I have been feeling really inspired creatively the last few days, or maybe couple of weeks. I've been writing sketches and performing them, doing stand-up, and have had ideas for movies and tv shows. All of that feels really good. Part of me feels a pressure to get something going right now. Luckily, for the first time in a while, in that respect I am firing all all cylinders.
But, I am feeling pretty lonely. Last weekend I didn't hang out with anyone for the first time in a while. I did an open mic, an improv show, and a sketch show, which was great, but I didn't get together with anyone to hang out. I tried with Kristin and Gilli on Friday night, but for whatever reason we missed each others phone calls. On Saturday, I invited people to go to the beach, but no one could go. Sunday, I didn't really try because I met up with Danny at 3:30pm to run the sketch I wrote.
I am struggling socially. I really don't know what to do. I feel I am a good friend to people that are in need of me, but it is rare that anyone is in need of me. I think I am a pretty fun guy to hang out with for the most part, but increasingly, people do not call me or ask me to do things. I have to call them and then a lot of times they don't pick up or I don't hear back from them. I think I am pretty funny and a good writer and performer, yet it is rare that people ask me to write with them or ask me to be in their sketches.
I don't mean to sound bitter or like I'm looking for anyone's pity, I'm really not. I had a friend in high school that would always get really upset when we didn't invite him to things and I always thought it was so lame, like "The fact that you act like that is what is causing us to treat you that way." Easier said when you are on the inside looking out.
I guess when it comes down to it I am looking for a sense of belonging. Unlike most of my friends, I don't live with my friends. I don't have an improv troupe I'm really close with that is practicing and doing shows regularly. I'm not working on some project with a bunch of people. I'm working a lot, but it is all by myself and frankly, I'm just tired of asking people to do stuff. I'm tired of calling people and asking people to do improv teams and work with me when no one ever wants to ask me to work with them. I'm tired of always having to call people to hang out and then never getting phone calls to invite me to things that they are doing, hardly ever.
I know this isn't totally true, people do ask me to do stuff every once in a while, but when I am out here in the Palisades, it feels so far away. I try to get over to the other side of town as much as possible but it's so hard. It is so hard to make new friends. I guess I am just feeling inadequate. I hate the fact that I'm a fucking intern. The place I work is cool, but fuck.
Now I'm going to have to get a serving job, which I am actually kind of happy about. I just want to be as busy as possible. Then maybe seeing people once a week or so wont seem like such a big deal. It just sucks when I see people's pictures going out to dinner and doing this or that and it seems like everything is happening without me.
Part of me is probably just feeling the effects of Stefan being gone last weekend. He always picks up the phone or gets back to me. When he is gone I feel like I've lost my lifeline sometimes.
