Friday night was fun. I hung out with Stefan and Kristin most of the night. We went to the Good Luck bar and had some drinks there. I guess I drank too much, I had 5 beers at the bar plus some champagne before we left. We had a good time with each other and messed around in Vons on the way back to Stefan's. I hit him in the face with a bag of sauerkraut pretty good. We bought a bunch of bacon that we cooked the next morning, or should I say afternoon. Late that night Gilli and her boyfriend Nick came back and I stayed up chatting with them and their neighbor, Malcom until about four in the morning.
The next day I was a total wreck. I had a terrible headache and could barely do anything. I didn't feel like throwing up, just really tired with a really bad headache. I came back to my aunt and uncle's and fell asleep at about six and didn't get up until this morning. Pretty sad. I'm not going to waste my weekend like that again. I think it was partially drinking the champagne, not having enough water, not having enough to eat, who knows.
This morning I felt really weird because I had slept for so long. No one really noticed I was down here, thank goodness, but it took me over an hour to shake off the daze I was feeling. I guess that is normal when you sleep 12+ hours. So yeah, once I got up, I tried to at least make something of my day, whether I ended up hanging out with people or not. Like I've said before, being on this side of town can be really isolating.
I've been trying to stress less about my job. I am going in early tomorrow to prepare some routes to drop off packages. Tomorrow will be my last day of training with Meredith, then I'll be on my own with Stan. Right now, my honest gut feeling is that I'm going to get fired. I was fired from one job in the past. It was my first serving job and I had lied and said I had serving experience when I didn't. I was working at this little Italian place at the 5 points shopping center in Santa Barbara, the guy who ran it was a mean old (I think) Iranian guy, who pretended he was Italian to uniformed customers.
Serving isn't a hard job, but when you have never done it, you make some mistakes that you don't make once you have had a little practice, like knowing how to make changes to an order, remembering to add things onto a check, etc. I just didn't know these things and I messed up one too many times. My boss never liked me. He was a really impatient guy. Stan reminds me of this guy. I just have that feeling that I am going to mess something up or not do something fast enough for him or just plain not understand how to do something and need to ask him and he will just be fed up and tell me not to come back. I'm going to work hard, but I am over stressing about it already. If he doesn't like me and my skill set, I will go find a job somewhere else and enjoy the unemployment benefits you get when you get fired. I don't want to let down my family, but I have been pretty honest about them about where I am at with the position and my misgivings, so hopefully they would be understanding. I know he has fired assistants before.
Saturday morning he emailed and texted me saying he was thinking about changing his flight to an hour later ten minutes before his limo service arrived to pick him up, he wanted to know what times were available later in the day and if he could use his upgrade. I wasn't able to check this stuff fast enough and his car arrived, so he took the earlier flight. I have a feeling this is how it's going to be. I've got three work related emails from him this weekend. It makes me miss docstoc.
I've had three dreams about Kim in the last week. I haven't been thinking about her as much during the day, but regardless of that, she isn't going away. In each of them we make up to different extents, either we talk, or kiss, or whatever, then I wake up and realize I am alone, I mean, I know I am not alone, but that is how I feel and also, yes, I have been alone most of the last day.
Today in Barnes and Noble I saw a book that made me really sad. It is called 2030...
"June 12, 2030 started out like any other day in memory—and by then, memories were long. Since cancer had been cured fifteen years before, America’s population was aging rapidly. That sounds like good news, but consider this: millions of baby boomers, with a big natural predator picked off, were sucking dry benefits and resources that were never meant to hold them into their eighties and beyond. Young people around the country simmered with resentment toward “the olds” and anger at the treadmill they could never get off of just to maintain their parents’ entitlement programs.
But on that June 12th, everything changed: a massive earthquake devastated Los Angeles, and the government, always teetering on the edge of bankruptcy, was unable to respond."
For some reason I can't help but shake the feeling that one day all of these lights are going to turn off and that all of these luxuries we take for granted are going to disappear and this job I have will feel like a footnote and all my memories from high school and college will feel like a daydream and I will be in a true struggle to survive.
If a big earthquake did hit LA, what would I do? All of the roads around me would be closed due to landslides. I would have to walk to escape, walk North until I found safety. It isn't fun to think about. Michael Silverblatt, the host of bookworm on KCRW said this Friday he believes the earth is headed for another dark age. That is how I feel too, though I have nothing really to back up this instinct. I don't really like Michael Silverblatt or subscribe to anything he has ever said, but for some reason I just have that feeling. Maybe the feeling is more that the United States is destined to be the next Russia, a country of bitter people destroyed by an overly ambitious central government, one that destroyed natural water sources by rerouting rivers, imperialized, got into unnecessary wars and nuclear arms races, and ended up leaving the people of the country empty handed. Everyone that has been to Russia says that the people there are depressing.
I think the real reason I miss Kim is because she was able to find the humor in my worldview, basically that 99% of everything is bs. It can be depressing, but it is fun to be with someone that finds everything as ridiculous as you do and finds beauty in similar things too. Maybe it was that I found my worldview less depressing when I was with her. Certainly, when I was enjoying my time with her, I was never thinking about the future, but only about the present moment and when I look at the present moment, things are rosier.
I wish I lived back during the enlightenment, when people thought man's future was unlimited and for him to write. Although, if I did live back then, I probably would have lived in something equivalent to a shed and probably would have been a peasant and probably would have died at age like 35, if I even made it that far. So I guess this is better than that.
I wonder if there will be a time during my lifetime where people believe once again that our children will do better than the generation that came before. I wonder if I will ever be in a position where I feel like I can give a better life to a child. I hope so, but it is a long way away right now.
Right now I feel very on edge. This job, oh this job. I hope I get the hang of it quickly and he doesn't have the expectation that I will do the job of his last assistant, who was with him for two and a half years. I really hope I learn a lot and come out of it with the knowledge of how to run a production company, which is entirely possible, if I can manage to stick around long enough.
Kim Jong Il is dead. Nice.
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