyone is always doing really well. Is this true? Or are people just really good liars? I mean, yeah, I'm doing alright. Why do you expect anything more than that?
Kate saw that side of me. My dad and my brother see it and I they are a couple of the people that totally understand and actually enjoy when they ask, "How are things?" and you say, "Pretty shitty." My friends see it a little bit, but like I said it gets old. I try to be good around my family here, as I don't want them to think I'm unappreciative of their support.
Happiness is such an elusive thing. It seems like some people just have it and when you have it, it seems to perpetuate itself. It makes you more successful, it makes you want to get out more, it makes people like you. When you are happy, good things just seem to be happening and then you are happy and that causes more good things to happen, which make you happier.
I've been feeling happy lately when I am out with my friends. This is a good thing. When I first left the hospital I felt great, but in the weeks after I felt socially awkward and strangely quiet for me. I think this is just because I didn't want to talk a lot about my recent experiences and those were the things that were on the top of my mind or maybe I shouldn't say I didn't want to talk about them, but others certainly didn't know how to approach me about them.
I don't know if there has ever been a time when I felt happy alone. I remember being alone, even back in middle school and earlier and feeling so sad and lonely. I usually had my brother around when my mom and step-dad weren't around the house, but in the times when I was completely alone in the room with my thoughts, my thoughts always leaned toward the depressing. I've always been pining after some girl, I'm always missing something, there is always something I need to complete myself. In retrospect, most of my memories are happy, but when I go back and read my writing it is always really sad and longing. I think a big part of it is journals have always been how I expressed the things I couldn't express to anyone else, so I never bothered writing about the things that were good.
All I ever tried to do was write what was real. In social situations I really can fake it and it totally becomes real. I put on a smile, say things are good and before you know it I am laughing and having a great time. Being around people makes me feel whole. My best memories are when I was with a bunch of friends driving somewhere or hanging out in someone's living room. Unfortunately, as I've become older, those times have become fewer and further between.
Then I am by myself again and I shut down. Some days I can read books and exercise, all days I can play guitar and listen to music and write and read news. Some days I can clean and get my laundry done and fill out paperwork and go run errands, all days I can get in the shower and groom a little bit and make myself something simple to eat. Mostly, when I am by myself, I just sit around, sort of trapped in my own thoughts, wondering what or who is going to break me out of it.
I think having a wife and kids to see everyday would make me happy, but it would be a really selfish thing to have a family merely for the reason of my own personal happiness. I really don't feel I could ever have a family until I was reasonably sure I could but them in a position to have a better fuller life than my own and i don't know if I will ever feel that way.
I could also be happy if I could turn my career into something where I could be around my friends all the time. This would probably mean being part of a comedy production company with people I know, this is a long way off, but who knows, it could happen someday if I play my cards right.
Today I really haven't done much. I walked a couple miles. I went to the post office and picked up my mail. I played some guitar. Now I am writing this. I was up at 10:00, but I took a nap in the early afternoon before I went on my walk. I want to do more, I want more to do. I want a job! I wish I had some friends on this side of town that were off during the day. I'd like to go play basketball with Rob, but I can't bring myself to drive all the way across town just to play basketball.
If I get this job in Santa Monica, I don't know what I'll do. Part of me really wants to live on the other side of town, closer to friends, closer to improv, but another part of me will want to be closer to work, not wanting to commute everyday. I guess we'll see, as it's largely possible that I won't even get this job anyway, I don't really need to be worrying about it.
--
I need to drink more water. That was the one thing I took away from my trip to the hospital, but I've been bad about it the last couple days. I have had coffee mouth, wine mouth, dry mouth from pills, yeah. I'm going to go drink a big glass of water. That will be good.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I really hope I am offered this position tomorrow. It would feel great to have a job again. I never thought I'd say this. For a long time I'd hoped to find a way to go through life without ever having a typical job. Well, I figure I'm still sort of on that track as the jobs I've had haven't really been typical, except Docstoc.
When I was in college, I thought I'd be able to make it as a writer and comedian. I guess in another universe this could have happened. Being at UCSB was amazing in a lot of aspects, but it certainly didn't plug me into the comedy and entertainment world the way it does if you go to NYU or USC. In a way, it turned out for the best because I was able to grow and develop my own sense of humor, in another way it wasn't for the best because while I grew artistically, I have no sense of what I needed to do to be successful at it in any realistic way when I first came to LA.
I sort of just assumed people would see me and immediately realize that I was incredible and give me some money to write for a show or something, really I hadn't thought about it much further than that. Turns out you need contacts, portfolios, headshots and the like to really get anywhere. I wasn't much for doing any of that stuff, I'm still not. I figure one day I'll either have the money to make a movie on my own and on my own terms or it will never happen and that's not such a tragedy. Lots of people want to make movies and never get to do it. I see all of them sitting in coffee shops working on their hopeless screenplays on their MacBook Pros constantly.
If I get this job it is highly possible I'll be traveling around to film festivals to assist Stan as they screen his new film. This would be really fun for me. I'm really interested to see how that part of the process works, the only festivals I've ever gone to are in LA and Santa Barbara. I also haven't been out of the state since 2006, except one trip to Vegas, which doesn't really count. So that would be exciting for me. I'd have to go get myself a passport too, just in case I have to leave the country, ahh feels freeing just to even say it.
--
I did yoga yesterday and I my hips are pretty sore. Even though my hamstrings, hips and shoulders are so tight they prevent me from doing a lot of the moves, I still credit yoga for making some big changes in my life. Being more in touch with and understanding my body has helped immensely with sciatica, for years I couldn't play basketball or tennis because of lower back pain and finally through yoga and stretching I've realized my bodies limits. I also credit it for helping with Crohn's Disease. It has taught me how to breath to relieve tension in my abdomen and this is highly preferential to taking meds. I think the doctor would have had me on medication forever. Leads me to believe I can one day be off 'mood stabilizers' too. I don't know when or if that will ever happen. I know my doctor doesn't want that to happen, but the truth is, the last couple times I've had manic episodes, I had no doctor and no medication to take when I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what to do and was afraid to tell anyone, I know that wouldn't be the case now and I think taking a colonopin every once in a while when I couldn't sleep would be preferable to taking Seroquel all the time.
I am still pretty tired a lot of the time, I think a lot of this has to do with not having much to do, but part of it must also be Seroquel, it just makes me tired. My doctor has suggested I take something else to give me more energy but this scares me. I don't want to take any more meds than are absolutely necessary, as you can probably tell as I am even questioning the one I am taking now. I think taking more would make me even more paranoid and form what I hear taking meds that give you more energy can make you more prone to manic episodes and I'd rather sleep a lot than run into one of those again.
--
I'm listening to Battle Studies by John Mayer, really for the first time. This album has, in my mind, proved so many of his haters right. It's made him harder to defend, eschewing in adult contemporary, slow rhythms, lyrics really sap heavy, as if Ben Folds made an album where every song was "The Luckiest." In any case, I'm going to listen to it, just to see what's up. "All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye" - can relate to that one, but even so, its lyrics are not evocative of anything specific like most songs on his other album and the guitar seems to be simple chords with layered solos on top.
I've always liked John Mayer. A lot of my friends listened to "Room For Squares" in high school. Listening to it still totally takes me back to that time, the end of my junior and then senior year. I was just starting to play guitar and playing anything by John Mayer is a real challenge. Whereas, if you can master bar chords, you've learned everything by Jack Johnson in one day, to play John Mayer, you had to learn how to stretch like five frets and hold the low E with your thumb, not to mention, you had to pick specific strings rather than just strum.
I went to see him a couple times and he was always a really great live show. One of the cooler memories I have is him and another guy soloing one one guitar at the same time. He was great on "Room For Squares" because as a kid in high school, who had friends but was not at all popular and couldn't figure things out with the ladies, he seemed equally lost and pinning, but intent on growing and figuring it out.
His next album "Heavier Things" was alright, but nothing, in my mind in comparison to his first. Then, when I was in Italy, in the Fall of 2006, he came out with "Continuum." I loved this album through and through. I loved that it took songs from his blues album "Try," I loved that it was an anti-war album for generation-y, at a time when we really believed we could wait on the world to change. "Stop This Train" was like a PS to "Room For Squares," he was far away from that place, coming back for one fleeting moment that quickly disappeared, just to "cry as you're driving away in the dark." And then there's "I'm Gonna Find Another You," just a really kick ass break up song.
Battle Studies is just weak. Although I like, "Who Says," "Who says I can't get stoned, turn off the lights and the telephone, me in my house alone, who says I can't get stoned?" Beyond that, I don't even think I'm going to be able to finish it. Hopefully his next album he at least tries to kick a little ass, I mean, I don't expect to much, cuz it's John Mayer, but this isn't even rock and roll! It's not even adult contemporary, it's just plodding along. His cover of Crossroads is really restrained and weak.
Two and a half of John Mayer's albums are great, whether you are feeling particularly in love or out of love.
--
Niners just officially made it into the playoffs for the first time in like 8 or 9 years. Nice.
When I was in college, I thought I'd be able to make it as a writer and comedian. I guess in another universe this could have happened. Being at UCSB was amazing in a lot of aspects, but it certainly didn't plug me into the comedy and entertainment world the way it does if you go to NYU or USC. In a way, it turned out for the best because I was able to grow and develop my own sense of humor, in another way it wasn't for the best because while I grew artistically, I have no sense of what I needed to do to be successful at it in any realistic way when I first came to LA.
I sort of just assumed people would see me and immediately realize that I was incredible and give me some money to write for a show or something, really I hadn't thought about it much further than that. Turns out you need contacts, portfolios, headshots and the like to really get anywhere. I wasn't much for doing any of that stuff, I'm still not. I figure one day I'll either have the money to make a movie on my own and on my own terms or it will never happen and that's not such a tragedy. Lots of people want to make movies and never get to do it. I see all of them sitting in coffee shops working on their hopeless screenplays on their MacBook Pros constantly.
If I get this job it is highly possible I'll be traveling around to film festivals to assist Stan as they screen his new film. This would be really fun for me. I'm really interested to see how that part of the process works, the only festivals I've ever gone to are in LA and Santa Barbara. I also haven't been out of the state since 2006, except one trip to Vegas, which doesn't really count. So that would be exciting for me. I'd have to go get myself a passport too, just in case I have to leave the country, ahh feels freeing just to even say it.
--
I did yoga yesterday and I my hips are pretty sore. Even though my hamstrings, hips and shoulders are so tight they prevent me from doing a lot of the moves, I still credit yoga for making some big changes in my life. Being more in touch with and understanding my body has helped immensely with sciatica, for years I couldn't play basketball or tennis because of lower back pain and finally through yoga and stretching I've realized my bodies limits. I also credit it for helping with Crohn's Disease. It has taught me how to breath to relieve tension in my abdomen and this is highly preferential to taking meds. I think the doctor would have had me on medication forever. Leads me to believe I can one day be off 'mood stabilizers' too. I don't know when or if that will ever happen. I know my doctor doesn't want that to happen, but the truth is, the last couple times I've had manic episodes, I had no doctor and no medication to take when I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what to do and was afraid to tell anyone, I know that wouldn't be the case now and I think taking a colonopin every once in a while when I couldn't sleep would be preferable to taking Seroquel all the time.
I am still pretty tired a lot of the time, I think a lot of this has to do with not having much to do, but part of it must also be Seroquel, it just makes me tired. My doctor has suggested I take something else to give me more energy but this scares me. I don't want to take any more meds than are absolutely necessary, as you can probably tell as I am even questioning the one I am taking now. I think taking more would make me even more paranoid and form what I hear taking meds that give you more energy can make you more prone to manic episodes and I'd rather sleep a lot than run into one of those again.
--
I'm listening to Battle Studies by John Mayer, really for the first time. This album has, in my mind, proved so many of his haters right. It's made him harder to defend, eschewing in adult contemporary, slow rhythms, lyrics really sap heavy, as if Ben Folds made an album where every song was "The Luckiest." In any case, I'm going to listen to it, just to see what's up. "All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye" - can relate to that one, but even so, its lyrics are not evocative of anything specific like most songs on his other album and the guitar seems to be simple chords with layered solos on top.
I've always liked John Mayer. A lot of my friends listened to "Room For Squares" in high school. Listening to it still totally takes me back to that time, the end of my junior and then senior year. I was just starting to play guitar and playing anything by John Mayer is a real challenge. Whereas, if you can master bar chords, you've learned everything by Jack Johnson in one day, to play John Mayer, you had to learn how to stretch like five frets and hold the low E with your thumb, not to mention, you had to pick specific strings rather than just strum.
I went to see him a couple times and he was always a really great live show. One of the cooler memories I have is him and another guy soloing one one guitar at the same time. He was great on "Room For Squares" because as a kid in high school, who had friends but was not at all popular and couldn't figure things out with the ladies, he seemed equally lost and pinning, but intent on growing and figuring it out.
His next album "Heavier Things" was alright, but nothing, in my mind in comparison to his first. Then, when I was in Italy, in the Fall of 2006, he came out with "Continuum." I loved this album through and through. I loved that it took songs from his blues album "Try," I loved that it was an anti-war album for generation-y, at a time when we really believed we could wait on the world to change. "Stop This Train" was like a PS to "Room For Squares," he was far away from that place, coming back for one fleeting moment that quickly disappeared, just to "cry as you're driving away in the dark." And then there's "I'm Gonna Find Another You," just a really kick ass break up song.
Battle Studies is just weak. Although I like, "Who Says," "Who says I can't get stoned, turn off the lights and the telephone, me in my house alone, who says I can't get stoned?" Beyond that, I don't even think I'm going to be able to finish it. Hopefully his next album he at least tries to kick a little ass, I mean, I don't expect to much, cuz it's John Mayer, but this isn't even rock and roll! It's not even adult contemporary, it's just plodding along. His cover of Crossroads is really restrained and weak.
Two and a half of John Mayer's albums are great, whether you are feeling particularly in love or out of love.
--
Niners just officially made it into the playoffs for the first time in like 8 or 9 years. Nice.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Relentless
LA is a relentless city. If you slow down it doesn't wait up for you, it just keeps moving forward, people keep moving up the chain, meeting new people, making new friends, life is never static. The traffic is relentless. Even on a Saturday afternoon I find myself in a forty-five minute drive from Silverlake to the Palisades, I don't even want to talk about what it's like at rush hour. The people are relentless, always smiling, always happy to meet you, unless they sense they are above you, in which case they are relentlessly pursuing someone they sense is higher up than they are and can't be bothered with your presence.
There is no security here. Most people that have jobs know that they could end at any moment and be right back at the bottom. Others are worked to the bone so hard they can't justify continuing, though they usually do anyway. Some people are in both of these situations. People are forced to spend night after night in tiny and noisy studio apartments in the barren wasteland known as Hollywood.
And all for what? For that freedom to pursue whatever the hell it is you want to do and in those moments, where you can brush off your job and all the fake smiles and all the Ed Hardy shirts and just live in your passion and feel like no one controls your destiny but you. For me I feel it during an improv show.
--
I was asked for my salary requirements from "Stan and Deliver" on Friday. I am so close to getting this job it is ridiculous. The interview went really well. He knew a bit about improv, his son is on a troupe called "The Improvabilities" in a school in Maine, which is funny because my improv troupe in college was called improvability. We also talked about shows at the theater, like "I Love Movies" with Doug Benson. We really hit it off. I think it's safe to say it was the best interview I've ever been on.
After hearing this I was feeling good and decided to get some drinks with Kristin and Jace at the Red Lion. This is probably my favorite bar in LA. They have great German beers and it's really cozy. We did sing alongs with the piano player. Eventually Stefan and Jordan, then Justin, and another improv buddy, Danny Cohen came and met up with us.
I've been making new pals with people from the UCB community recently and Danny is one of them. He cracks me up when he's on stage and like most improvisors, he's just a really nice, sort of insecure dude.
After that we headed back to Jace and Justin's. It was good hanging with Justin, I haven't seen him much since I was in the hospital. We listened to records and shot the shit back at their place and Gilli and Nick came over. I was dancing around the room drinking water out of a glass with a crazy straw like an idiot because I'd had a few drinks. It felt good to let loose a bit. At the end of the night Jace and I watched Apollo 13 but I fell asleep on the couch in like five minutes.
--
I wrote Chris about Kim expressing my argument in the most logical and coherent way possible, in a last ditch effort to explain why we should work this out now, but it's not going to happen, so I'm going to stop talking about it. It's too bad, the longer it goes, the more the trust is broken for me, but that is just how it will have to be. This will be the last I write about it for a while, I think.
There is no security here. Most people that have jobs know that they could end at any moment and be right back at the bottom. Others are worked to the bone so hard they can't justify continuing, though they usually do anyway. Some people are in both of these situations. People are forced to spend night after night in tiny and noisy studio apartments in the barren wasteland known as Hollywood.
And all for what? For that freedom to pursue whatever the hell it is you want to do and in those moments, where you can brush off your job and all the fake smiles and all the Ed Hardy shirts and just live in your passion and feel like no one controls your destiny but you. For me I feel it during an improv show.
--
I was asked for my salary requirements from "Stan and Deliver" on Friday. I am so close to getting this job it is ridiculous. The interview went really well. He knew a bit about improv, his son is on a troupe called "The Improvabilities" in a school in Maine, which is funny because my improv troupe in college was called improvability. We also talked about shows at the theater, like "I Love Movies" with Doug Benson. We really hit it off. I think it's safe to say it was the best interview I've ever been on.
After hearing this I was feeling good and decided to get some drinks with Kristin and Jace at the Red Lion. This is probably my favorite bar in LA. They have great German beers and it's really cozy. We did sing alongs with the piano player. Eventually Stefan and Jordan, then Justin, and another improv buddy, Danny Cohen came and met up with us.
I've been making new pals with people from the UCB community recently and Danny is one of them. He cracks me up when he's on stage and like most improvisors, he's just a really nice, sort of insecure dude.
After that we headed back to Jace and Justin's. It was good hanging with Justin, I haven't seen him much since I was in the hospital. We listened to records and shot the shit back at their place and Gilli and Nick came over. I was dancing around the room drinking water out of a glass with a crazy straw like an idiot because I'd had a few drinks. It felt good to let loose a bit. At the end of the night Jace and I watched Apollo 13 but I fell asleep on the couch in like five minutes.
--
I wrote Chris about Kim expressing my argument in the most logical and coherent way possible, in a last ditch effort to explain why we should work this out now, but it's not going to happen, so I'm going to stop talking about it. It's too bad, the longer it goes, the more the trust is broken for me, but that is just how it will have to be. This will be the last I write about it for a while, I think.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
The Wind and the Water
It is really windy outside right now, to the point it is shaking the foundations of the house and blowing windows open. I've also been drinking a lot of water, I'm trying to hydrate and see if that will get rid of these symptoms: red face and congestion. I don't really feel sick, maybe it's just some allergies? I'm not really sure.
I had a psychiatry appointment this morning. For whatever reason this morning I was feeling more out of it than normal. Part of it may have to to do with the fact that I went to bed after one last night. I had a a really good improv show last night, one of the most fun I've had in a while. It was with Jace, me, Ryan Rosenberg and Patrick Carlyle. The four of us had never played together as a team before and it was a blast. The first time we played as wave rhythms, where we start off by getting a suggestion and feeling the vibrations and doing scenes based on material we generate from there. Some of the scenes: guys stoked to watch Entourage until Entourage turns really gay, a hip restaurant where people pee and poo on the walls, a group getting ready to go see "Watch the Throne" but their lame friend that just got off from working at a dog grooming place has the tickets and he smells like dog and has dog hair and blood all over him and has an injured dog that he has to take to the concert (this scene had a couple of us laughing hard into the next scene so...), the next scene was about a guy who's mustache made everyone laugh and eventually have strokes, then there was a scene where Batman got shot and a bunch of butlers were squatting in Wayne Manor. It was a killer show. Then we did another show that was a monoscene, one long scene, it was fun but not as good in comparison.
On my way home I saw a ton of helicopters in the air and there was a lot of traffic downtown. When I got home I looked on Twitter and saw that cops were going to break up the OccupyLA encampments. I watched a live stream of someone at the site, kept up on Twitter and had local news on TV. I watched for about an hour but the engagement between the cops and protesters was mostly peaceful and eventually I decided nothing crazy was going to happen and went to bed.
Like I said, this morning I woke up feeling really out of it. I hurried to get some coffee before my psychiatry appointment at 11:30, but when I showed up I still felt totally groggy and glassyeyed. It didn't stop me from having a good conversation with my psychiatrist. We talked more about expressing myself emotionally and I told her I had cried the night I had smoked. She seemed a little bit concerned that I had lapsed in my sobriety and almost started crying herself when I told her that was when I'd been able to freely express my emotions about what was going on.
I told her about a lot of the recent conversations I've been having and she commented that it sounds like I am talking to everyone except the person that I need to talk to. I would have to agree. I'm sure part of the reason she is avoiding it is because she knows how emotional it is going to be. That is one situation in which I know I will cry. Even thinking about seeing her makes me emotional. Thinking about seeing her makes me want to cry. Thinking about our current situation just makes me angry.
After my appointment today I took Dr. Foster's advice and just let loose with it in the car, yelling, cursing, etc. It felt pretty good and I could feel my eyes start to well up, but it stopped right there. I told the doctor that I usually can only freely cry when I am having a manic episode and she told me sometimes people that have had depressive or manic episodes limit their range of emotions because they are afraid that experiencing them would mean they are having an episode. It made sense to me.
Last night, during my improv show I was sobbing as part of a scene and it felt more real than any crying I've done recently, except maybe in the car, but even that was tempered. The doctor also suggested that talking about things and writing about things can sometimes get in the way of actually feeling things, which means maybe writing about this now is in vain, but I feel better to do this than nothing at all.
My goal for the next week is to think positively in the morning and get my day going early. It didn't really work today. After the psychiatrist I went to the pharmacy to have my prescription filled (good), then went on a long walk and ate lunch at Fiesta Feast (good), then came back and started writing and fell asleep for a couple hours (bad).
Once I woke up I came upstairs and tried to read Infinite Jest to no avail. After reading a couple books that were infinitely more readable, it is hard to return to something so dense. I'm going to try to knock it out, but I'm only a third of the way done and it feels like I'll never finish it. Plus, the plot doesn't seem to be progressing, it is still mostly all character backstory.
So tomorrow I am going to finally have my interview. I feel relaxed and prepared for it. I also heard back about an internship at a comedy production company that I will probably take if I don't get the job, but I'm going to get it. I have to. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I don't look drugged out when I get in there. Wake up, have breakfast, have coffee, groom it up, print out a resume and cover letter. Boom. That's what I have to do, I'm so ready to throw it down.
Alright, that's it.
I had a psychiatry appointment this morning. For whatever reason this morning I was feeling more out of it than normal. Part of it may have to to do with the fact that I went to bed after one last night. I had a a really good improv show last night, one of the most fun I've had in a while. It was with Jace, me, Ryan Rosenberg and Patrick Carlyle. The four of us had never played together as a team before and it was a blast. The first time we played as wave rhythms, where we start off by getting a suggestion and feeling the vibrations and doing scenes based on material we generate from there. Some of the scenes: guys stoked to watch Entourage until Entourage turns really gay, a hip restaurant where people pee and poo on the walls, a group getting ready to go see "Watch the Throne" but their lame friend that just got off from working at a dog grooming place has the tickets and he smells like dog and has dog hair and blood all over him and has an injured dog that he has to take to the concert (this scene had a couple of us laughing hard into the next scene so...), the next scene was about a guy who's mustache made everyone laugh and eventually have strokes, then there was a scene where Batman got shot and a bunch of butlers were squatting in Wayne Manor. It was a killer show. Then we did another show that was a monoscene, one long scene, it was fun but not as good in comparison.
On my way home I saw a ton of helicopters in the air and there was a lot of traffic downtown. When I got home I looked on Twitter and saw that cops were going to break up the OccupyLA encampments. I watched a live stream of someone at the site, kept up on Twitter and had local news on TV. I watched for about an hour but the engagement between the cops and protesters was mostly peaceful and eventually I decided nothing crazy was going to happen and went to bed.
Like I said, this morning I woke up feeling really out of it. I hurried to get some coffee before my psychiatry appointment at 11:30, but when I showed up I still felt totally groggy and glassyeyed. It didn't stop me from having a good conversation with my psychiatrist. We talked more about expressing myself emotionally and I told her I had cried the night I had smoked. She seemed a little bit concerned that I had lapsed in my sobriety and almost started crying herself when I told her that was when I'd been able to freely express my emotions about what was going on.
I told her about a lot of the recent conversations I've been having and she commented that it sounds like I am talking to everyone except the person that I need to talk to. I would have to agree. I'm sure part of the reason she is avoiding it is because she knows how emotional it is going to be. That is one situation in which I know I will cry. Even thinking about seeing her makes me emotional. Thinking about seeing her makes me want to cry. Thinking about our current situation just makes me angry.
After my appointment today I took Dr. Foster's advice and just let loose with it in the car, yelling, cursing, etc. It felt pretty good and I could feel my eyes start to well up, but it stopped right there. I told the doctor that I usually can only freely cry when I am having a manic episode and she told me sometimes people that have had depressive or manic episodes limit their range of emotions because they are afraid that experiencing them would mean they are having an episode. It made sense to me.
Last night, during my improv show I was sobbing as part of a scene and it felt more real than any crying I've done recently, except maybe in the car, but even that was tempered. The doctor also suggested that talking about things and writing about things can sometimes get in the way of actually feeling things, which means maybe writing about this now is in vain, but I feel better to do this than nothing at all.
My goal for the next week is to think positively in the morning and get my day going early. It didn't really work today. After the psychiatrist I went to the pharmacy to have my prescription filled (good), then went on a long walk and ate lunch at Fiesta Feast (good), then came back and started writing and fell asleep for a couple hours (bad).
Once I woke up I came upstairs and tried to read Infinite Jest to no avail. After reading a couple books that were infinitely more readable, it is hard to return to something so dense. I'm going to try to knock it out, but I'm only a third of the way done and it feels like I'll never finish it. Plus, the plot doesn't seem to be progressing, it is still mostly all character backstory.
So tomorrow I am going to finally have my interview. I feel relaxed and prepared for it. I also heard back about an internship at a comedy production company that I will probably take if I don't get the job, but I'm going to get it. I have to. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I don't look drugged out when I get in there. Wake up, have breakfast, have coffee, groom it up, print out a resume and cover letter. Boom. That's what I have to do, I'm so ready to throw it down.
Alright, that's it.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Reading Like A Motha Fucka
My interview got rescheduled for Thursday.
Finished another book yesterday, it was the second book Chris sent me called, The Average American Male. It was quite a juxtaposition to the first book. This one was about a dude that is a complete perv walking around Los Angeles and imagining having sex with just about anyone, as he claims, he would have sex with 98% of women if they would just vanish afterward and no one would know about it. It was pretty funny and I saw more truth in it than I'd like to admit. There was some stuff I really enjoyed about going to the mall at Century City and going to an improv student party, a lot of truth in the way people talked about moving up at the theater, though it was Groundlings. I also agreed largely on his take with relationships and how they slowly devolve, starting with extreme passion ending with extreme ambivalence. That being said, this guy is a complete asshole and no one should ever aspire to be like him, in fact you should aspire to be just the opposite and probably fall somewhere in between.
After reading these books, I felt it was a good opportunity to open up to Chris about what's been going on with me on the relationship end of things, with Kate and what happened with Kim, etc. I was happy to provide him with lots of detail that I've never felt quite like divulging here. It is just what I needed and hopefully it will make for some good conversation when I see him over Christmas. Now that I have fully gotten everything off my chest to someone and I actually have someone to confide in, I feel like I am more able to start moving away from it. Chris told me that Jen probably did not want to talk about it with me because she knew that in order for Kim and I to have a relationship again, I am going to have to get over things, in a certain sense. I agree with her, but the only way for me to do that is to express the things I need to express and I really need an open and receptive ear to do this. I can already feel myself moving into a new level of comfort with where I am at.
I also finished Mental Health Through Will-Training, which I had been reading for the last month or two. In general, I don't feel that Will-Training alone is enough to combat my condition and the book doesn't say that it should be. It claims that you should listen to your doctor first but also try to employ the strategies from the book into your everyday life. The book is aimed toward "nervous patients" and claims that nervous fatigue and other ailments, like headaches, anger issues, abdomen and chest pain, etc. can be healed through will power. I agree with this to some extent. These passages really resonated with me today:
"The dismal dreariness of your existence stares at you. Again, one of those empty days with no plans, no decisions, no accomplishments. You become discouraged, disgusted with the dead monotony that is in store for you, and it is the self-disgust that robs your tissues of their vitality. There is no vigor, zest or incentive with which to start out on the daily routine. Your body is devoid of stimulation; it feels uninspired, flabby, limp. This feeling of limpness you call 'fatigue.'
"You will now understand why, towards the evening, your vitality returns and why, after supper, you 'feel almost well.' There is nothing left for planning after supper, no drabness to be anticipated, no drudgery to be performed in self-disgust. The dreadful day is gone or is going. Nothing is expected of you anymore. You breathe freely now, and your vitality returns."
Here is another passage that agreed with me. This one is geared toward people that tend to be perfectionists. While I am not a perfectionist in every regard, not so much when it comes to cleaning, very true when it comes to executing my life goals, plans, etc.
"Trivial errors, trifling mistakes and insignificant failures caused her to sweat and fret, to wear herself out with vexation and self-reproach. She worried, felt provoked at her fancied inefficiency, was perpetually flustered and confused. The confusion multiplied her record of bungled trivialities and botched irrelevancies. A vicious cycle developed: The more she was confused, the more she bungled; the more persistently she bungled, the more disturbing became her confusion. In the end, she lost confidence in her ability to do things 'correctly,' developed an exaggerated self-consciousness and lost her spontaneity."
The author goes on to explain how through "Recovery" she allowed herself to be average. I could definitely take a lesson in learning to be okay with being average. It is so ingrained in me that I am not average and that I should not accept being average, that that worry probably causes me to be more average than I would otherwise be.
I am about to go to an improv show I am performing at in North Hollywood. The group is called "Wave Rhythms". It's a fun loose group, we do an opening where we "feel the vibrations" and generate ideas for our set in this kind of goofy and might I say chill atmosphere. Since it is just three of us (three cant make it) we are asking another improvisor to join us. His name is Matt Reid and he is funny as fuck. I don't think I've ever enjoyed watching someone do improv more than him.
Well, even though I've been sleeping a lot still, I feel like I've been accomplishing things through reading and writing. I feel like I am starting to make progress with not only with returning to feeling like myself, but growing and becoming better person. I'm sure sometimes I will feel like the average American male, but I would like to spend more time transcending that and becoming a superior man.
I have been able to stop feeling the guilt and blame I had been putting on myself for where I am at. I don't know what has changed, maybe it is time, maybe it is seeing that I have some good things ahead if I can seize them, maybe I am just feeling that way in the present moment. I'm not sure.
My goal: To not go back to sleep after I wake up. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, so that will be easy. After tomorrow...well I will have an interview Thursday and hopefully have a job after, but after that I will go for a walk in the morning when I am feeling tired.
Will write again after I see where I'm at tomorrow; I have my psychiatry appointment. Oh, I need to refill my medication tomorrow too, always helps to spell it out.
Finished another book yesterday, it was the second book Chris sent me called, The Average American Male. It was quite a juxtaposition to the first book. This one was about a dude that is a complete perv walking around Los Angeles and imagining having sex with just about anyone, as he claims, he would have sex with 98% of women if they would just vanish afterward and no one would know about it. It was pretty funny and I saw more truth in it than I'd like to admit. There was some stuff I really enjoyed about going to the mall at Century City and going to an improv student party, a lot of truth in the way people talked about moving up at the theater, though it was Groundlings. I also agreed largely on his take with relationships and how they slowly devolve, starting with extreme passion ending with extreme ambivalence. That being said, this guy is a complete asshole and no one should ever aspire to be like him, in fact you should aspire to be just the opposite and probably fall somewhere in between.
After reading these books, I felt it was a good opportunity to open up to Chris about what's been going on with me on the relationship end of things, with Kate and what happened with Kim, etc. I was happy to provide him with lots of detail that I've never felt quite like divulging here. It is just what I needed and hopefully it will make for some good conversation when I see him over Christmas. Now that I have fully gotten everything off my chest to someone and I actually have someone to confide in, I feel like I am more able to start moving away from it. Chris told me that Jen probably did not want to talk about it with me because she knew that in order for Kim and I to have a relationship again, I am going to have to get over things, in a certain sense. I agree with her, but the only way for me to do that is to express the things I need to express and I really need an open and receptive ear to do this. I can already feel myself moving into a new level of comfort with where I am at.
I also finished Mental Health Through Will-Training, which I had been reading for the last month or two. In general, I don't feel that Will-Training alone is enough to combat my condition and the book doesn't say that it should be. It claims that you should listen to your doctor first but also try to employ the strategies from the book into your everyday life. The book is aimed toward "nervous patients" and claims that nervous fatigue and other ailments, like headaches, anger issues, abdomen and chest pain, etc. can be healed through will power. I agree with this to some extent. These passages really resonated with me today:
"The dismal dreariness of your existence stares at you. Again, one of those empty days with no plans, no decisions, no accomplishments. You become discouraged, disgusted with the dead monotony that is in store for you, and it is the self-disgust that robs your tissues of their vitality. There is no vigor, zest or incentive with which to start out on the daily routine. Your body is devoid of stimulation; it feels uninspired, flabby, limp. This feeling of limpness you call 'fatigue.'
"You will now understand why, towards the evening, your vitality returns and why, after supper, you 'feel almost well.' There is nothing left for planning after supper, no drabness to be anticipated, no drudgery to be performed in self-disgust. The dreadful day is gone or is going. Nothing is expected of you anymore. You breathe freely now, and your vitality returns."
Here is another passage that agreed with me. This one is geared toward people that tend to be perfectionists. While I am not a perfectionist in every regard, not so much when it comes to cleaning, very true when it comes to executing my life goals, plans, etc.
"Trivial errors, trifling mistakes and insignificant failures caused her to sweat and fret, to wear herself out with vexation and self-reproach. She worried, felt provoked at her fancied inefficiency, was perpetually flustered and confused. The confusion multiplied her record of bungled trivialities and botched irrelevancies. A vicious cycle developed: The more she was confused, the more she bungled; the more persistently she bungled, the more disturbing became her confusion. In the end, she lost confidence in her ability to do things 'correctly,' developed an exaggerated self-consciousness and lost her spontaneity."
The author goes on to explain how through "Recovery" she allowed herself to be average. I could definitely take a lesson in learning to be okay with being average. It is so ingrained in me that I am not average and that I should not accept being average, that that worry probably causes me to be more average than I would otherwise be.
I am about to go to an improv show I am performing at in North Hollywood. The group is called "Wave Rhythms". It's a fun loose group, we do an opening where we "feel the vibrations" and generate ideas for our set in this kind of goofy and might I say chill atmosphere. Since it is just three of us (three cant make it) we are asking another improvisor to join us. His name is Matt Reid and he is funny as fuck. I don't think I've ever enjoyed watching someone do improv more than him.
Well, even though I've been sleeping a lot still, I feel like I've been accomplishing things through reading and writing. I feel like I am starting to make progress with not only with returning to feeling like myself, but growing and becoming better person. I'm sure sometimes I will feel like the average American male, but I would like to spend more time transcending that and becoming a superior man.
I have been able to stop feeling the guilt and blame I had been putting on myself for where I am at. I don't know what has changed, maybe it is time, maybe it is seeing that I have some good things ahead if I can seize them, maybe I am just feeling that way in the present moment. I'm not sure.
My goal: To not go back to sleep after I wake up. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, so that will be easy. After tomorrow...well I will have an interview Thursday and hopefully have a job after, but after that I will go for a walk in the morning when I am feeling tired.
Will write again after I see where I'm at tomorrow; I have my psychiatry appointment. Oh, I need to refill my medication tomorrow too, always helps to spell it out.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Preparing for the big interview
Tomorrow I have my second interview at Stan and Deliver Productions. This was the perfect position I've been talking about for the last week or two. I have to get it. I took it easy today in preparation, got a good sleep and hung out at the coffee shop catching up on my unemployment paperwork. I finally figured things out with my mail. Looks like I'm going to be getting ten weeks of benefits at the same time. Procrastination sometimes works in your favor. While I was filling out the papers, I sneezed and this old man next to me said, "Looks like you're allergic to work," I assume because it looked like I was working hard. Little did he know I was filling out late unemployment paperwork.
Saturday night I slept over at Josh's so we could leave early the next morning. His friend Colin came over and we hung out and drank some wine, went in the spa, played a domino game. It was fun. We all told stories about people we know and talked about high school. I wonder sometimes if I am a story like that, like how many people in my peer group know what is going on with me and my manic episodes. I will never really know, it doesn't really bother me if they do. Maybe someday I will be able to write something that really does them justice so everyone can understand or at least empathize.
It felt good to get back to LA. It was a really clear beautiful day and the city looked prettier than normal. If you're on the 10 west and look toward the Hollywood Hills, the city can actually be quite majestic, just don't look to the right. I felt relieved to be far far away from Alamo and Danville and anywhere I could have run into her. I didn't feel sad at all to leave, it felt like it was time. My aunt and uncle were gone, so it was me and my two cousins, Chad and James at the house. We watched some football and South Park.
I spent most of the day reading a book Chris has left with my brother in Danville. It was called The Way of The Superior Man. It was a quick read that was essentially about being a full and complete man and how to bring that into your romantic relationships. It definitely made me think critically about how I should respond to my situation with Kim. One piece of advice in the book is to talk frankly with your male friends at least once a week and get their opinions, so I wrote him this morning and did just that. Her birthday is coming up and I am weighing whether or not to write her.
I should definitely talk to my male friends more than I do. I really appreciate the emotional support that women tend to give, but I think sometimes you need the straightforward truth of a male. I am certainly a straightforward person when giving advice and maybe I am avoiding this because I don't want to hear the Wayne Campbell (from "Wayne's World") advice, "Get over her, go out with somebody else." Of course, that is what I would tell anybody in my situation and I should.
I was a bit disappointed I never really got to have a heart to heart about what was going on while I was in Danville. Jen wasn't in the mood to talk about it and Josh was with Bridget the whole time, so it sort of got brushed under the rug. Jen and Kim are moving in together in the next week or so and this makes me really anxious, hell, just driving into Alamo Square so my dad could go to a store there made me really tense just because she lives in the vicinity.
So how is this whole thing going to play out? Now Jen and Chris and Kim all live in San Francisco and I won't be able to go over and hang out at my best friend's house when I am home in a month. It is a shitty situation. I don't understand why she can't be more rational about this, but then again, I can understand, because she is not a rational person. She follows her feelings and as I was reminded by the book I read yesterday, that is why men love women and what is annyoing about them.
I miss the simpler days when we could just both have unannounced feelings for each other that were apparent to nobody but the two of us. Is she worried she would feel that way again if she saw me? What is she waiting for? These questions continue to plague me. As much as I want to get over it, if she is living with Jen, we are going to have to deal with each other eventually. I can't just walk away and never talk to her or see her again. That seems like an easy way out at this point.
Things to do tonight to prepare for my interview:
- Cut my nails.
- Wash my hair.
- Shave.
- Read about his upcoming movie.
- Print out a resume and letter of recommendation.
- Get to bed early.
I am going to nail this interview tomorrow. I have to.
Also, I am going to eat and only have one cup of coffee tomorrow morning so I'm not jittery like I am now. Guess I should go eat soon!
Saturday night I slept over at Josh's so we could leave early the next morning. His friend Colin came over and we hung out and drank some wine, went in the spa, played a domino game. It was fun. We all told stories about people we know and talked about high school. I wonder sometimes if I am a story like that, like how many people in my peer group know what is going on with me and my manic episodes. I will never really know, it doesn't really bother me if they do. Maybe someday I will be able to write something that really does them justice so everyone can understand or at least empathize.
It felt good to get back to LA. It was a really clear beautiful day and the city looked prettier than normal. If you're on the 10 west and look toward the Hollywood Hills, the city can actually be quite majestic, just don't look to the right. I felt relieved to be far far away from Alamo and Danville and anywhere I could have run into her. I didn't feel sad at all to leave, it felt like it was time. My aunt and uncle were gone, so it was me and my two cousins, Chad and James at the house. We watched some football and South Park.
I spent most of the day reading a book Chris has left with my brother in Danville. It was called The Way of The Superior Man. It was a quick read that was essentially about being a full and complete man and how to bring that into your romantic relationships. It definitely made me think critically about how I should respond to my situation with Kim. One piece of advice in the book is to talk frankly with your male friends at least once a week and get their opinions, so I wrote him this morning and did just that. Her birthday is coming up and I am weighing whether or not to write her.
I should definitely talk to my male friends more than I do. I really appreciate the emotional support that women tend to give, but I think sometimes you need the straightforward truth of a male. I am certainly a straightforward person when giving advice and maybe I am avoiding this because I don't want to hear the Wayne Campbell (from "Wayne's World") advice, "Get over her, go out with somebody else." Of course, that is what I would tell anybody in my situation and I should.
I was a bit disappointed I never really got to have a heart to heart about what was going on while I was in Danville. Jen wasn't in the mood to talk about it and Josh was with Bridget the whole time, so it sort of got brushed under the rug. Jen and Kim are moving in together in the next week or so and this makes me really anxious, hell, just driving into Alamo Square so my dad could go to a store there made me really tense just because she lives in the vicinity.
So how is this whole thing going to play out? Now Jen and Chris and Kim all live in San Francisco and I won't be able to go over and hang out at my best friend's house when I am home in a month. It is a shitty situation. I don't understand why she can't be more rational about this, but then again, I can understand, because she is not a rational person. She follows her feelings and as I was reminded by the book I read yesterday, that is why men love women and what is annyoing about them.
I miss the simpler days when we could just both have unannounced feelings for each other that were apparent to nobody but the two of us. Is she worried she would feel that way again if she saw me? What is she waiting for? These questions continue to plague me. As much as I want to get over it, if she is living with Jen, we are going to have to deal with each other eventually. I can't just walk away and never talk to her or see her again. That seems like an easy way out at this point.
Things to do tonight to prepare for my interview:
- Cut my nails.
- Wash my hair.
- Shave.
- Read about his upcoming movie.
- Print out a resume and letter of recommendation.
- Get to bed early.
I am going to nail this interview tomorrow. I have to.
Also, I am going to eat and only have one cup of coffee tomorrow morning so I'm not jittery like I am now. Guess I should go eat soon!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
It's Been A While
I am finally getting around to writing after a few days of being MIA. Well, I haven't been MIA in real life, I've actually been around in real life, I've been MIA on the internet world.
I drove up to Danville on Wednesday morning with Josh, his girlfriend Bridget and his brother Drew. It was cramped in the backseat and the drive took about eight hours, that is a really long time to get from LA to the Bay.
When I got in my dad and I went to my favorite place, the Philly Cheesesteak Shop and ate. It took forever, but it was still good. That night I went out to "That Bar" downtown, where they had dueling pianos and drove Josh and Bridget. There were a ton of people from my high school there and just like in high school, I didn't really talk to any of them. I just stayed with Josh and later my friends Mike, Jon, Neva and Andrea came. It was great catching up with them, not even really catching up, but just shooting the shit and joking around like we used to. We almost went to a bar called Meenar's until they had a cover, so we switched it up to Elliot's a bar that's been there for over a hundred years. Mike and his girlfriend ordered "Hot Toddys", which to the bartender meant whiskey and hot water. So nasty.
The next day our family got together and headed over to Burlingame. It was nice this year, I've already caught up with all my relatives recently, so I didn't get grilled at all, just enjoyed myself with my cousins. On the ride over my dad finally asked me about Kim, wondering if I had worked things out with her, I told him, "No" was the short answer to that question.
At Thanksgiving we spent most of the time playing card games, watching football and eating. It was pretty perfect. We headed back around eight and I spent the rest of the night dozing at my dad's and watching an Arrested Development marathon.
Yesterday, I hung out with my dad during the day. We went to see "J. Edgar", which turned out to be a decent flick. I wasn't super excited about seeing it, but it was good to spend time with my dad, took him back since he was alive for a lot of the events that happened in the movie.
Afterward, I went and picked up Jen and we went down to the tree lighting. Danville has a tree that is the symbol of the town and every Friday after Thanksgiving they have a big celebration with choirs and cider to light it up, then they close off the road downtown so people can hang out and shop. We ran into a bunch of friends that I wanted to see this time and it was a blast.
Last year, I was at the tree lighting with Kate and it was incredibly cold. This year it wasn't nearly as bad.
Jen was ready to go home around nine, so I brought her back and went over to my brother's to grab some books that Chris Paizis sent to me and hang out with him for a bit. We ended up going to Jack's, where he worked and had some beers, which was a deal.
At the end of the night, in the back of the parking lot at Jack's, he went out to smoke with his friends. I took one puff, which was the first time I had smoked pot since I was in the hospital three months ago. I was glad I did, but I don't plan on doing it again any time soon. I realized that when I smoked, I became a lot more talkative, I had a great political conversation with my brother's conservative friend, Rob. Then when I left, I drove home by myself and I started to cry. All the emotions I have been feeling about Kim and coming home finally came out.
It scared me that I haven't been able to cry in months and started tearing up after smoking, but it was interesting to me that it made me emotional like that, I was really not expecting that and it felt good to finally let lose with the tears. I was happy that it was all around a good experience for me and I'd like to keep it that way and quit while I'm ahead.
Today, a friend of mine was having a service for his mom that passed away. I wrote him a note, sympathizing with his experience. I was really happy I was able to go pay my respects. I picked Jen up and she just signed the lease to an apartment with Kim. I reminded her, at the current moment, I won't be able to go over there. She didn't want to talk about her anytime I tried to bring it up. It was really disappointing, since it was obviously on the top of my mind. I am really anxious about them moving in together.
I am going to call Chris when he gets back and talk to him about it, since Jen seems to be putting up a wall there, I don't know why it is.
I drove up to Danville on Wednesday morning with Josh, his girlfriend Bridget and his brother Drew. It was cramped in the backseat and the drive took about eight hours, that is a really long time to get from LA to the Bay.
When I got in my dad and I went to my favorite place, the Philly Cheesesteak Shop and ate. It took forever, but it was still good. That night I went out to "That Bar" downtown, where they had dueling pianos and drove Josh and Bridget. There were a ton of people from my high school there and just like in high school, I didn't really talk to any of them. I just stayed with Josh and later my friends Mike, Jon, Neva and Andrea came. It was great catching up with them, not even really catching up, but just shooting the shit and joking around like we used to. We almost went to a bar called Meenar's until they had a cover, so we switched it up to Elliot's a bar that's been there for over a hundred years. Mike and his girlfriend ordered "Hot Toddys", which to the bartender meant whiskey and hot water. So nasty.
The next day our family got together and headed over to Burlingame. It was nice this year, I've already caught up with all my relatives recently, so I didn't get grilled at all, just enjoyed myself with my cousins. On the ride over my dad finally asked me about Kim, wondering if I had worked things out with her, I told him, "No" was the short answer to that question.
At Thanksgiving we spent most of the time playing card games, watching football and eating. It was pretty perfect. We headed back around eight and I spent the rest of the night dozing at my dad's and watching an Arrested Development marathon.
Yesterday, I hung out with my dad during the day. We went to see "J. Edgar", which turned out to be a decent flick. I wasn't super excited about seeing it, but it was good to spend time with my dad, took him back since he was alive for a lot of the events that happened in the movie.
Afterward, I went and picked up Jen and we went down to the tree lighting. Danville has a tree that is the symbol of the town and every Friday after Thanksgiving they have a big celebration with choirs and cider to light it up, then they close off the road downtown so people can hang out and shop. We ran into a bunch of friends that I wanted to see this time and it was a blast.
Last year, I was at the tree lighting with Kate and it was incredibly cold. This year it wasn't nearly as bad.
Jen was ready to go home around nine, so I brought her back and went over to my brother's to grab some books that Chris Paizis sent to me and hang out with him for a bit. We ended up going to Jack's, where he worked and had some beers, which was a deal.
At the end of the night, in the back of the parking lot at Jack's, he went out to smoke with his friends. I took one puff, which was the first time I had smoked pot since I was in the hospital three months ago. I was glad I did, but I don't plan on doing it again any time soon. I realized that when I smoked, I became a lot more talkative, I had a great political conversation with my brother's conservative friend, Rob. Then when I left, I drove home by myself and I started to cry. All the emotions I have been feeling about Kim and coming home finally came out.
It scared me that I haven't been able to cry in months and started tearing up after smoking, but it was interesting to me that it made me emotional like that, I was really not expecting that and it felt good to finally let lose with the tears. I was happy that it was all around a good experience for me and I'd like to keep it that way and quit while I'm ahead.
Today, a friend of mine was having a service for his mom that passed away. I wrote him a note, sympathizing with his experience. I was really happy I was able to go pay my respects. I picked Jen up and she just signed the lease to an apartment with Kim. I reminded her, at the current moment, I won't be able to go over there. She didn't want to talk about her anytime I tried to bring it up. It was really disappointing, since it was obviously on the top of my mind. I am really anxious about them moving in together.
I am going to call Chris when he gets back and talk to him about it, since Jen seems to be putting up a wall there, I don't know why it is.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Ready to Go
Did my laundry today, about to pack for the trip back to Danville. I'll be leaving at 10am tomorrow morning according to Keeler. I had a dream about heading home last night. In it I met a bunch of friends and I was in a house that wasn't mine, but where I was staying. Kim was there and coyly waved at me and I said hi and then she disappeared. Then I was in the car with Chris Paizis talking about how confused and consumed I was by the fact that she wasn't talking to me.
None of this is likely to happen. Chris is going to be out of town and I doubt Kim will be coming out on Wednesday or college night, if not just to avoid me. Left me feeling strange once again this morning. I took my book and went to mail some things and read. I went to get some lunch at Fiesta Feast, a Mexican and Greek food place in the Palisades and I got a phone call from Meredith from Stan and Deliver, I have a second interview with Stan at 11:30am next Tuesday. I can't wait. I feel like this is the one.
After that I went to Pete's and read for a bit. I intentionally didn't bring my computer so I could focus on reading. They had some visit from their corporate management, they of course were dressed casually and couldn't really be distinguished from customers. They helped the baristas set up displays for the holidays, focusing most of their attention on one particularly attractive female barista that seemed eager to please.
I'm 300 pages in to Infinite Jest and feel like it is just starting to take off plot wise, for what plot there is, which is not much. I am enjoying how it is just sort of meandering around filling out information about the Incandenza family.
Well, it's about time to pack up and get a hold of Josh, so I know if I can park in his spot while we are gone, if not, I'll need to park in a neighborhood that doesn't have restrictive parking near his place. His brother is riding up with us as well. I also need to call my dad and remind him that I'll be home tomorrow, not sure if he remembers!
That's about it. No Sean coming home with me, he's staying in LA. Would have been fun to have him come with me. Last year Kate came to Thanksgiving with me, I felt proud to finally be bringing a lady with me to a family gathering and she got along great with everyone. I'm sure it was nothing for her, in comparison to her bat shit crazy family. Oh, how much can change in a year.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Running Around
Damn, been so busy today I almost forgot to blog. It feels good to be busy, less to sit around and worry about, more to accomplish. I woke up at 9:30am today. That felt good too, haven't even been tempted to take nap. I guess I really shouldn't be tempted, really the only temptation is to pass a boring day faster. On days like today, the day is over before I ever even realized it was here.
I started the day as usual. The phone upstairs was ringing off the hook, two rings and then nothing, two rings than nothing, literally like a few times a minute. It was really obnoxious. Come to find out, my aunt and uncle had been called the night before by, who they thought were the police calling from LA Country Jail about someone who was in ICU and had given them their number. Because their number was blocked, these people said, they needed their credit card information and charge a couple dollars through Global Communications in order to connect them. Keep in mind, they kept this act going for over an hour before ever asking for any credit card info, so they were completely hooked in. Not until they asked for the billing address did my uncle catch on that it was a scam. He called LA County Jail to find out no one by the names of the people he was talking to worked at there, there was no ICU, etc. So, I guess they kept calling back all morning long.
So after listening to the phone ring all morning, I went to my job interview. It went exceeding well. It was for a really small production company (two people right now) and the position would be assistant work and a little bit of stuff on the creative side. I really hope I get it, working in a small office, mostly by myself, and getting to read and work on scripts a lot is right up my alley.
Next, I had to go to UCLA. I needed to get an itemized record of everything I was charged for during my stay. Turns out getting this was exceedingly difficult. First, I called billing, seemed simple enough. He told me he didn't have record of anything that had already been paid. This seemed strange, but I figured I'd just drive there and figure it out. I went to Ronald Reagan Medical Center, where I stayed and they sent me to another building, where I looked around, was finally told to go through an "Authorized Personnel Only" door, to where the medical records department was. They were out to lunch, of course, so I walked over to In 'n Out, ate and went back, 1:15pm. They still weren't back. I played some Angry Birds on my phone. Finally I got to speak with them and it turns out, they could only give me records of my stay, nothing that had anything to do with cost for services or treatment. They sent me to the 17th floor on a building on Wilshire. I moved my car because it was in two hour parking and it had been almost two hours, then walked over to Wilshire. I went to the 17th floor only to be told billing was on the 16th floor. I finally found it on the 16th floor. They seemed anxious that I hadn't made an appointment. Then, I finally got someone who could help me and they gave me exactly what I was looking for in less than ten minutes.
I came back to the Palisades and checked my mail, just a couple things, one was a bill from the city charging me taxes for last year, who knew you had to pay city taxes? and a car bill. I spent the rest of the afternoon ironing out my mailing address, which the post office says I attempted to change 14 times. No, I changed it three times, big deal. Then I tried to get a new health insurance card, which they told me they haven't sent to me because everyone is getting a new one next month. Then I tried to figure out why I haven't been receiving unemployment benefits and I finally got through to an agent after trying to three separate times and she is sending all the paperwork, which should be for like 800 bucks.
I played guitar for a little bit, got a couple songs down pat and am starting to expand my repertoire, learned "I'm Gonna Find Another You" by John Mayer today. Okay okay. I won't go into writing a bunch of lyrics for you today, if you see the title, you get it.
Then, I offered to give my cousin a ride somewhere, turns out it was to yoga, so I went with him. Jesus. I haven't done yoga in almost a year. I sweat my fucking balls off. Sweat was dripping onto my mat. My feet and hands got so sweaty I had to flip my mat over. There were a lot of really hot yoga girls. One right next to me was in some deep stretch and the yoga instructor came over and basically gave her a back rub. That is the privilege of being a yoga instructor, I didn't see him help out any dudes or actually anyone else like that, whispering, "Yeah, that's it, deeeeeeeper." I almost touched my toes, but not quite.
So yeah, that was my day, not spent inside my head at all. Though I thought about checking myself back into Neuorpsychiatric at Ronald Reagan when I was trying to get that billing mess figured out! Yeesh. Talk about bureaucrats.
Ready to watch some Daily Show and go to bed. Tomorrow I have nothing going on, but it's cool, Wednesday I'm headed home and I can spend my day getting ready and being excited about that. Have to write a follow up email to Meredith from the production company. That's something.
Yeah that's it. Peace.
I started the day as usual. The phone upstairs was ringing off the hook, two rings and then nothing, two rings than nothing, literally like a few times a minute. It was really obnoxious. Come to find out, my aunt and uncle had been called the night before by, who they thought were the police calling from LA Country Jail about someone who was in ICU and had given them their number. Because their number was blocked, these people said, they needed their credit card information and charge a couple dollars through Global Communications in order to connect them. Keep in mind, they kept this act going for over an hour before ever asking for any credit card info, so they were completely hooked in. Not until they asked for the billing address did my uncle catch on that it was a scam. He called LA County Jail to find out no one by the names of the people he was talking to worked at there, there was no ICU, etc. So, I guess they kept calling back all morning long.
So after listening to the phone ring all morning, I went to my job interview. It went exceeding well. It was for a really small production company (two people right now) and the position would be assistant work and a little bit of stuff on the creative side. I really hope I get it, working in a small office, mostly by myself, and getting to read and work on scripts a lot is right up my alley.
Next, I had to go to UCLA. I needed to get an itemized record of everything I was charged for during my stay. Turns out getting this was exceedingly difficult. First, I called billing, seemed simple enough. He told me he didn't have record of anything that had already been paid. This seemed strange, but I figured I'd just drive there and figure it out. I went to Ronald Reagan Medical Center, where I stayed and they sent me to another building, where I looked around, was finally told to go through an "Authorized Personnel Only" door, to where the medical records department was. They were out to lunch, of course, so I walked over to In 'n Out, ate and went back, 1:15pm. They still weren't back. I played some Angry Birds on my phone. Finally I got to speak with them and it turns out, they could only give me records of my stay, nothing that had anything to do with cost for services or treatment. They sent me to the 17th floor on a building on Wilshire. I moved my car because it was in two hour parking and it had been almost two hours, then walked over to Wilshire. I went to the 17th floor only to be told billing was on the 16th floor. I finally found it on the 16th floor. They seemed anxious that I hadn't made an appointment. Then, I finally got someone who could help me and they gave me exactly what I was looking for in less than ten minutes.
I came back to the Palisades and checked my mail, just a couple things, one was a bill from the city charging me taxes for last year, who knew you had to pay city taxes? and a car bill. I spent the rest of the afternoon ironing out my mailing address, which the post office says I attempted to change 14 times. No, I changed it three times, big deal. Then I tried to get a new health insurance card, which they told me they haven't sent to me because everyone is getting a new one next month. Then I tried to figure out why I haven't been receiving unemployment benefits and I finally got through to an agent after trying to three separate times and she is sending all the paperwork, which should be for like 800 bucks.
I played guitar for a little bit, got a couple songs down pat and am starting to expand my repertoire, learned "I'm Gonna Find Another You" by John Mayer today. Okay okay. I won't go into writing a bunch of lyrics for you today, if you see the title, you get it.
Then, I offered to give my cousin a ride somewhere, turns out it was to yoga, so I went with him. Jesus. I haven't done yoga in almost a year. I sweat my fucking balls off. Sweat was dripping onto my mat. My feet and hands got so sweaty I had to flip my mat over. There were a lot of really hot yoga girls. One right next to me was in some deep stretch and the yoga instructor came over and basically gave her a back rub. That is the privilege of being a yoga instructor, I didn't see him help out any dudes or actually anyone else like that, whispering, "Yeah, that's it, deeeeeeeper." I almost touched my toes, but not quite.
So yeah, that was my day, not spent inside my head at all. Though I thought about checking myself back into Neuorpsychiatric at Ronald Reagan when I was trying to get that billing mess figured out! Yeesh. Talk about bureaucrats.
Ready to watch some Daily Show and go to bed. Tomorrow I have nothing going on, but it's cool, Wednesday I'm headed home and I can spend my day getting ready and being excited about that. Have to write a follow up email to Meredith from the production company. That's something.
Yeah that's it. Peace.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Go Niners!
The Forty Niners are winning again. This game has kept me company through the afternoon. It was actually pretty close through the first half, but then they pulled away. It's about time that they're good again and just in time with basketball not being around this year.
It felt good getting back here last night and hanging out with my family. My cousin just got back from college for the Thanksgiving break. I just missed a phone call from Stefan and a text from Jace, of course, just after I got back on this side of town. Oh well.
I went to bed early last night and slept for about twelve hours, this is becoming kind of standard and it's a bit alarming. I don't think that is a healthy thing to do and I end up feeling tired the rest of the day anyway. I managed to do some stretching today and that felt good. I also found a forum for people with bipolar that I posted on and have been looking at some different books on people dealing with the illness. I have three books now that I've started and not finished, Infinite Jest, The Elegant Universe and Mental Health Through Will-Power. I need to finish at least one of them before I start yet another book.
I feel mostly the same today as I did yesterday. I wish I had more energy and more stuff to do. It's raining today, so I feel alright about hanging around a little more than I normally would. I also ate some chicken soup, which was good. Other people in this support forum echoed the message that some people understood, some didn't, some people said bipolar ruined most of their relationships or marriages, others seemed to think in time most people that care come around to some sort of understanding.
I am definitely feeling the distance of living in the Palisades today. Really missing hanging out at the house where the game would be on whether I wanted to watch or not, where I could call people up more casually and invite them to my place, where I could do literally whatever the hell I wanted with no regret or guilt, where I had improv practice at 3:30 and would get to hang out with those friends in the evening, where we would go out to eat at places we saw on food TV shows on a whim or just hang out and watch Treme or Boardwalk Empire or Curb, where I would go buy food for the week or BBQ outside or go to the park and play basketball or play Scrabble or Risk if it was raining like it is today, where I would stay in sweats all day and be unapologetic about waking up late or taking a nap.
Well, at least I can still watch Boardwalk Empire tonight. I am ready to land this position at my interview tomorrow. It would be really nice going into Thanksgiving knowing I'm coming back with a job.
It felt good getting back here last night and hanging out with my family. My cousin just got back from college for the Thanksgiving break. I just missed a phone call from Stefan and a text from Jace, of course, just after I got back on this side of town. Oh well.
I went to bed early last night and slept for about twelve hours, this is becoming kind of standard and it's a bit alarming. I don't think that is a healthy thing to do and I end up feeling tired the rest of the day anyway. I managed to do some stretching today and that felt good. I also found a forum for people with bipolar that I posted on and have been looking at some different books on people dealing with the illness. I have three books now that I've started and not finished, Infinite Jest, The Elegant Universe and Mental Health Through Will-Power. I need to finish at least one of them before I start yet another book.
I feel mostly the same today as I did yesterday. I wish I had more energy and more stuff to do. It's raining today, so I feel alright about hanging around a little more than I normally would. I also ate some chicken soup, which was good. Other people in this support forum echoed the message that some people understood, some didn't, some people said bipolar ruined most of their relationships or marriages, others seemed to think in time most people that care come around to some sort of understanding.
I am definitely feeling the distance of living in the Palisades today. Really missing hanging out at the house where the game would be on whether I wanted to watch or not, where I could call people up more casually and invite them to my place, where I could do literally whatever the hell I wanted with no regret or guilt, where I had improv practice at 3:30 and would get to hang out with those friends in the evening, where we would go out to eat at places we saw on food TV shows on a whim or just hang out and watch Treme or Boardwalk Empire or Curb, where I would go buy food for the week or BBQ outside or go to the park and play basketball or play Scrabble or Risk if it was raining like it is today, where I would stay in sweats all day and be unapologetic about waking up late or taking a nap.
Well, at least I can still watch Boardwalk Empire tonight. I am ready to land this position at my interview tomorrow. It would be really nice going into Thanksgiving knowing I'm coming back with a job.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
All I Need Is Some Sunshine
Listening to a great song right now by Timber Timber called "Black Water" and "All I need is some sunshine" is the chorus the singer repeats over and over. That is what I am looking for right now, something good to pick me up and carry me out of this drabness.
I wrote a post earlier and decided to delete it, lets just say the title was "tragic". Felt a little melodramatic. Was what happened to me tragic? Let's deconstruct. In order for something to be a tragedy you have to have a tragic hero, okay check there. In order to be a tragic hero you must have a fatal flaw and what would this flaw be for me? What is it inside of me that allowed for this situation to happen? Maybe that I was two open when I should have hid some of the thoughts and feelings that I had. I trusted too much, I believed too easily. If the same situation happened and I hadn't sent those emails, I would have avoided a large part of this.
And what are the consequences? Well, I'm not dead, happy to say, so in that way this whole thing hasn't been totally tragic. I certainly have a chance to right things and I will, in time. In fact this time I put myself in much less danger than I had in the past. I might have been driving to El Salvador, but I was cool and collected and very patient, also when things didn't work out on the drive I turned around and went home. I didn't end up naked in a cop car and I didn't drive erratically, which I did both of the first two times.
However, the first two times I didn't do any permanent damage to any relationships in my life. Most people kind of heard about things second hand and the few that were around were supportive. In both cases I bounced back quite quickly, I felt "good" again within a couple weeks. I know my brother was thrown off by things for a while, but he was still talking to me, so we were able to build a relationship back. This time isn't so easy, for one reason. Hate to keep harking back on it, but now that I am going home in a few days it is more and more on my mind.
When is she going to talk to me again? When she gets word that I'm over it? I really don't know. It just feels so shitty. Ah, here I go again, getting all gloomy, the exact reason I deleted my last post. I started trying to write an outline for a script about what is going on with me, thinking it might be a good way to vent some more and especially since I am getting some good feedback from people saying I should do something more with my writing. It is so hard to delve back into that past specifically though, especially considering I have no closure with the experience yet.
Closure will never come, I don't think. I have been looking for closure since the first time I tried to get over her, since my mom died, I got it with Kate, but I doubt she did, maybe she did, now that she's engaged to someone else.
So what's the next best thing to closure? Forgetting? I am trying, but obviously not doing a very good job, considering I am sitting here writing another post similar to one I just spent an hour or so writing just to delete. In fact, like I said before, over time I am thinking about it more, well first a lot then less then more and I'm sure it will be more and more until I go home, probably not until deep into next year will I really be able to start to put it behind me, maybe. It's really going to bother me if we're not talking by then.
Some more good lyrics from this band:
I'm afraid I'll never understand baby,
I'm so sorry you had such a bad time.
Well I've done some truly awful things
And you must be very terrified
Well you have every reason to be frightened
Since you been reading my mind
Who am I to deny this moment
And who am I to even question it?
There is a cross on a mountain baby
There is a cross glowing over your head
Please break this spell you have me under
Every heart is a lonesome hunter
Please break this spell you have me under
Every heart is a lonesome hunter.
Now listening to M83 Midnight City
Waiting in a car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
The night city grows
Look and see her eyes, they glow
Know how that is, M83.
I came over to Silverlake tonight figuring I'd find something to do by the time I got here, but no one is around. I have a show at 9:30, I think I'm going to stick around for another half an hour and if I don't here from anyone, I'm going to go back to the Palisades and I'll send them an email letting them know I can't do the show and just tell people I'm not up for going out tonight. I am honestly just feeling really down, like I can feel myself bumming people out right now just typing this. It would probably help to hang out with people, but maybe I can get that going tomorrow if people are less busy, sitting here in this coffee shop all night is no good, at least in the Palisades I can hang out with whoever from my family is at the house, maybe call Jen. I could use a good conversation with her right about now.
Eck, don't even know that I want to post this, but I guess I will.
Back to the Palisades for me. What a waste of gas! Well, considering how I'm feeling, probably best that I don't drink tonight in any case.
I wrote a post earlier and decided to delete it, lets just say the title was "tragic". Felt a little melodramatic. Was what happened to me tragic? Let's deconstruct. In order for something to be a tragedy you have to have a tragic hero, okay check there. In order to be a tragic hero you must have a fatal flaw and what would this flaw be for me? What is it inside of me that allowed for this situation to happen? Maybe that I was two open when I should have hid some of the thoughts and feelings that I had. I trusted too much, I believed too easily. If the same situation happened and I hadn't sent those emails, I would have avoided a large part of this.
And what are the consequences? Well, I'm not dead, happy to say, so in that way this whole thing hasn't been totally tragic. I certainly have a chance to right things and I will, in time. In fact this time I put myself in much less danger than I had in the past. I might have been driving to El Salvador, but I was cool and collected and very patient, also when things didn't work out on the drive I turned around and went home. I didn't end up naked in a cop car and I didn't drive erratically, which I did both of the first two times.
However, the first two times I didn't do any permanent damage to any relationships in my life. Most people kind of heard about things second hand and the few that were around were supportive. In both cases I bounced back quite quickly, I felt "good" again within a couple weeks. I know my brother was thrown off by things for a while, but he was still talking to me, so we were able to build a relationship back. This time isn't so easy, for one reason. Hate to keep harking back on it, but now that I am going home in a few days it is more and more on my mind.
When is she going to talk to me again? When she gets word that I'm over it? I really don't know. It just feels so shitty. Ah, here I go again, getting all gloomy, the exact reason I deleted my last post. I started trying to write an outline for a script about what is going on with me, thinking it might be a good way to vent some more and especially since I am getting some good feedback from people saying I should do something more with my writing. It is so hard to delve back into that past specifically though, especially considering I have no closure with the experience yet.
Closure will never come, I don't think. I have been looking for closure since the first time I tried to get over her, since my mom died, I got it with Kate, but I doubt she did, maybe she did, now that she's engaged to someone else.
So what's the next best thing to closure? Forgetting? I am trying, but obviously not doing a very good job, considering I am sitting here writing another post similar to one I just spent an hour or so writing just to delete. In fact, like I said before, over time I am thinking about it more, well first a lot then less then more and I'm sure it will be more and more until I go home, probably not until deep into next year will I really be able to start to put it behind me, maybe. It's really going to bother me if we're not talking by then.
Some more good lyrics from this band:
I'm afraid I'll never understand baby,
I'm so sorry you had such a bad time.
Well I've done some truly awful things
And you must be very terrified
Well you have every reason to be frightened
Since you been reading my mind
Who am I to deny this moment
And who am I to even question it?
There is a cross on a mountain baby
There is a cross glowing over your head
Please break this spell you have me under
Every heart is a lonesome hunter
Please break this spell you have me under
Every heart is a lonesome hunter.
Waiting in a car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
The night city grows
Look and see her eyes, they glow
Know how that is, M83.
I came over to Silverlake tonight figuring I'd find something to do by the time I got here, but no one is around. I have a show at 9:30, I think I'm going to stick around for another half an hour and if I don't here from anyone, I'm going to go back to the Palisades and I'll send them an email letting them know I can't do the show and just tell people I'm not up for going out tonight. I am honestly just feeling really down, like I can feel myself bumming people out right now just typing this. It would probably help to hang out with people, but maybe I can get that going tomorrow if people are less busy, sitting here in this coffee shop all night is no good, at least in the Palisades I can hang out with whoever from my family is at the house, maybe call Jen. I could use a good conversation with her right about now.
Eck, don't even know that I want to post this, but I guess I will.
Back to the Palisades for me. What a waste of gas! Well, considering how I'm feeling, probably best that I don't drink tonight in any case.
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