Christmas Eve

It is the night before Christmas and I am sitting in the living room watching "It's A Wonderful Life." My dad just went to sleep and my brother went back to his apartment about an hour ago. I flew home Thursday night and spent most of Friday hanging out with Paizis. We took a hike up in the Las Trampas hills and within an hour made it to a spot where you could see the whole Bay Area, from Mt. Diablo, to Bencia, to San Francisco and all the way down to San Jose.

We had a good talk about all kinds of things and I think he is going to try to talk to Kim soon. I wrote her on Thursday, at the suggestion of Dr. Foster, just letting her know that I thought it would be good if we talked and that I feel weird, especially with her being Jen's roommate. Maybe we will talk soon. I don't know.

On Friday night we went to Sarah Garnick's and the Carpenter's Christmas party. It was nice to be able to go having a job and not feeling like a bum. Not as many people were at either of the parties than in other years, but that was alright because I was really happy to see most of the people that were there.

Today I spent most of my time watching football and movies. I went to the Paizis' Christmas party for about an hour and my dad had a friend from AA over to the house to eat dinner with us. He talked to his son on the phone and it was the first time he had heard from him in years and years. He said that his ex-wife wouldn't let them see him. Part of me wondered what he did, but I thought it would be rude to ask and I probably wouldn't get a straight answer. Of course, my dad and him put all the blame on the wife and none on himself. I know not many people deserve that kind of treatment, but there is something about AA that lends itself to not taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions, it wasn't your fault, it was the diseases fault.

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"It's A Wonderful Life" always makes me think. Is George Bailey representative of the American spirit? The rich and powerful Mr. Potter shows no compassion, whereas George Bailey always does, he doesn't have much security to show for it, but he has a nice home and family and he is able to go to sleep at night knowing he is a good person. It reminds me to be thankful for the things that I do have, even though this year has been so much about thinking about the things I don't have any longer.

Already, at 26 I can feel where George Bailey is coming from, when your reality does not meet the expectations that you had in your youth. The movie is a good reminder to keep being a good person and keep working hard and while you may not have that life of your daydreams, you can have a regular, wonderful life.

I had great expectations for my self coming out of college. For years, even though I was working as a waiter or interning, I never felt like a failure, because I always thought I was on my way to something bigger. Now I feel that that may happen one day if I can be patient enough, but I don't expect it or count on it, does that make me a failure? I think certain people thought I was bound for greater things than I have achieved thus far, including myself, but I now have the perspective that life is long and careers are long too, I don't have to come in and do everything in the first few years, which was sort of my expectation when I arrived in LA.

The other lesson I love about "It's A Wonderful Life" is that George learns not to take all the weight on his shoulders and is saved with the help of all of the friends he made over the years. That is the way I felt when I went to the hospital in August. It was nice having everyone around from my family and my friends and my doctors to support me. It was a similar situation, I was trying to run away from everything only to be saved by the support of the people I've know over the years and my guardian angel. I don't much believe in angels, but I certainly feel lucky for not having been hurt or killed in the experiences I've had. I think it would be really interesting to see how the world would be if you'd never been born, I hope I've made it a better place, I know I've tried.

Merry Christmas.