Man, I've been trying to keep up with writing but it has been really hard. Now that I am finally done with "Breaking Bad" maybe I can refocus, it had me completely sucked in for a couple weeks. There are a lot of other things I need to start doing too. Exercising for one!
Guess how much weight I've gained since I started working? Ten pounds. One month. Ten pounds. Not good. That's fine though. Just need to start considering what I eat and what I do, instead of just eating as much as I can and whatever I want all the time and spending the rest of my time sleeping and watching "Breaking Bad". Today I went on a run and did some push ups and sit ups. I ate pretty healthy, banana, apple, cliff bar, falafel wrap, chicken, broccoli, kale, yeah and like three girl scout cookies. That's nothing. Lately I could cruise through half a box for a snack. Gotta keep it going. 175 is pretty normal for a guy my height, but I refuse to gain any more weight. Being fat is like my worst nightmare. The good news is the doctor told me I should actually eat more meals, to keep my metabolism up, which is a great plan to lose weight if you ask me.
I met a random homeless guy who was schizophrenic and I told him I was schizoaffective and he asked me what meds I was taking, I told him Seroquel and he told me he used to take it and he got diabetes. Then he asked me for five bucks. I couldn't do it, but I gave him one, which I think was still pretty nice.
Monday at the doctor I was in a really bad mood. I don't know what it was, maybe just coming down from having a great weekend, but I felt similar on Sunday. I had a good amount to drink on Saturday, which might have had something to do with it. I'm going to cool it on drinking in general. It is too expensive to get drinks at bars. Next weekend is Vegas, so I will have to have a few there, but beyond that, it is just not that appealing to me. Lots of money, makes me feel shitty the next day, not a concoction for success, though I will admit that having one or two can loosen me up and be fun.
Part of it was that I didn't want to go to work. Everyday when I wake up I feel trapped. I shouldn't, but I do. I wish I was one of those people that saw every day as an opportunity, as something to seize. I mostly think of it as something to get through before I can get some time to do the things that I want to do. It is strange that our jobs have so much control over our lives. I know, some people really get to do their dream job, but it is few and far between.
We live in such an interesting time. In a hundred or two hundred years from now, humans will either be immortal, or extinct. Life on Earth for the human race will look a lot more like heaven, or hell. We live in that perfect stretch of time where technology has advanced to a point where the world is completely connected, but nature still exists.
I specifically live in an interesting place. The opportunities for someone from where I am from are boundless. I know people that have made bands and new inventions and professional sports teams and I know people that have died from drug overdoses. I am somewhere in between.
Watching "Young Adult" made me sort of worried about myself. I see a lot of myself in the the protagonist and she is a terrible human being. She moves from a small town to the big city and is a writer. She chugs diet coke, sleeps all day, has a dog she neglects, pretends to text, eats fast food, drinks too much, watches reality tv, and uses people to get what she wants. Not all of those things match up. Anyway, she goes back to win her high school sweetheart back, who is happily married with a child. This kind of reminded me of going back after Kim, even though she was single when we saw each other. I wouldn't have cared if she had a boyfriend.
A big part of the movie is showcasing that staying in a small town and having a family and regular job can be very fulfilling, while being a writer and being single in the city can be very lonely and cater to people with big egos and mental problems.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choices in life. I have always followed my passion and my passion was to do improv comedy and to write, but there are other times when I wonder if I should have followed something else, something more fulfilling. Improv and writing are very fulfilling as artistic expressions, but to be successful financially doing either it means you must be validated by lots of people, it means you need to network, it means you need to make it your career and if you did, would it be fulfilling? Possibly, sometimes, but as I am growing older, one thing I am really learning is having a good family and/or a good group of friends is more fulfilling to me than being validated by people who, for the most part I never really respected much to begin with.
When I first moved down here, I definitely had a lack of respect for people in Hollywood, especially people in the improv community. I respected the very few that I thought were good and dismissed all the rest. It didn't make me many friends in the community. Now I am nice to everyone and let everyone know that I liked their show, whether I am genuine or not. I don't have a great poker face for those that know me, so I doubt any of them are worried if I gave a forthcoming opinion for them after a show. It is mostly people that come up that I don't know and congratulate, that I always make sure to congratulate back.
Ok, I am literally dozing off behind this keyboard as I type. Kind of rambled, but oh well, no time to edit. I need sleep!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Breaking Bad
I've been flying through Breaking Bad since the beginning of the New Year. In the last twenty or so days I've watched around forty episodes. I'm almost completely caught up. I guess the last season will be this year.
It's a really good show, needless to say, I guess, since it is all I've been watching the last month. I haven't even missed The Daily Show or The Colbert Report, which I usually watch religiously. The central theme of the show seems to be fate and whether we are in control of our fate and whether the decisions we make influence our fate or if life is random and senseless.
Spoilers Ahead:
Walter, the central character of the show is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He has been a perfect guy for his entire life, but suddenly he sees that life is random and despite that he has always been good, he is going to die young, with nothing to leave for his family and nothing to show for it.
So he decides to start cooking meth. He ends up having to kill a man. His partner, Jesse begins to date a girl who is in rehab and she goes back to using a dangerous combination of heroin and meth. Because he is making so much money with Walter, when her dad tries to force her back to rehab they decide to skip town, but to have one last bender the night before they leave. That night, she dies of a drug overdose. Distraught, her father, an air traffic controller goes back to work and causes an accident on his first day back. Two planes collide in midair and hundreds of people die. Walter gives a speech at the school where he works and it is clear he is denial about his part in what happened.
Walter thought life was random, but it isn't. Things seem to be coincidence, but they aren't. Debris from the plane crash falls down all over Walter's neighborhood and body parts fall all over. An eye ball from a teddy bear falls in Walter's pool, the all seeing eye of God. He picks it up and keeps it with him. He wishes that he would die, life now to him seems like a punishment.
Although he is in denial, Walter is beginning to learn about the consequences of choices. While you don't necessarily ever get rewarded for the good things you do, there are consequences to the bad things that you do. While sometimes bad things do happen to us, this is a test of our resilience and faith. Walter is not a man of faith, he is a man of science. The other man of science, Gale, is killed by Jesse to save Walter's life. Gale is a libertarian and believes people are entitled to do whatever they choose. He does not believe that his actions have moral consequences and feels no remorse for selling an addictive drug. The others that are bad, and know what they are doing is wrong, seem protected. Walter claims Gale did not deserve to die, though he is responsible for his death.
Walter claims that he does what he does for his family, but morally, no matter how much he cares for his family, the decisions that he has made to care for them can never be defended. The family is just an idea or justification he has created to do terrible things.
Jesse kills for revenge or to save people's lives or for heroic purposes. He makes moral decisions about what is right and what is wrong in each circumstance. He feels guilt about the mistakes that he's made. Walter doesn't show any guilt, when he kills, it is because he is a coward and doesn't want to get caught.
At his heart, Walter is a coward. Jesse is the real hero of the show. My guess is Walter will end up dead by the end of the series and Jesse will get away and be able to start his life over. My guess is Hank, Walter's brother, who is in the DEA will eventually find out that Walter is responsible.
This show has been really interesting to me because I love to think about the effects of the choices we make and the way that coincidence builds our lives. Also, Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman, a book that is mentioned in Infinite Jest, the one that I wrote about a while back figures prominently into the narrative. It is a book that Gale quotes to Walter, here is something really interesting I found online about the whole Walt Whitman element:
I just watched all the seasons in the last few weeks, and I am stunned by the complexity of this show. As the show tells us, "the devil is in the details."
I love the way you guys have analyzed the show. I was especially interested in enocaster's thoughts on the use of color. Along those lines, I always notice Walt visibly wears tighty-whiteis when he's feeling particularly vulnerable.
However, I'm really surprised none of you (maybe I missed it) discuss the show's connection to the poet Walt Whitman. Maybe I'm reaching, but....
1. Start with the obvious. Walt White = Walt Whit(man).
2. If you go to the wiki page on Walt Whitman, and you look that the picture of him from the frontispiece of the "Leaves of Grass", age 37, it looks just like Walt White from the show. Their facial hair is the same, with a mustache and goatee, and he wears the Heisenberg hat. Weird.
3. I couldn't tell you what episode it was, but at one point, Walt and Walt Jr. are watching Jeopardy, and the "answer" is something like, "A four letter word for barbaric expression of emotion." The "question" being yawp. In "Leaves of Grass," Whitman writes, "I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable/ I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world." Yawp is a word Whitman made up, and the quote sounds like Walt, or anyone "breaking bad".
4. Along those same lines, Gale seems to have an affinity for Walt Whitman, and quoted from "The Learn'd Astronomer". To me, the poem is about going to see a smart professor talk, but his explanations seem like nonsense, and you have to get the hell out of the lecture hall because he's so full of himself. Not only that, but he's ruining the simple beauty and awe that the night sky has over you. There have been many occasions on the show when Walt is talking and I want to punch him in the head. He has a habit of talking to others in an effort to control the situation, or to convince himself of something he doesn't really believe in, and I find it annoying.
5. Upon his birth, the poet Walt Whitman "was immediately nicknamed "Walt" to distinguish him from his father Walter Whitman Sr." So just like in the show, there is a Walt Sr., and a Walt Jr. Also, the poet had a brother named Jesse. BOOM! I think the writers took the 'man' from Walt Whitman and put it onto the end of Jesse Pink(man), to make it complete.
Sometimes I think there is no Walt Whitman in the show, sometimes all the characters are an amalgam of him, but mostly I think it's Walter, Jr. Jr. seems to see through the bullshit that Walt brings, much like poets are thought to do. In the episode where Jesse beat up Walt, Jr. calls Walt out for lying for the past year and calls him fake. Also, when Jr. put Walt to bed, Walt called Jr. Jesse, further solidifying that he thinks of Jesse like his own child, a brother to Jr., like Walt Whitman was a Jr and had a brother named Jesse. According to Wiki, the poet "Whitman committed his brother Jesse to the Kings County Lunatic Asylum" in 1864. Committed = rehab?
6. Also according to wiki, Whitman died as a result of lung problems: "An autopsy revealed his lungs had diminished to one-eighth their normal breathing capacity, a result of bronchial pneumonia, and that an egg-sized abscess on his chest had eroded one of his ribs." Walt has lung cancer.
The show continues to say that "The Devil is in the Details". I think this show means that quite literally. Walter is completely consumed by details, he is possessed by them. From what I know about Leaves of Grass, Whitman is often writing about the sublime and how direct experience of nature transcends all other experience and brings you closer to your true nature. Walter is consumed by minutia, this is what makes him a great meth cook, it is also what never allows him to take in what is around him. He could have being diagnosed with cancer as an opportunity for a new lease on life, his wealthy friend was willing to provide him with money for treatment. Walter denied that money because of a detail, that they used to be business partners and Walter felt like his friend took Walter's ideas and made millions off of him. Walter never once sits back and enjoys or appreciates what he has, except for one moment he talks about when he listening to his wife and his newborn through a baby monitor in another room. He says he wishes he had died at this moment. He says this during an episode called Fly, where he becomes obsessed with killing a single fly that he thinks will contaminate his lab equipment. The fly's presence is random. Walter's reaction to it is not. He kills the fly.
Here is the quote Gale recites to Walter:
I think this adds to my case.
Well, a little too sloppy to be an essay on the show, but those are my thoughts about it, more or less. Today I lost the key to the cold storage unit we have. The only location I can possibly think of for the key is in our regular storage unit. I was searching around in there today and needed to open a box that was all taped up, I pulled my keys out of my pocket and heard and saw something drop into a box. It was kind of dark and couldn't really see, so I decided not to worry about it. Hours later I noticed the key was missing. I hope it is in there. Meanwhile, I was missing one of the more beautiful sunsets LA has had recently. The devil is in the details. I don't want to turn out like Walter White, I want to turn out like Walt Whitman.
It's a really good show, needless to say, I guess, since it is all I've been watching the last month. I haven't even missed The Daily Show or The Colbert Report, which I usually watch religiously. The central theme of the show seems to be fate and whether we are in control of our fate and whether the decisions we make influence our fate or if life is random and senseless.
Spoilers Ahead:
Walter, the central character of the show is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He has been a perfect guy for his entire life, but suddenly he sees that life is random and despite that he has always been good, he is going to die young, with nothing to leave for his family and nothing to show for it.
So he decides to start cooking meth. He ends up having to kill a man. His partner, Jesse begins to date a girl who is in rehab and she goes back to using a dangerous combination of heroin and meth. Because he is making so much money with Walter, when her dad tries to force her back to rehab they decide to skip town, but to have one last bender the night before they leave. That night, she dies of a drug overdose. Distraught, her father, an air traffic controller goes back to work and causes an accident on his first day back. Two planes collide in midair and hundreds of people die. Walter gives a speech at the school where he works and it is clear he is denial about his part in what happened.
Walter thought life was random, but it isn't. Things seem to be coincidence, but they aren't. Debris from the plane crash falls down all over Walter's neighborhood and body parts fall all over. An eye ball from a teddy bear falls in Walter's pool, the all seeing eye of God. He picks it up and keeps it with him. He wishes that he would die, life now to him seems like a punishment.
Although he is in denial, Walter is beginning to learn about the consequences of choices. While you don't necessarily ever get rewarded for the good things you do, there are consequences to the bad things that you do. While sometimes bad things do happen to us, this is a test of our resilience and faith. Walter is not a man of faith, he is a man of science. The other man of science, Gale, is killed by Jesse to save Walter's life. Gale is a libertarian and believes people are entitled to do whatever they choose. He does not believe that his actions have moral consequences and feels no remorse for selling an addictive drug. The others that are bad, and know what they are doing is wrong, seem protected. Walter claims Gale did not deserve to die, though he is responsible for his death.
Walter claims that he does what he does for his family, but morally, no matter how much he cares for his family, the decisions that he has made to care for them can never be defended. The family is just an idea or justification he has created to do terrible things.
Jesse kills for revenge or to save people's lives or for heroic purposes. He makes moral decisions about what is right and what is wrong in each circumstance. He feels guilt about the mistakes that he's made. Walter doesn't show any guilt, when he kills, it is because he is a coward and doesn't want to get caught.
At his heart, Walter is a coward. Jesse is the real hero of the show. My guess is Walter will end up dead by the end of the series and Jesse will get away and be able to start his life over. My guess is Hank, Walter's brother, who is in the DEA will eventually find out that Walter is responsible.
This show has been really interesting to me because I love to think about the effects of the choices we make and the way that coincidence builds our lives. Also, Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman, a book that is mentioned in Infinite Jest, the one that I wrote about a while back figures prominently into the narrative. It is a book that Gale quotes to Walter, here is something really interesting I found online about the whole Walt Whitman element:
I just watched all the seasons in the last few weeks, and I am stunned by the complexity of this show. As the show tells us, "the devil is in the details."
I love the way you guys have analyzed the show. I was especially interested in enocaster's thoughts on the use of color. Along those lines, I always notice Walt visibly wears tighty-whiteis when he's feeling particularly vulnerable.
However, I'm really surprised none of you (maybe I missed it) discuss the show's connection to the poet Walt Whitman. Maybe I'm reaching, but....
1. Start with the obvious. Walt White = Walt Whit(man).
2. If you go to the wiki page on Walt Whitman, and you look that the picture of him from the frontispiece of the "Leaves of Grass", age 37, it looks just like Walt White from the show. Their facial hair is the same, with a mustache and goatee, and he wears the Heisenberg hat. Weird.
3. I couldn't tell you what episode it was, but at one point, Walt and Walt Jr. are watching Jeopardy, and the "answer" is something like, "A four letter word for barbaric expression of emotion." The "question" being yawp. In "Leaves of Grass," Whitman writes, "I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable/ I sound my barbaric YAWP over the roofs of the world." Yawp is a word Whitman made up, and the quote sounds like Walt, or anyone "breaking bad".
4. Along those same lines, Gale seems to have an affinity for Walt Whitman, and quoted from "The Learn'd Astronomer". To me, the poem is about going to see a smart professor talk, but his explanations seem like nonsense, and you have to get the hell out of the lecture hall because he's so full of himself. Not only that, but he's ruining the simple beauty and awe that the night sky has over you. There have been many occasions on the show when Walt is talking and I want to punch him in the head. He has a habit of talking to others in an effort to control the situation, or to convince himself of something he doesn't really believe in, and I find it annoying.
5. Upon his birth, the poet Walt Whitman "was immediately nicknamed "Walt" to distinguish him from his father Walter Whitman Sr." So just like in the show, there is a Walt Sr., and a Walt Jr. Also, the poet had a brother named Jesse. BOOM! I think the writers took the 'man' from Walt Whitman and put it onto the end of Jesse Pink(man), to make it complete.
Sometimes I think there is no Walt Whitman in the show, sometimes all the characters are an amalgam of him, but mostly I think it's Walter, Jr. Jr. seems to see through the bullshit that Walt brings, much like poets are thought to do. In the episode where Jesse beat up Walt, Jr. calls Walt out for lying for the past year and calls him fake. Also, when Jr. put Walt to bed, Walt called Jr. Jesse, further solidifying that he thinks of Jesse like his own child, a brother to Jr., like Walt Whitman was a Jr and had a brother named Jesse. According to Wiki, the poet "Whitman committed his brother Jesse to the Kings County Lunatic Asylum" in 1864. Committed = rehab?
6. Also according to wiki, Whitman died as a result of lung problems: "An autopsy revealed his lungs had diminished to one-eighth their normal breathing capacity, a result of bronchial pneumonia, and that an egg-sized abscess on his chest had eroded one of his ribs." Walt has lung cancer.
The show continues to say that "The Devil is in the Details". I think this show means that quite literally. Walter is completely consumed by details, he is possessed by them. From what I know about Leaves of Grass, Whitman is often writing about the sublime and how direct experience of nature transcends all other experience and brings you closer to your true nature. Walter is consumed by minutia, this is what makes him a great meth cook, it is also what never allows him to take in what is around him. He could have being diagnosed with cancer as an opportunity for a new lease on life, his wealthy friend was willing to provide him with money for treatment. Walter denied that money because of a detail, that they used to be business partners and Walter felt like his friend took Walter's ideas and made millions off of him. Walter never once sits back and enjoys or appreciates what he has, except for one moment he talks about when he listening to his wife and his newborn through a baby monitor in another room. He says he wishes he had died at this moment. He says this during an episode called Fly, where he becomes obsessed with killing a single fly that he thinks will contaminate his lab equipment. The fly's presence is random. Walter's reaction to it is not. He kills the fly.
Here is the quote Gale recites to Walter:
| WHEN I heard the learn’d astronomer; | |
| When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me; | |
| When I was shown the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them; | |
| When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much applause in the lecture-room, | |
| How soon, unaccountable, I became tired and sick; | 5 |
| Till rising and gliding out, I wander’d off by myself, | |
| In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time, | |
| Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars. |
I think this adds to my case.
Well, a little too sloppy to be an essay on the show, but those are my thoughts about it, more or less. Today I lost the key to the cold storage unit we have. The only location I can possibly think of for the key is in our regular storage unit. I was searching around in there today and needed to open a box that was all taped up, I pulled my keys out of my pocket and heard and saw something drop into a box. It was kind of dark and couldn't really see, so I decided not to worry about it. Hours later I noticed the key was missing. I hope it is in there. Meanwhile, I was missing one of the more beautiful sunsets LA has had recently. The devil is in the details. I don't want to turn out like Walter White, I want to turn out like Walt Whitman.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Niners, What a Bummer
I watched the Niners game today. Stefan and I went to a bar called Public House where they have a million TVs and got setup at a pretty sweet table outside, they'd hung a flat screen around a tree. We watched almost the entire game from there. I was pretty sure the Niners were going to be headed to the Superbowl. In the first half their offense looked alright and they just couldn't stop Victor Cruz and Eli Manning on NY. Finally, in the second half it seemed like they had their number, but then they stopped being able to get anything on offense. The Niners made some stupid mistakes and had a couple things just not go there way. What a bummer. Now the Superbowl in going to be between the Patriots and the Giants, again.
The last week has been pretty stressful. I put the wrong zip code on a pretty important package that I sent Express by USPS and watched as it made it's way across the United States, but not at all in the direction I needed it to go. It was supposed to go overnight to Boca Raton, Florida but instead went to Toledo, Ohio and then Detroit. Luckily, my boss didn't realize I'd made this mistake. I told him I had no idea what was going on and he didn't seem suspicious. Then, the package made it to Boca Raton, a day late and the guy that was supposed to pick it up was never able to sign for it and he left Boca Raton. Sounds like a bad thing, but it is actually good because now he will never pick up the package and see for himself that the zip code was wrong and I'm pretty sure he and my boss will never have a conversation about it.
I was really worried because I made a few mistakes the day that I sent out the package and was finally coming back from getting a small lecture from my boss. Working for him really is a pain in the ass, non-stop. I appreciate having a job and am glad to be working, but he is relentless with his emails and is very particular.
It is hard for me to pay such close attention to detail. I can take care of a large workload, but it is hard for me to do a flawless job, even if I move slower. I was the kid that would always finish his math test first but could never get 100%, no matter how careful I was some detail always would manage to elude me. I am trying hard, but I know things here and there are going to slip through the cracks with me, it's just the way I am.
So, he is in London now and will be gone until Wednesday, which is a minor relief. I will have a good amount of time at the office tomorrow to get organized and live a more relaxed existence. This whole last week I was really stressing, really not wanting to tell him I messed up on the zip code, having to respond to emails at all hours. It's a bitch.
This weekend, Stefan and I had a grand ole time. I spent more money than I probably should have, but nothing to egregious. Around $100. On Friday night we walked up the street to a couple of bars and ended up at the Shortstop, a bar with dancing and such, we danced the night away and ate bacon wrapped hot dogs and Tacos Arizas afterwards. I had never been to Tacos Arizas, it rivals Taco Zone as the supposed best Mexican truck in LA. It was really really good. I think they have a bigger selection than Taco Zone. The next night we met up with Kristin and Alex at Good Luck bar, they invited a frind Candace, who I had done improv with my freshman year of college and hadn't seen since. She just moved to LA from New York. Then we went to Funky Sole in Echo Park and on the way met a British chap named Henry, who just moved to the states and specializes in creating crowds via computer, like, he can take a few people and make it look like thousands. Pretty interesting dude. I was down with him because he knew the bus lines. I also ate at Wot Dong Moon Lek and Ricky's Fish Tacos and Boos Cheesesteaks this weekend, just being a fat kid, sleeping in really late on Stefan's couch, not exercising, at all.
I'm still having dreams about Kim, like we run into each other and things are weird. The only thing I can compare it to is when I would have dreams about my mom. It hasn't happened in a while, but I used to have dreams where she had been diagnosed with cancer, but had somehow stayed alive for years after. In my dreams with Kim, everything that happened between us happened and is some of the dreams she doesn't seem to care about it anymore and in others I feel strange for having run into her.
There is a new show coming out on TV called touched and it reminds me a lot of my manic experience. This kid is able to see how things connect in the universe and chooses a date that is for some reason important. He also draws spirals. I thought that important date was going to be 11/8/11. When I was first brought to the hospital, I wanted to be put in a drug induced coma from 11/3/11 until 12/22/12, in order to keep the apocalypse from happening. I was pretty sure aliens that were concerned about nuclear radiation, about the explosion of the human population on Earth and angry about our consumption of natural resources were going to send some sort of asteroid to destroy us.
Part of me wants to write more about my last manic experience, maybe I will in this week coming up here, as I will hopefully have more time and be less stressed. There was a lot going on at that time that I am still putting together.
The last week has been pretty stressful. I put the wrong zip code on a pretty important package that I sent Express by USPS and watched as it made it's way across the United States, but not at all in the direction I needed it to go. It was supposed to go overnight to Boca Raton, Florida but instead went to Toledo, Ohio and then Detroit. Luckily, my boss didn't realize I'd made this mistake. I told him I had no idea what was going on and he didn't seem suspicious. Then, the package made it to Boca Raton, a day late and the guy that was supposed to pick it up was never able to sign for it and he left Boca Raton. Sounds like a bad thing, but it is actually good because now he will never pick up the package and see for himself that the zip code was wrong and I'm pretty sure he and my boss will never have a conversation about it.
I was really worried because I made a few mistakes the day that I sent out the package and was finally coming back from getting a small lecture from my boss. Working for him really is a pain in the ass, non-stop. I appreciate having a job and am glad to be working, but he is relentless with his emails and is very particular.
It is hard for me to pay such close attention to detail. I can take care of a large workload, but it is hard for me to do a flawless job, even if I move slower. I was the kid that would always finish his math test first but could never get 100%, no matter how careful I was some detail always would manage to elude me. I am trying hard, but I know things here and there are going to slip through the cracks with me, it's just the way I am.
So, he is in London now and will be gone until Wednesday, which is a minor relief. I will have a good amount of time at the office tomorrow to get organized and live a more relaxed existence. This whole last week I was really stressing, really not wanting to tell him I messed up on the zip code, having to respond to emails at all hours. It's a bitch.
This weekend, Stefan and I had a grand ole time. I spent more money than I probably should have, but nothing to egregious. Around $100. On Friday night we walked up the street to a couple of bars and ended up at the Shortstop, a bar with dancing and such, we danced the night away and ate bacon wrapped hot dogs and Tacos Arizas afterwards. I had never been to Tacos Arizas, it rivals Taco Zone as the supposed best Mexican truck in LA. It was really really good. I think they have a bigger selection than Taco Zone. The next night we met up with Kristin and Alex at Good Luck bar, they invited a frind Candace, who I had done improv with my freshman year of college and hadn't seen since. She just moved to LA from New York. Then we went to Funky Sole in Echo Park and on the way met a British chap named Henry, who just moved to the states and specializes in creating crowds via computer, like, he can take a few people and make it look like thousands. Pretty interesting dude. I was down with him because he knew the bus lines. I also ate at Wot Dong Moon Lek and Ricky's Fish Tacos and Boos Cheesesteaks this weekend, just being a fat kid, sleeping in really late on Stefan's couch, not exercising, at all.
I'm still having dreams about Kim, like we run into each other and things are weird. The only thing I can compare it to is when I would have dreams about my mom. It hasn't happened in a while, but I used to have dreams where she had been diagnosed with cancer, but had somehow stayed alive for years after. In my dreams with Kim, everything that happened between us happened and is some of the dreams she doesn't seem to care about it anymore and in others I feel strange for having run into her.
There is a new show coming out on TV called touched and it reminds me a lot of my manic experience. This kid is able to see how things connect in the universe and chooses a date that is for some reason important. He also draws spirals. I thought that important date was going to be 11/8/11. When I was first brought to the hospital, I wanted to be put in a drug induced coma from 11/3/11 until 12/22/12, in order to keep the apocalypse from happening. I was pretty sure aliens that were concerned about nuclear radiation, about the explosion of the human population on Earth and angry about our consumption of natural resources were going to send some sort of asteroid to destroy us.
Part of me wants to write more about my last manic experience, maybe I will in this week coming up here, as I will hopefully have more time and be less stressed. There was a lot going on at that time that I am still putting together.
Monday, January 16, 2012
End of the Weekend
I'm going back to work tomorrow. I've had three days off, which have been pretty enjoyable, except for my boss has been emailing me and bothering me the whole time. It really annoys me that he feels the need to frequently contact me on the weekend. He even asked if there was another address I check more frequently when it took me a couple hours to get back to him one day. It's bullshit.
Friday night I went out with Stefan to this place called "A Club Called Rhonda". It was pretty fun, most clubbish atmosphere I'd been to in LA. I danced quite a bit, which I always like doing, but the crowd was pretty subdued for the most part. I ran into my cousin Kendall, I think she was really surprised to see me there, as it was a club scene and a lot of gay people, but whatever.
Saturday I hung out with Gilli her boyfriend Nick during the day and we went hiking in Griffith Park. We made our way up to a really great view of Los Feliz, Silverlake and downtown. From this perspective the city looked totally lush. It was pretty clear and you could see all the way to Long Beach. I missed the Niners game in the afternoon, which I guess was one of the best in history. I wish I could have seen it, but at the same time, it was better to be hanging out with friends, even if it meant missing it. In the afternoon we went to this restaurant called Little Dom's with Nick, Gilli, Stefan and I.
That evening I went to go be an extra on something Jace and Justin were filming. There were a lot of people working on it and I was kind of surprised that I had heard so little about it, considering Jace and Justin are two of my best friends. It's called "Sad Guys" and that is basically all I know about it. I'm sure it will be funny.
We hung out at Stefan and Gilli's that night and played drinking games at their house. An intern that works on "Childern's Hospital" with them came over and so did Jace. It was really nice to be hanging out with everyone. After Gilli went to sleep Jace, Stefan and I went to a karaoke bar to sing, plus they secretly serve alcohol till about 4am. By the time we got there it was too late to sing, because the same group had requested song after song.
The next day, Sunday, I was supposed to go to six flags with Kevin, but I ended up waking up after they left. Instead I went over to Josh's and watched football. Then, we went in the spa and played a game of Monopoly, which Josh won handily. It was one of the shortest games ever, it was clear who was going to win from the beginning when he was able to stack a bunch of properties. I came back to the Palisades Sunday night and have sort of been hanging around since. Yesterday it was good, I watched some "Breaking Bad" and spent some time to myself, but today I've been a little lonely. Didn't hear from anyone today and that always makes me kind of sad. At least I've been able to catch up on some sleep.
So, tomorrow it is back to the grind. I only have to make Tues-Fri. He will be gone over the weekend and Mon and Tues next week so hopefully I'll get some breathing room. The next few days leading up to his business trip are going to be annoying. I can already tell from how he has been acting this weekend.
Today was my first psychiatry appointment where we didn't talk about Kim at all, at least since I found out she blocked me on Facebook. I didn't even realize it until afterward. I think that is healthy. As I've said before, it is the best thing to move on, but a large part of me doesn't want to because it is where I'm most comfortable. Slowly but surely it's happening.
I know I will wake up tomorrow and be disappointed that I have to go work all day. I wish I worked for something or someone I loved. I am not there yet, but someday.
Friday night I went out with Stefan to this place called "A Club Called Rhonda". It was pretty fun, most clubbish atmosphere I'd been to in LA. I danced quite a bit, which I always like doing, but the crowd was pretty subdued for the most part. I ran into my cousin Kendall, I think she was really surprised to see me there, as it was a club scene and a lot of gay people, but whatever.
Saturday I hung out with Gilli her boyfriend Nick during the day and we went hiking in Griffith Park. We made our way up to a really great view of Los Feliz, Silverlake and downtown. From this perspective the city looked totally lush. It was pretty clear and you could see all the way to Long Beach. I missed the Niners game in the afternoon, which I guess was one of the best in history. I wish I could have seen it, but at the same time, it was better to be hanging out with friends, even if it meant missing it. In the afternoon we went to this restaurant called Little Dom's with Nick, Gilli, Stefan and I.
That evening I went to go be an extra on something Jace and Justin were filming. There were a lot of people working on it and I was kind of surprised that I had heard so little about it, considering Jace and Justin are two of my best friends. It's called "Sad Guys" and that is basically all I know about it. I'm sure it will be funny.
We hung out at Stefan and Gilli's that night and played drinking games at their house. An intern that works on "Childern's Hospital" with them came over and so did Jace. It was really nice to be hanging out with everyone. After Gilli went to sleep Jace, Stefan and I went to a karaoke bar to sing, plus they secretly serve alcohol till about 4am. By the time we got there it was too late to sing, because the same group had requested song after song.
The next day, Sunday, I was supposed to go to six flags with Kevin, but I ended up waking up after they left. Instead I went over to Josh's and watched football. Then, we went in the spa and played a game of Monopoly, which Josh won handily. It was one of the shortest games ever, it was clear who was going to win from the beginning when he was able to stack a bunch of properties. I came back to the Palisades Sunday night and have sort of been hanging around since. Yesterday it was good, I watched some "Breaking Bad" and spent some time to myself, but today I've been a little lonely. Didn't hear from anyone today and that always makes me kind of sad. At least I've been able to catch up on some sleep.
So, tomorrow it is back to the grind. I only have to make Tues-Fri. He will be gone over the weekend and Mon and Tues next week so hopefully I'll get some breathing room. The next few days leading up to his business trip are going to be annoying. I can already tell from how he has been acting this weekend.
Today was my first psychiatry appointment where we didn't talk about Kim at all, at least since I found out she blocked me on Facebook. I didn't even realize it until afterward. I think that is healthy. As I've said before, it is the best thing to move on, but a large part of me doesn't want to because it is where I'm most comfortable. Slowly but surely it's happening.
I know I will wake up tomorrow and be disappointed that I have to go work all day. I wish I worked for something or someone I loved. I am not there yet, but someday.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It's So Over
Today was a good day at work. My boss was gone so most of the day amounted to me hanging around in the office. I kept myself busy doing some left over stuff I haven't had tome to get around to in the last couple days, but I didn't look through files or go over to storage like I could have. I've been working my ass off, so I took today as a chance to take a breath.
This weekend I hung out with Kristin on Friday night. We went to Harvard and Stone and had a couple drinks. I keyed her in on the Vegas trip coming up and we caught up. Harvard and Stone is a cool bar, but I'm not to keen on any place that features $12 drinks, they are good, but honestly I expected a little more booze for that.
Saturday I saw Sean. He is engaged to his British girlfriend Laura, I honestly am happy for him, I can tell he really likes her and I've seen Sean go through a lot of relationships and this one seems like a match, like they are both as into each other as the other...yeah, you get it. We went to see "The Artist", which was a great movie. I had never really watched a silent film before, except Chaplain and it actually kept me entertained the whole way though. It is funny how little of the dialogue is actually necessary and how much can be inferred. Afterward he came to my improv show, which went pretty well, it was at least really fun, small audience but really fun. I have some hope for this team, really funny people on it.
Sunday I slept in, watched some football and then went and played frisbee golf with Jace. I threw an alright game, the holes were in really tough positions, then I went and got dinner with Stefan. I'd had a really bad sinus cold all week but we ate at Wot Don Moon Lek, a South East Asian restaurant and I had a really spicy meal and it totally cleared out my sinuses, I was going through tissue after tissue.
On Saturday night, I saw Gilli's car at Dan Lippert's house as I was driving to Sean's, then heard from Jace that they had all been hanging out at a friend's birthday party and then gone back there. It bums me out that I don't get phone calls from anyone when this kind of stuff happens anymore. When I had my house on that side of town I felt like I was in the center of everything. Now I feel like I'm on the peripherals.
I had a friend in high school who we would sometimes forget to call or invite places and I never felt much sympathy for him. "Why doesn't he call us?" is how I would always put it. Now I understand where he is coming from a little bit. I don't want to always be the one calling. I never have been, until now and now I feel weird that I rarely get a phone call inviting me out to go do something. At the same time I learned from his mistakes, in the sense that I will never say anything about it, beyond writing this, because every time he brought it up it made us want to call him less.
Kevin invited me to move in with him at the end of this month. I want to take him up on it if we can find the right place, but his timeline is pretty short and I don't want to move into a place that isn't right. Hopefully we can find something in the next couple weeks. It turns out no one is on the lease in the apartment that he lives in currently. Oops.
So I've been thinking and fantasizing about what I am going to say to Kim when she finally does write me, I am done trying to contact her. It is becoming clear to me she probably won't say anything until she has a serious boyfriend, here is what I am going to tell her:
Thanks for writing. I've thought a lot about what I would say to you when you finally wrote me. I am glad you finally feel I've given you enough space. I tried really hard to reach out to you because I wanted to give you the opportunity to let me forgive you for the way you acted, but now it is too late and things will never be the same. You were my most cherished relationship and most important friend, that will never be the same. The last time we were together you told me you would always be there for me no matter what happened between us and you lied. How you chose to behave was extremely selfish, telling me you needed time for yourself, even though (insert some private shit here). I needed you and you weren't there. People have told me to wait it out and that things would go back to normal, but I don't think they have a clue as to what our relationship was, only you and I know that and I think we both know it will never go back to normal. Maybe this is what you wanted. I'm not really sure how you are going to react to this and frankly I don't really care. Part of me hopes you will try to regain my trust and keep the promises you made to me, another part of me thinks it's easier just to never see you or talk to you again. It's your call. Like always.
Yeah. Sooner or later it's coming.
This weekend I hung out with Kristin on Friday night. We went to Harvard and Stone and had a couple drinks. I keyed her in on the Vegas trip coming up and we caught up. Harvard and Stone is a cool bar, but I'm not to keen on any place that features $12 drinks, they are good, but honestly I expected a little more booze for that.
Saturday I saw Sean. He is engaged to his British girlfriend Laura, I honestly am happy for him, I can tell he really likes her and I've seen Sean go through a lot of relationships and this one seems like a match, like they are both as into each other as the other...yeah, you get it. We went to see "The Artist", which was a great movie. I had never really watched a silent film before, except Chaplain and it actually kept me entertained the whole way though. It is funny how little of the dialogue is actually necessary and how much can be inferred. Afterward he came to my improv show, which went pretty well, it was at least really fun, small audience but really fun. I have some hope for this team, really funny people on it.
Sunday I slept in, watched some football and then went and played frisbee golf with Jace. I threw an alright game, the holes were in really tough positions, then I went and got dinner with Stefan. I'd had a really bad sinus cold all week but we ate at Wot Don Moon Lek, a South East Asian restaurant and I had a really spicy meal and it totally cleared out my sinuses, I was going through tissue after tissue.
On Saturday night, I saw Gilli's car at Dan Lippert's house as I was driving to Sean's, then heard from Jace that they had all been hanging out at a friend's birthday party and then gone back there. It bums me out that I don't get phone calls from anyone when this kind of stuff happens anymore. When I had my house on that side of town I felt like I was in the center of everything. Now I feel like I'm on the peripherals.
I had a friend in high school who we would sometimes forget to call or invite places and I never felt much sympathy for him. "Why doesn't he call us?" is how I would always put it. Now I understand where he is coming from a little bit. I don't want to always be the one calling. I never have been, until now and now I feel weird that I rarely get a phone call inviting me out to go do something. At the same time I learned from his mistakes, in the sense that I will never say anything about it, beyond writing this, because every time he brought it up it made us want to call him less.
Kevin invited me to move in with him at the end of this month. I want to take him up on it if we can find the right place, but his timeline is pretty short and I don't want to move into a place that isn't right. Hopefully we can find something in the next couple weeks. It turns out no one is on the lease in the apartment that he lives in currently. Oops.
So I've been thinking and fantasizing about what I am going to say to Kim when she finally does write me, I am done trying to contact her. It is becoming clear to me she probably won't say anything until she has a serious boyfriend, here is what I am going to tell her:
Thanks for writing. I've thought a lot about what I would say to you when you finally wrote me. I am glad you finally feel I've given you enough space. I tried really hard to reach out to you because I wanted to give you the opportunity to let me forgive you for the way you acted, but now it is too late and things will never be the same. You were my most cherished relationship and most important friend, that will never be the same. The last time we were together you told me you would always be there for me no matter what happened between us and you lied. How you chose to behave was extremely selfish, telling me you needed time for yourself, even though (insert some private shit here). I needed you and you weren't there. People have told me to wait it out and that things would go back to normal, but I don't think they have a clue as to what our relationship was, only you and I know that and I think we both know it will never go back to normal. Maybe this is what you wanted. I'm not really sure how you are going to react to this and frankly I don't really care. Part of me hopes you will try to regain my trust and keep the promises you made to me, another part of me thinks it's easier just to never see you or talk to you again. It's your call. Like always.
Yeah. Sooner or later it's coming.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Mach 1 Year Anniversary
Tonight is the one year anniversary of Mach improv, the show I do each week with mixed teams. I'm pretty excited for tonight, there are going to be a lot of really great improvisors mixed in to the bunch. For now I am taking it easy at home, I know I am going to be really tired tomorrow, going to bed late and having to wake up around 8. I wanted to take a nap but instead played guitar and sang songs with my cousins, one who is back from college and another who is visiting and also lives in LA. Now they are baking some cookies that I am looking forward to eating before I go to the show.
Work has been going pretty well. Stan is definitely a demanding guy, but I feel I have more of a handle on things without Meredith around, now I know what I have to take care of and I find a way to get it done. He has been around the office a lot this week, but will be less so next week, which means I will be able to breath a slight sigh of relief.
Last night I had a weird dream about Kim, it was extremely, extremely realistic. I remember thinking for a split second, "Why is she being so nice to me? I thought she didn't want to speak to me?" but then decided not to question it. It was so real when I woke up and realized where I was I literally said, "No, no, no!" Then I looked at my phone, 8am. No more time to sleep.
Sometimes I like my dream world better than the real world. That being said, when the real world is good it is better than any dream could be, but sometimes if I'm having a bad day, I fall asleep and all the sudden I am with all my family and friends who I couldn't be with for whatever reason in real life. I rarely have "bad dreams".
This weekend I am really looking forward to doing something, I don't know what yet, but something, go see one of the one million movies I should have seen by now but haven't. Something fun. Everyone is back in town now so I shouldn't have any trouble making plans. Charlie, my friend from England is coming in Feb and we planned a Vegas trip, me, him, Jace, Gilli, Stefan, Kevin, Josh. It's going to be complete insanity. I can't wait.
Yeah, so that's pretty much all I can muster up at the moment. I am already feeling pretty tired. I looked really stoned this morning for some reason, my eyes were totally bloodshot and fucked up. Don't know why. It took me a couple hours to really wake up. Not to mention there is no good coffee by the office. I need to buy a french press so I can make coffee there. Stan only drinks tea. Josh and Sacha both loved coffee. I love coffee. I miss always having really awesome coffee around. Plus it is a great thing to talk about, if your boss loves coffee. That will be one tip I give to anyone trying to make it in the entertainment biz, know your coffee. Though in my case now, I guess that isn't as true.
Man, I am going to be so tired tomorrow morning! All I have to do is get through the day somehow though. Then freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freedom is so sweet.
Work has been going pretty well. Stan is definitely a demanding guy, but I feel I have more of a handle on things without Meredith around, now I know what I have to take care of and I find a way to get it done. He has been around the office a lot this week, but will be less so next week, which means I will be able to breath a slight sigh of relief.
Last night I had a weird dream about Kim, it was extremely, extremely realistic. I remember thinking for a split second, "Why is she being so nice to me? I thought she didn't want to speak to me?" but then decided not to question it. It was so real when I woke up and realized where I was I literally said, "No, no, no!" Then I looked at my phone, 8am. No more time to sleep.
Sometimes I like my dream world better than the real world. That being said, when the real world is good it is better than any dream could be, but sometimes if I'm having a bad day, I fall asleep and all the sudden I am with all my family and friends who I couldn't be with for whatever reason in real life. I rarely have "bad dreams".
This weekend I am really looking forward to doing something, I don't know what yet, but something, go see one of the one million movies I should have seen by now but haven't. Something fun. Everyone is back in town now so I shouldn't have any trouble making plans. Charlie, my friend from England is coming in Feb and we planned a Vegas trip, me, him, Jace, Gilli, Stefan, Kevin, Josh. It's going to be complete insanity. I can't wait.
Yeah, so that's pretty much all I can muster up at the moment. I am already feeling pretty tired. I looked really stoned this morning for some reason, my eyes were totally bloodshot and fucked up. Don't know why. It took me a couple hours to really wake up. Not to mention there is no good coffee by the office. I need to buy a french press so I can make coffee there. Stan only drinks tea. Josh and Sacha both loved coffee. I love coffee. I miss always having really awesome coffee around. Plus it is a great thing to talk about, if your boss loves coffee. That will be one tip I give to anyone trying to make it in the entertainment biz, know your coffee. Though in my case now, I guess that isn't as true.
Man, I am going to be so tired tomorrow morning! All I have to do is get through the day somehow though. Then freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freedom is so sweet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)