I had a therapy appointment today and Dr. Foster pointed out that this appointment marks six months since my hospital visit. I also knew it had been six months because it marks six months since I've talked to Kim. Today was a particularly good visit. I expressed some frustration that I was exhibiting so many side effects of the Seroquel XR, which include fatigue, dryness, which has been in my scalp, face, mouth, constipation, and, at least according to what I read, nasal congestion. I've been sleeping too much, not in a depressed way recently, but just like laying down on a bed and closing my eyes feels like the best feeling ever. She suggested I lower my dose of Seroquel to 200mg from 300mg.
She also brought up the possibility of one day being off medication completely for the first time. It made me smile. When I did, she asked why I was smirking, but I told her that it just made me smile because it made me happy to even think about that. The possibility hadn't even occurred to me.
When this whole experience started I had a really big mistrust of doctors. Part of it has to do with when I had knee surgery and they fucked up or something during the surgery and I came out with a huge scar from what was supposed to be an arthroscopic surgery. I think because my first Crohn's doctor never made clear the possible side effects of Prednisone and I blame him partially for my first manic episode. Then there was my stay at the hospital in Salinas during my first manic episode where the nurses messed around with me while I was manic, walking by and making faces and pretending to open the door to let me out of the room only to slam it shut.
Then there was me getting denied health coverage for my pre-existing condition. This bred a whole new kind of mistrust, especially since Crohn's Disease has barely ever hindered me since my diagnosis, it felt like a Scarlet letter thrust upon me or a Star of David to distinguish me from the general population and mark me as tainted. The day I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease should have been a good day. It meant that they would be able to treat my disease so much more specifically, instead I knew I had received a label that would haunt me for years to come.
Finding UCLA really was serendipitous. The main reason I ended up there was because I heard a radio ad from them for stroke victims who also have lower back degeneration and it made me think of my grandpa, who has suffered from both of those ailments, while I was listening to K-Earth 101 on my way back from my attempt to drive to El Salvador. I didn't trust Cedar Sinai because they had diagnosed me with Crohn's Disease and seemed very opportunistic when it came to operating on me, which I was very hesitant about.
When I sat in the emergency room of UCLA with Jace and waited as patiently as I could to be admitted. There were a lot of times I felt like getting up and running away, but I knew I trusted Jace not to lead me the wrong way and he told me not to leave. As we were waiting, people, I assume from emergency that couldn't be admitted into the hospital for financial reasons, were brought into the room next to me, where they would wake up, stand up, take off their scrubs, put on their clothes, and wander out of the hospital.
From the beginning I could feel it was different at UCLA. Everyone was very attentive and kind. We spoke to this really nice security guard who was also an aspiring pastor, he kept telling me that something really good was going to happen to me that day.
Over the past six months it has been hard some times to see what happened that day as a good thing. There have been a lot of times that I have felt like I am going to be stuck, some clinical anomaly, destine to be taking different medications and going in and out of severe mania and depression forever, but now I've finally caught a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel and I was only able to get there by completely giving in and trusting my doctor for the first time. Every other doctor I've been to I've stopped taking my medication before my prescription was up, usually without telling them.
I remember the first time I saw my therapist/psychiatrist Dr. Foster when I was in psych at UCLA and she was standing in on a weekend. I went to talk to her and I told her I had learned that I have to listen to my doctor and that I have to listen to them and do what they say. She was completely unemotional and cold and it seemed, thought I was a complete liar. Maybe not, but that was what I gleaned from it. I didn't realize so much then or before that the doctor winning your trust was only part of it, you also have to win the doctor's trust as well and while I implicitly trusted everyone at UCLA from the beginning, it took time for them to begin to trust me.
I know I'm not perfect, I am still tempted by things that are destructive, we talked today about caffeine and how it probably has side effects we don't even know about yet. Yes, I drink a lot of coffee, fucking A, but what I'm doing now is not nearly as self-destructive as the path that I was on, which was basically do whatever I want to do whenever I want and never ask for help, even when I knew I needed it. I haven't taken my medication every day, but it has been pretty damn close, I think I've missed less than six times, which would be once a month, which is 1 of 30, I think that's pretty good.
When I first started seeing Dr. Foster and she switched my medication to Geodon and I started having panic attacks and we went on the search for another medication I told her I thought I could do with just a sleep aide and a psychiatrist to help me out. She didn't believe me at the time and at the time, she was right. I think the way things have gone have worked out for the best, but it makes me so happy to see that as a goal that is achievable.
This last manic episode was so different than all the rest. Firstly, leading up to the drive to El Salvador I really wanted help, but I didn't know what to do because I didn't have health insurance. I remember the last night before I left searching around the drawers of my aunt and uncle's guest room for some sort of sleep medication. I couldn't find any and the nightmare continued, as I got more and more paranoid throughout the night, thinking I was being watched at every turn. But something felt different this time. I wasn't sporadic, running around naked, driving recklessly, it was all very careful and calm. When I got to Mexico and figured out that my plans of going to El Salvador weren't achievable, I simply turned around and came back, totally prepared to deal with the consequences.
In my previous episodes, I always thought I was going to go meet up with my friends, the first time in big apartments in New York, which I never got to and the second at Mike Garner's parents house in Mountain House, which of course led me to getting beat up. This time, when I came home I was totally surprised when all of my friends were at my house, together. It felt like closure. I had thought El Salvador was my savior but Los Angeles was where my angels were. Damn, pretty corny for me, but my friends really are some of the kindest most gentle people and I really appreciate them.
I have been feeling really good lately, like myself, wanting to be social, even though I'm tired a lot I've still been able to do a good amount of exercising. I've been meeting girls, been having fun and doing a sufficient job at work. My boss is going to be gone a lot over the coming months, it will give me time to work on a project of my own and I am excited about that.
Anyway, some of this is well worn territory, but since six months is kind of a milestone, I thought it was high time to revisit it.
I'm sure I have some challenges and road blocks ahead, but today is one day to not think about that and just be proud of myself for where I've made it in the last half a year. That being said I'm going to go to bed. Maybe if I go to sleep early enough I will actually get up on time to eat some breakfast. Probably not though. One day at a time.
Oh and more good news: I paid off my car today. My piece of shit Ford Focus is now 100% mine. Pink slip and all. Well, I have to go pick up the pink slip, but close enough. Time to drive that baby into the ground. Next up: new computer with Final Cut.
Ok, goodnight.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
What Am I Feeling?
When I first started writing this blog it was very easy for me. Emotion was flowing out of me, relatively and the words and thoughts seemed to be pouring out. Now, not so much, though I guess I am still feeling a lot of things, I don't feel like I have as much to write about.
Charlie's visit totally brought me back to what things were like when he was here last, which was almost half a decade ago. He is exactly the same and having him here completely reminded me why I like all of my friends so much, not that I had forgot. I've had plenty of opportunities to be appreciative of my friends, especially after my manic episode, but this was more of a time to really enjoy each other. Things are always crazy when he is here, by crazy I mean a lot more drinking and a lot less sleeping than usual, but I haven't felt happier since last time he was here.
Last time he was here culminated in the golden summer of 2007, he actually visited once after that in 2008, I believe. Summer of 2007 was a dream. I spent almost every day with my friends at the beach. It was a once in a lifetime experience.
This week marks six months since my manic episode. I was slow coming out of it this time, in comparison to the others, where I was out for a day, then woke up and felt relatively back to myself. This one was much more slow burning. It never was as intense and out of control as my last episodes, it also lasted for a much longer period of time.
A friend of mine recently admitted herself to a hospital for depression and quit her job as soon as she got out. Reminded me a lot of myself. Right now she is going through the hardest part, where you realize these decisions you thought were good at the time have consequences.
I saw Charlie off to the airport, we had a last meal together over in Larchmont Village. I cried a little bit when he left. When he is here, we are all so focused on the group and having fun together. He really is such a fascinating person, the only person I know who makes a living off of doing improv comedy, there are not many in the world.
So, now I am still coming down from that amazing time we all had together. I don't really know how to feel or what I am feeling, I guess right now I am feeling a sort of numbness. I got a really good sleep last night and felt very awake and on top of things today. I was on the ball at work and came home and exercised.
I'd kind of like to see Natasha again, girl I met in Las Vegas. It's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen, her personality still annoys me a bit, like it did in college, but I have no doubt she is a sweet and kind person.
On Sunday night, Charlie's last night here, Stefan rolled a joint for everyone to smoke. Gilli told me I shouldn't smoke it and after some pouting I listened to her. I know she is right, but in this specific situation I was really tempted. I knew it was the only time that Charlie and Stefan and Kevin and her would all be able to share that experience. She told me if I didn't smoke she would give up drinking martinis because it was the "same thing".
I don't think she realizes that it isn't the same thing at all, it would be like her giving up drinking all together. Part of me feels like once every couple months isn't that bad, considering I used to smoke almost every day, if not multiple times a day and had no meds or psychiatrist to help with my condition. But certainly, I understand why some people in my life would prefer it not happen at all. She also told me she would only smoke with me once I got the "okay" from somebody, as if a doctor would ever tell me that. I am honest with my psychiatrist about the times that I've smoked, but I would hardly say she was okay with it.
I think there is more to be said about pot and how it related to my mental instability. I know there is no way to really know. I was smoking less and less as the experience got more intense because it made me feel more paranoid that I already did. When I drove to Mexico, I hadn't smoked in a few days or a week or so, can't really remember. The doctors at the hospital were very surprised when I passed my drug test, as was I. Is it possible that smoking for so long and then quitting contributed to what happened? Maybe.
Why am I still allowed to drink alcohol? I was drinking alcohol each time I had a manic episode as well. I know this probably means that I really shouldn't be drinking at all either. Yet no one has ever brought this up or told me I need to stop drinking.
A lot of my friends do hard drugs, mostly cocaine, ecstasy, and psychedelics, yet no one ever tells them to cool it or to stop. I guess part of it is none of them have ever let their drug use affect any of their friend's lives. When Charlie was here, one thing he said about Vegas was that everyone did what they wanted and there was no pressure to do anything and there was no pressure to not do anything. That is the attitude that I miss.
I understand why things aren't that way any more. I have lost my privilege of doing whatever I want because of the choices I've made. What happened to me really scared a lot of people and I feel bad for putting people through that. More than anything I want to make sure that I don't put anyone through that again.
Lately creative writing has been difficult for me. In fact, I really haven't done any creative writing since I got out of the hospital. I wrote thirty or so pages of memoirs, but I must admit, I was disappointed by what I wrote. Nothing in comparison to the work I was turning out before. As I've said before, it slowed down around May or June of last year, I guess when Kate and I broke up. I haven't done much since. I want to, but all I have are these very vague ideas floating around in my head. I am waiting for the to coalesce, but nothing has yet. Well, that isn't exactly true. I have one idea that is pretty specific and I think would make a good idea for a screenplay, but what I really want to do is write something that I could feasibly shoot and that just hasn't happened yet for me.
I also feel like I should be doing standup, but it is quite the same thing. I haven't really been able to think in jokes. I've written some stuff I could see doing in a set, but nothing that I would consider jokes. I listen to Marc Maron all the time and he says he just goes up and basically tells stories and makes his stuff up on the spot, I wonder if this is the way for me to do it, to sort of fall in to the comedy. It works for me when I'm doing improv and I still totally feel like I can do improv. Creating on the spot has never been a problem for me. When I have an assignment, I always do well, like this blog, this started out as an assignment. I think what I need to do is take some screenwriting class or something. I just wish I had the drive, ambition, mainly discipline. I literally couldn't even think of that word. I had to type in "what you learn in the army" in google to figure it out. What the fuck? Yeah. Discipline. I don't have any of it. I have no routine. My morning is me waking up as late as possible, rushing out the door and getting to work, where I just let things affect me all day. The thing closest to a routine is me making coffee.
I have been exercising a bit the last few weeks. I really need to do more to head off this weight gain. I was able to go to the gym down at the club my aunt and uncle belong to and do the elliptical. I liked this a lot better than running because my shins start to hurt after I run anything close to a mile. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to sneak in there, since it supposed to be only for immediate family.
I need to make some plans for this weekend, actually maybe not. I have two shows this weekend. One on Friday with Sticky Nights at a new show at the "Little Modern Theater", which I think is a new theater, because I've never heard of it before and then one with my new team, Hey, Shawty on Saturday night, so at least I will be with people early in the night and maybe we can do something after.
Tomorrow night is Thursday and I will have Mach improv, meaning I won't get to sleep until late, so I should probably get to bed. I'm going to go by the mailbox in the morning and see if I have my health insurance card yet. They have really been slacking. My coverage started in November and still no card. Come on PCIP! Get it together.
Well. This thing has kind of been all over the place. Kind of how I am feeling right now. Three improv shows in the next three days. I need to just chill and enjoy those shows and enjoy hanging out with people after each. All I want to do is not have to work at my job and get to do comedy all day. It is such a hard thing to accomplish and a big part of it is getting my writing mojo back. I know I could write with people, but I need to have a lot of ideas to bring to the table. It is rare right now that I think of an idea during the day. Maybe if I start thinking more about it, they will start to come. Maybe not. Maybe I just need to start writing one of my vague ideas and it will get more specific. Just feels weird for me. I used to get ideas that felt so extremely specific and fleshed out, even if they weren't.
Perception is an extremely important thing. How you perceive the world totally affects how the world interacts with you. When you feel like you own the world, it is that much easier to own it, when you feel like you can't do anything, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The times I've felt super in control are the times when I am in the early throes of a manic episode. I'm sure there are some people out there that feel that way on a regular basis, you know, the kind of people that only need a couple hours of sleep at night and seem to have everything so together and have such self-discipline at going after what they want.
I love to sleep. I love to eat. I love to sit around and watch the NBA on TV. I love to go on the computer and fuck around for hours. I let shit pile up in my room. I let my car get dirty on the inside and out. I let the papers in my office build up. Sometimes I don't shower. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth (always brush at least once a day though, not a total slob). I love doing those things. Those things make life worth living, well some of them. Some of them are just part of who I am and I like who I am. If I really had discipline, would I be more miserable with my shitty routine and life that was almost the same? Or would I be super successful and happy because I would be more accomplished? I don't know. I can't be too hard on myself. I work ten hour days. I work hard almost every day. My life is good and I have been happy recently. Really truly happy. Now that I have that, I want to take things to the next level, not to the next level of happiness, but to set myself up so I can truly feel accomplished. I have high expectations for myself, based on what I thought I was going to do with my life, what others thought I would do with my life, and what my friends are doing with their lives. I'm not quite where I want to be and the steps for how to get there aren't exactly clear. There are a lot of different routes, right now I feel like I am stretching, reaching, flailing around trying to grasp whatever is out there. What I should do is trust myself and trust what has worked for me in the past. Some people get by on discipline and focus. I have always sat back and assumed that the answers would come to me. I haven't done that lately. I need to sit back and be ready to attack when the time is right.
That's what I'm going to do. So I guess I do have a lot to write about after all.
Charlie's visit totally brought me back to what things were like when he was here last, which was almost half a decade ago. He is exactly the same and having him here completely reminded me why I like all of my friends so much, not that I had forgot. I've had plenty of opportunities to be appreciative of my friends, especially after my manic episode, but this was more of a time to really enjoy each other. Things are always crazy when he is here, by crazy I mean a lot more drinking and a lot less sleeping than usual, but I haven't felt happier since last time he was here.
Last time he was here culminated in the golden summer of 2007, he actually visited once after that in 2008, I believe. Summer of 2007 was a dream. I spent almost every day with my friends at the beach. It was a once in a lifetime experience.
This week marks six months since my manic episode. I was slow coming out of it this time, in comparison to the others, where I was out for a day, then woke up and felt relatively back to myself. This one was much more slow burning. It never was as intense and out of control as my last episodes, it also lasted for a much longer period of time.
A friend of mine recently admitted herself to a hospital for depression and quit her job as soon as she got out. Reminded me a lot of myself. Right now she is going through the hardest part, where you realize these decisions you thought were good at the time have consequences.
I saw Charlie off to the airport, we had a last meal together over in Larchmont Village. I cried a little bit when he left. When he is here, we are all so focused on the group and having fun together. He really is such a fascinating person, the only person I know who makes a living off of doing improv comedy, there are not many in the world.
So, now I am still coming down from that amazing time we all had together. I don't really know how to feel or what I am feeling, I guess right now I am feeling a sort of numbness. I got a really good sleep last night and felt very awake and on top of things today. I was on the ball at work and came home and exercised.
I'd kind of like to see Natasha again, girl I met in Las Vegas. It's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen, her personality still annoys me a bit, like it did in college, but I have no doubt she is a sweet and kind person.
On Sunday night, Charlie's last night here, Stefan rolled a joint for everyone to smoke. Gilli told me I shouldn't smoke it and after some pouting I listened to her. I know she is right, but in this specific situation I was really tempted. I knew it was the only time that Charlie and Stefan and Kevin and her would all be able to share that experience. She told me if I didn't smoke she would give up drinking martinis because it was the "same thing".
I don't think she realizes that it isn't the same thing at all, it would be like her giving up drinking all together. Part of me feels like once every couple months isn't that bad, considering I used to smoke almost every day, if not multiple times a day and had no meds or psychiatrist to help with my condition. But certainly, I understand why some people in my life would prefer it not happen at all. She also told me she would only smoke with me once I got the "okay" from somebody, as if a doctor would ever tell me that. I am honest with my psychiatrist about the times that I've smoked, but I would hardly say she was okay with it.
I think there is more to be said about pot and how it related to my mental instability. I know there is no way to really know. I was smoking less and less as the experience got more intense because it made me feel more paranoid that I already did. When I drove to Mexico, I hadn't smoked in a few days or a week or so, can't really remember. The doctors at the hospital were very surprised when I passed my drug test, as was I. Is it possible that smoking for so long and then quitting contributed to what happened? Maybe.
Why am I still allowed to drink alcohol? I was drinking alcohol each time I had a manic episode as well. I know this probably means that I really shouldn't be drinking at all either. Yet no one has ever brought this up or told me I need to stop drinking.
A lot of my friends do hard drugs, mostly cocaine, ecstasy, and psychedelics, yet no one ever tells them to cool it or to stop. I guess part of it is none of them have ever let their drug use affect any of their friend's lives. When Charlie was here, one thing he said about Vegas was that everyone did what they wanted and there was no pressure to do anything and there was no pressure to not do anything. That is the attitude that I miss.
I understand why things aren't that way any more. I have lost my privilege of doing whatever I want because of the choices I've made. What happened to me really scared a lot of people and I feel bad for putting people through that. More than anything I want to make sure that I don't put anyone through that again.
Lately creative writing has been difficult for me. In fact, I really haven't done any creative writing since I got out of the hospital. I wrote thirty or so pages of memoirs, but I must admit, I was disappointed by what I wrote. Nothing in comparison to the work I was turning out before. As I've said before, it slowed down around May or June of last year, I guess when Kate and I broke up. I haven't done much since. I want to, but all I have are these very vague ideas floating around in my head. I am waiting for the to coalesce, but nothing has yet. Well, that isn't exactly true. I have one idea that is pretty specific and I think would make a good idea for a screenplay, but what I really want to do is write something that I could feasibly shoot and that just hasn't happened yet for me.
I also feel like I should be doing standup, but it is quite the same thing. I haven't really been able to think in jokes. I've written some stuff I could see doing in a set, but nothing that I would consider jokes. I listen to Marc Maron all the time and he says he just goes up and basically tells stories and makes his stuff up on the spot, I wonder if this is the way for me to do it, to sort of fall in to the comedy. It works for me when I'm doing improv and I still totally feel like I can do improv. Creating on the spot has never been a problem for me. When I have an assignment, I always do well, like this blog, this started out as an assignment. I think what I need to do is take some screenwriting class or something. I just wish I had the drive, ambition, mainly discipline. I literally couldn't even think of that word. I had to type in "what you learn in the army" in google to figure it out. What the fuck? Yeah. Discipline. I don't have any of it. I have no routine. My morning is me waking up as late as possible, rushing out the door and getting to work, where I just let things affect me all day. The thing closest to a routine is me making coffee.
I have been exercising a bit the last few weeks. I really need to do more to head off this weight gain. I was able to go to the gym down at the club my aunt and uncle belong to and do the elliptical. I liked this a lot better than running because my shins start to hurt after I run anything close to a mile. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to sneak in there, since it supposed to be only for immediate family.
I need to make some plans for this weekend, actually maybe not. I have two shows this weekend. One on Friday with Sticky Nights at a new show at the "Little Modern Theater", which I think is a new theater, because I've never heard of it before and then one with my new team, Hey, Shawty on Saturday night, so at least I will be with people early in the night and maybe we can do something after.
Tomorrow night is Thursday and I will have Mach improv, meaning I won't get to sleep until late, so I should probably get to bed. I'm going to go by the mailbox in the morning and see if I have my health insurance card yet. They have really been slacking. My coverage started in November and still no card. Come on PCIP! Get it together.
Well. This thing has kind of been all over the place. Kind of how I am feeling right now. Three improv shows in the next three days. I need to just chill and enjoy those shows and enjoy hanging out with people after each. All I want to do is not have to work at my job and get to do comedy all day. It is such a hard thing to accomplish and a big part of it is getting my writing mojo back. I know I could write with people, but I need to have a lot of ideas to bring to the table. It is rare right now that I think of an idea during the day. Maybe if I start thinking more about it, they will start to come. Maybe not. Maybe I just need to start writing one of my vague ideas and it will get more specific. Just feels weird for me. I used to get ideas that felt so extremely specific and fleshed out, even if they weren't.
Perception is an extremely important thing. How you perceive the world totally affects how the world interacts with you. When you feel like you own the world, it is that much easier to own it, when you feel like you can't do anything, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The times I've felt super in control are the times when I am in the early throes of a manic episode. I'm sure there are some people out there that feel that way on a regular basis, you know, the kind of people that only need a couple hours of sleep at night and seem to have everything so together and have such self-discipline at going after what they want.
I love to sleep. I love to eat. I love to sit around and watch the NBA on TV. I love to go on the computer and fuck around for hours. I let shit pile up in my room. I let my car get dirty on the inside and out. I let the papers in my office build up. Sometimes I don't shower. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth (always brush at least once a day though, not a total slob). I love doing those things. Those things make life worth living, well some of them. Some of them are just part of who I am and I like who I am. If I really had discipline, would I be more miserable with my shitty routine and life that was almost the same? Or would I be super successful and happy because I would be more accomplished? I don't know. I can't be too hard on myself. I work ten hour days. I work hard almost every day. My life is good and I have been happy recently. Really truly happy. Now that I have that, I want to take things to the next level, not to the next level of happiness, but to set myself up so I can truly feel accomplished. I have high expectations for myself, based on what I thought I was going to do with my life, what others thought I would do with my life, and what my friends are doing with their lives. I'm not quite where I want to be and the steps for how to get there aren't exactly clear. There are a lot of different routes, right now I feel like I am stretching, reaching, flailing around trying to grasp whatever is out there. What I should do is trust myself and trust what has worked for me in the past. Some people get by on discipline and focus. I have always sat back and assumed that the answers would come to me. I haven't done that lately. I need to sit back and be ready to attack when the time is right.
That's what I'm going to do. So I guess I do have a lot to write about after all.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Vegas Baby, Vegas
So on Friday I went to Las Vegas. It was one of the best weekends of my entire life. Well, I guess every weekend used to be pretty similar in Santa Barbara, but now I appreciate being able to spend a weekend with my friends a lot more than I did then.
It started with kind of a crazy night on Thurs. I was planning on getting some good sleep Thurs night in preparation, but it didn't turn out that way. I was supposed to go over to Josh's, my old boss, and accidentally locked myself out of the office when I was rushing out. There was no way for me to get back in, so I asked Stefan for a ride. I was going to Kristin's birthday party out in Silverlake. Stefan has been working at Docstoc, where I used to work, in Santa Monica, so I figured he could give me a ride out to the other side of town and give me a ride back the next morning.
I walked all the way from my office to 4th and Santa Monica, because Stefan was still working and I had nothing better to do. We went out to Kristin's birthday party at Harvard and Stone and it was pretty fun. I got to hang out with Charlie, who I hadn't need in four or five years. Things picked up right where they left off. I also saw Sean, who is busy with paperwork with his finace Laura. He suggested we make pickup things with "Bros", which I was happy to hear. I'd love to do something more with "Bros".
So, then Charlie, Stefan, and I went back to Stefan and Gilli's. Stefan was sleeping on the couch and I was asleep on a mattress on the floor. In the middle of the night someone. I won't say who, stumbled out of their room, fell over on my mattress and puked all over my sleepingbag and mattress. Luckily I got up before it landed on me. We had to take the mattress outside and I went into Stefan's room, by now it was after three and I had to get up at 8:30. Then Stefan was snoring. I fell asleep for maybe two solid hours that night.
The next morning I got back into my office, I called the manager and had them open the doors. I grabbed my keys and went back to my aunt and uncles and packed everything for Vegas. Then I went to work. I was pretty off my game, but luckily it wasn't a busy day. My boss left early. I hung out in the office, super excited, waiting for Kevin. He came and picked me up around 7:30 with his girlfriend Nadia. We rolled over to Silverlake where Josh picked us up and we were on our way.
Once we got onto the 15 and were out in the boonies, Kevin lit up a spliff and we all smoked. This was the first time I'd smoked since I was with my brother in Danville. It was really fun. After, we somehow ended up at In'N'Out burger, even though we had all just eaten. We were all laughing and making jokes about how it was "guy's weekend" and Nadia made the joke that she was a guy for the weekend.
From miles and miles away, we could see the lights shining from Vegas. When we got there, the excitement was palpable. We all cracked open beers and got to drinking while we waited for Jace, Stefan, and Kristin to arrive in the last car. They got there and we popped champagne, amazed that we actually planned a trip and all showed up. This is the first time we've ever really planned a trip and executed it, except when Jace and Kristin and I went camping, but this was a lot more people.
It was me, Kevin, Nadia, Josh, Kristin, Stefan, Jace, Charlie, Gilli, and Natasha, all together in one hotel room. We grabbed beers for the road and hit the casino. I won a quick $20 on roulette and we moved on, hitting up the aria, then taking the tram from there to the Bellagio, then we walked to the crappier casinos and on the way got some giant slushy drinks. We hit another roulette table and some people went home.
I shouldn't really say where everyone went and what everyone did. You know, what happens in Vegas.
Next morning, when I woke up Jace and Charlie were just getting back. They both had stupid tourist hats on, Jace's said, "What Happens in Vegas Stays on Facebook". He also bought a laser pointer. Classic.
I went to the MGM buffet with Kevin and Nadia and ate four plates of food and had five glasses of champagne. Then they closed the buffet. Needless to say I was pretty disappointed. Sure, I was too full to eat more, but that being said, I wasn't done eating or drinking champagne yet! The three of us went to Walgreen's to stock up on alcohol for the night.
We got back and hung in the hotel for a bit and the Charlie and Jace and I went out to gamble for a bit. We played roulette. I had been saying the whole weekend I was only going to play black. I was betting frugally and was sitting out a lot of spins. Black hit four times in a row. I decided to bet red. Big mistake. Black hit 22 of 25 times. Jace won a couple hundred dollars just playing black. Charlie hit 17 three times in 10 spins and ended up up over $700. I lost $100, but had won $40 or so the night before, so I left Vegas down $60. We went to Coyote Ugly in the New York New York and got drinks.
Then, we went back to the hotel room. There, we played 21, a drinking game that all of us made special rules for in college. Each round you start by saying Bula Maleya, come and drink with me, in Fijian. Then you count to 21, once you reach that number you make a rule for one of the numbers, so instead of 10, you do this or that. The best part about the game is the cup of knives, usually a blender, where people pour their drinks when the game gets exciting, making a gross concoction. When someone messes up bad, people chant "LVP" as in least valuable player, when it is determined someone is LVP, they have to drink the cup of knives.
We went out to the club in the MGM called Tabu, it was alright. I danced for a bit and Natasha got me some drinks, which she got for free because she was a girl. Then we left Tabu. After that, stuff happened.
The next day on the ride home, no one talked the entire way. I wanted to stay up with Josh, but I couldn't because we weren't talking and the radio wasn't on. There was quite a juxtaposition between the ride there and the ride home.
All in all I slept 14 hours in 3 days. I slept the whole car ride home. I went to bed at 8 that night. I am still pretty tired, but it was all worth it. It was so fun to be with my friends all weekend long. It was a great reminder of why I moved down to LA. 6 of the 9 people that were there are people that know about this blog, and I only have told my closest friends about this blog, so I was in Vegas with a lot of my closest friends. Cherished every minute.
Now I am back. I went to the doctor on Monday and was in a much better mood than the last time I was there. She said I had gained another pound, which was strange because I thought I'd lost weight. Probably some muscle. Next time I think I will have lost weight. I've been eating healthier and working out most days. She suggested I try muscle confusion by switching things up in my workout. Instead of jogging yesterday I did sprints and walked, it really wore me out. I also climbed the stairs by twos instead of ones. My aunt said today she thought I could use the gym down at the club. I think I will.
Work this week has been pretty easy. Hasn't been a ton to do around the office. Just lots of paperwork and travel planning.
Anyway, I am feeling really good and even though I've been tired this week, I am feeling happier in general than I had been recently. I hope I can keep the good times rollin.
It started with kind of a crazy night on Thurs. I was planning on getting some good sleep Thurs night in preparation, but it didn't turn out that way. I was supposed to go over to Josh's, my old boss, and accidentally locked myself out of the office when I was rushing out. There was no way for me to get back in, so I asked Stefan for a ride. I was going to Kristin's birthday party out in Silverlake. Stefan has been working at Docstoc, where I used to work, in Santa Monica, so I figured he could give me a ride out to the other side of town and give me a ride back the next morning.
I walked all the way from my office to 4th and Santa Monica, because Stefan was still working and I had nothing better to do. We went out to Kristin's birthday party at Harvard and Stone and it was pretty fun. I got to hang out with Charlie, who I hadn't need in four or five years. Things picked up right where they left off. I also saw Sean, who is busy with paperwork with his finace Laura. He suggested we make pickup things with "Bros", which I was happy to hear. I'd love to do something more with "Bros".
So, then Charlie, Stefan, and I went back to Stefan and Gilli's. Stefan was sleeping on the couch and I was asleep on a mattress on the floor. In the middle of the night someone. I won't say who, stumbled out of their room, fell over on my mattress and puked all over my sleepingbag and mattress. Luckily I got up before it landed on me. We had to take the mattress outside and I went into Stefan's room, by now it was after three and I had to get up at 8:30. Then Stefan was snoring. I fell asleep for maybe two solid hours that night.
The next morning I got back into my office, I called the manager and had them open the doors. I grabbed my keys and went back to my aunt and uncles and packed everything for Vegas. Then I went to work. I was pretty off my game, but luckily it wasn't a busy day. My boss left early. I hung out in the office, super excited, waiting for Kevin. He came and picked me up around 7:30 with his girlfriend Nadia. We rolled over to Silverlake where Josh picked us up and we were on our way.
Once we got onto the 15 and were out in the boonies, Kevin lit up a spliff and we all smoked. This was the first time I'd smoked since I was with my brother in Danville. It was really fun. After, we somehow ended up at In'N'Out burger, even though we had all just eaten. We were all laughing and making jokes about how it was "guy's weekend" and Nadia made the joke that she was a guy for the weekend.
From miles and miles away, we could see the lights shining from Vegas. When we got there, the excitement was palpable. We all cracked open beers and got to drinking while we waited for Jace, Stefan, and Kristin to arrive in the last car. They got there and we popped champagne, amazed that we actually planned a trip and all showed up. This is the first time we've ever really planned a trip and executed it, except when Jace and Kristin and I went camping, but this was a lot more people.
It was me, Kevin, Nadia, Josh, Kristin, Stefan, Jace, Charlie, Gilli, and Natasha, all together in one hotel room. We grabbed beers for the road and hit the casino. I won a quick $20 on roulette and we moved on, hitting up the aria, then taking the tram from there to the Bellagio, then we walked to the crappier casinos and on the way got some giant slushy drinks. We hit another roulette table and some people went home.
I shouldn't really say where everyone went and what everyone did. You know, what happens in Vegas.
Next morning, when I woke up Jace and Charlie were just getting back. They both had stupid tourist hats on, Jace's said, "What Happens in Vegas Stays on Facebook". He also bought a laser pointer. Classic.
I went to the MGM buffet with Kevin and Nadia and ate four plates of food and had five glasses of champagne. Then they closed the buffet. Needless to say I was pretty disappointed. Sure, I was too full to eat more, but that being said, I wasn't done eating or drinking champagne yet! The three of us went to Walgreen's to stock up on alcohol for the night.
We got back and hung in the hotel for a bit and the Charlie and Jace and I went out to gamble for a bit. We played roulette. I had been saying the whole weekend I was only going to play black. I was betting frugally and was sitting out a lot of spins. Black hit four times in a row. I decided to bet red. Big mistake. Black hit 22 of 25 times. Jace won a couple hundred dollars just playing black. Charlie hit 17 three times in 10 spins and ended up up over $700. I lost $100, but had won $40 or so the night before, so I left Vegas down $60. We went to Coyote Ugly in the New York New York and got drinks.
Then, we went back to the hotel room. There, we played 21, a drinking game that all of us made special rules for in college. Each round you start by saying Bula Maleya, come and drink with me, in Fijian. Then you count to 21, once you reach that number you make a rule for one of the numbers, so instead of 10, you do this or that. The best part about the game is the cup of knives, usually a blender, where people pour their drinks when the game gets exciting, making a gross concoction. When someone messes up bad, people chant "LVP" as in least valuable player, when it is determined someone is LVP, they have to drink the cup of knives.
We went out to the club in the MGM called Tabu, it was alright. I danced for a bit and Natasha got me some drinks, which she got for free because she was a girl. Then we left Tabu. After that, stuff happened.
The next day on the ride home, no one talked the entire way. I wanted to stay up with Josh, but I couldn't because we weren't talking and the radio wasn't on. There was quite a juxtaposition between the ride there and the ride home.
All in all I slept 14 hours in 3 days. I slept the whole car ride home. I went to bed at 8 that night. I am still pretty tired, but it was all worth it. It was so fun to be with my friends all weekend long. It was a great reminder of why I moved down to LA. 6 of the 9 people that were there are people that know about this blog, and I only have told my closest friends about this blog, so I was in Vegas with a lot of my closest friends. Cherished every minute.
Now I am back. I went to the doctor on Monday and was in a much better mood than the last time I was there. She said I had gained another pound, which was strange because I thought I'd lost weight. Probably some muscle. Next time I think I will have lost weight. I've been eating healthier and working out most days. She suggested I try muscle confusion by switching things up in my workout. Instead of jogging yesterday I did sprints and walked, it really wore me out. I also climbed the stairs by twos instead of ones. My aunt said today she thought I could use the gym down at the club. I think I will.
Work this week has been pretty easy. Hasn't been a ton to do around the office. Just lots of paperwork and travel planning.
Anyway, I am feeling really good and even though I've been tired this week, I am feeling happier in general than I had been recently. I hope I can keep the good times rollin.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
UCSB Memes
UCSB Memes is totally reminding me why I liked the internet in the first place, there are a lot of really funny ones. Here are the one's I've made so far...
SBCC is the city college a lot of people that live in IV go to, a lot of them are douches.
And a few more, just for good measure.
This is referring to a place called Old Town Tavern where people used to go do karaoke on Wednesday night and the Mercury Lounge, a dark dive where people drink Pasbt or Stella.
67 block was the furthest block away from campus, except 68, don't even talk about 68.
Once a whale washed up on shore and people tried to steal it's teeth.
Always thought it was funny that a lot of comm majors were ditzy blondes that didn't communicate that well.
Here are some funny ones other people made:
This one is referring to the song "How you party is how we pre-party cuz you ain't from IV."
And a few more, just for good measure.
I totally took that.
Flotopia is where everyone takes rafts and floats out in the ocean and drinks. It is spontaneous and is planned only like a week or so before it happens.
On Sundays the clock tower at UCSB rings all day long because a music class uses it.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Greenberg
I'm watching Greenberg right now and seeing some parallels to my life.
#1. Lots of the locations are places I go or have been, the vet they go to is where I used to take Jimmy and Isobelle when I worked for Josh. He goes to see this girl sing at Silverlake Lounge, a bar by my old house.
#2. One of the main characters is a personal assistant.
#3. Greenberg has some mental issues. He used to be a musician but now just wants to do absolutely nothing or is trying to do nothing.
Greenberg isn't a very likable person. He is really self-absorbed and is kind of a schemer. I don't think he ever really does anything to be nice or to benefit others, he does stuff only for himself. He is outright mean to people, sometimes hiding his true feelings behind a cold demeanor.
I heard a lot of comparisons of Young Adult to Greenberg and I see the similarities. Both have extremely flawed and unlikeable protagonists. As the movie isn't over, I can't really say if Greenberg changes or not by the end.
This is true of Greenberg and Kristin Wig in Bridesmaids too, they have characters that make the mistake of pushing people away. Is this a normal thing that people too in general? I don't feel like I even have the opportunity to push someone away that wants to love me, but I certainly don't think I would, if I felt like they were the right person, which both of them seem to. That is one thing I can say I haven't done, push away the people I love.
Lately, I've been feeling inspired a lot by everything I have been watching and I think that is a good thing. Now I only wish I could be inspired a little more by real life and that is when everything will really start coming together and maybe I can finally start writing something. Right now I feel kind of like Greenberg, a musician who doesn't make music.
This weekend I am going to Vegas and am going to be spending a lot of time with my friends. Just the prospect of it makes me happy and excited, to know I am going to be around people and having fun all weekend long. I am going to try to be (relatively) good while I am there so I can look back on the weekend fondly rather than something to regret.
#1. Lots of the locations are places I go or have been, the vet they go to is where I used to take Jimmy and Isobelle when I worked for Josh. He goes to see this girl sing at Silverlake Lounge, a bar by my old house.
#2. One of the main characters is a personal assistant.
#3. Greenberg has some mental issues. He used to be a musician but now just wants to do absolutely nothing or is trying to do nothing.
Greenberg isn't a very likable person. He is really self-absorbed and is kind of a schemer. I don't think he ever really does anything to be nice or to benefit others, he does stuff only for himself. He is outright mean to people, sometimes hiding his true feelings behind a cold demeanor.
I heard a lot of comparisons of Young Adult to Greenberg and I see the similarities. Both have extremely flawed and unlikeable protagonists. As the movie isn't over, I can't really say if Greenberg changes or not by the end.
This is true of Greenberg and Kristin Wig in Bridesmaids too, they have characters that make the mistake of pushing people away. Is this a normal thing that people too in general? I don't feel like I even have the opportunity to push someone away that wants to love me, but I certainly don't think I would, if I felt like they were the right person, which both of them seem to. That is one thing I can say I haven't done, push away the people I love.
Lately, I've been feeling inspired a lot by everything I have been watching and I think that is a good thing. Now I only wish I could be inspired a little more by real life and that is when everything will really start coming together and maybe I can finally start writing something. Right now I feel kind of like Greenberg, a musician who doesn't make music.
This weekend I am going to Vegas and am going to be spending a lot of time with my friends. Just the prospect of it makes me happy and excited, to know I am going to be around people and having fun all weekend long. I am going to try to be (relatively) good while I am there so I can look back on the weekend fondly rather than something to regret.
Friday, February 3, 2012
50 Posts
I am hitting my 50th post tonight. My first one was Nov 9th, so I am averaging one post every other day, not bad. Certainly not as frequent as when I started, but I couldn't keep that pace up forever. So, it's Friday night, almost 10pm and I'm writing a blog post. Not super cool of me, but whatever. I wish I had something more going on, was going to go to a comedy show and decided to skip it in favor of going out with Kevin, but now I haven't heard from him and the night is flying by.
I'm not sure how much I've accomplished in these last fifty posts. I have a job now. I'm going to be out of my aunt and uncle's relatively soon. I am certainly doing much better than when I started writing, in a sense. I am feeling much more stable. I am also feeling an increasing loneliness that is really hard to shake. I know a big part of it is living at my aunt and uncle's house, but I also know that it will never be like it was when I had my house.
I know I've said some of this shit before.
--
It's been almost six months since I've talked with Kim. I am definitely feeling good about where I am at in relation to her. I am feeling very over her at the moment. What is hard for me is to reconcile my feelings, because I felt so comfortable and whole when I was pursuing her. It gave me purpose. Now I need a new purpose. I want that purpose to be to write something great, but the ideas aren't flowing to me like they did toward the end of college. Then I could write and write and write. Now I can write and write and write, but not as creatively as I could then. Hopefully it will just come back to me soon.
I think I would really enjoy writing some sketches with people. I used to really enjoy doing that. Again, I don't know what happened. When I hang out with people now, it is rare that someone says, "That'd be a good sketch idea." I don't know why it is. It used to happen all the time. Like writing on my own, I think it will come back, in time.
I've really been enjoying improv recently. I've felt more confident and like I've had more purpose.
--
My aunt and uncle just got home from their dinner. Maybe I'll just stay in tonight. Tomorrow I am going to Manhattan Beach and the next day going to a Superbowl party, so it's not like I'm going to be bored the next couple days. I've been pretty tired during the day and this could be a good chance to get a good rest. Maybe I'll watch Bridesmaids. I have a screener that Josh (my old boss, not Keeler) gave to me.
I don't know! I want to be back in the middle of things. Right now I feel so far out on the periphery.
Anyway, this is all pretty selfish and self-centered. I want to have more to say about other people, but I work alone all day and then have no one to hang out with, ugh, more self-loathing.
--
My cousin is upstairs, he was on his iphone like all night. I would not get a kid in middle school an iphone. I can't stand when people totally disregard you in conversation to look at their phone or when you go to a party and all it is is a bunch of people standing around looking at their phones. An iphone is like a base level of entertainment. It is like the same reason people stop and eat fastfood on road trips, it is always the same and you always can be sure of what you're going to get. If you are at a place that is below the iphone standard of entertainment, you can always rely on it to pick you back up. What these people forget is if they got off their fucking phone and contributed something to the world rather than assuming they must always be entertained by it, the party they were at would probably suddenly get a lot more fun, or maybe not because for the most part those people have no personalities.
--
My grandpa is coming back to stay here again soon. He had an infection in his knee or something and had to go to the hospital for a while. We were all worried for a couple of days, my uncle went up to visit him, but I guess he is ok. They way he will never live alone again. He will probably be here for a long time. I think it is best that I move out soon. That way I can come and visit him and he will be happy. He doesn't like it when the people living here don't tell him where they are going and what they are doing and I just can't do that all the time.
A guy that works with my boss is leaving his apartment is Santa Monica for a couple of months, it is a one bedroom and is rent controlled for $750 a month. Sound like a deal to me. It could be a good transition from here to my new living situation, where ever that ends up being. I've seen some cool little bungalows in Silverlake recently and that is what I'm shooting for.
--
I've been thinking about immigration the last day or so since I had a conversation about it with Kristin. She asked me what my opinion was on it and I told her I didn't think I had a right to be here more than anyone else. She seemed to be of the opinion that illegals were taking from the middle class. Maybe, but even if it is true, just by the virtue that they are middle class, their life is so much better than that of an illegal immigrant. Not that it is richer, necessarily, but they have rights and a vote and health insurance and car insurance and don't have to hide who they are. Immigrants here illegally struggle greatly to get here. I don't blame them.
During my manic episode, I tried to drive to Mexicali from Tijuana, and it fucking sucks down there. Seriously. No one should have to live there. It is a terrible desert wasteland. If that is your home and you like it, fine. But seriously, go do that drive and tell me anyone should not be allowed to hop over that fence and come to where things are a million times nicer. Well, you probably will never do that drive because there are a bunch of drug cartels down there and it's scary as fuck to drive over there and that is exactly my point.
If we legalized everybody, we'd have more people paying taxes (even though I guess most of them would probably get a rebate), you'd have more people in the health care system and less getting basically free emergency room treatment. Why not? Well, mostly because Republicans know if too many minorities get into the country their party is doomed.
Why I think Obama has got the election locked up? Well, aside from Romney's utter lack of personality and the fact that he is a millionaire paying barely any taxes in a time when people think the rich should be paying more taxes and that establishment politicians should be run out of Washington on train tracks? 4 more years of legal immigrants to this country who can vote. 4 more years of young voters. You can't tell me either of those demographics are going to go for a republican. So that being said, Repbulican's need to find a way to find new voters. Romney isn't going to inspire tea party candidates to get out, that's for sure.
--
I've been exercising the last couple days. Like I said, I had gained 10 pounds since I started working. That's some major LBS. I'm feeling pretty good except I get terrible shin splints in my left shin. I stretch it really well before I go but it always ends up getting really enflamed. I wonder how far I'd be able to run if that wasn't the case. Tomorrow it will be a beach run, then I can go quite a bit further.
Getting out to Manhattan Beach will be fun, it always is and it is so unseasonably warm that we will probably be able to go to the beach tomorrow. Might as well party if the world is going up in flames. This time next week I'll be driving to Vegas. I seriously can't wait. So many pals going to be there. It is truly something to be excited about. I'm really bummed Jace wont be able to go, since a big part of the inspiration for the trip was our first go around a few years ago when him and Charlie and I went. Those were the best times ever.
Well, I think this is worthy of a fiftieth post. Still no word from Kevin, fucker. Looks like I am going to stay in after all, get to bed early, get some good breakfast, read the paper like old times, like before I had this God damn job. Job actually isn't so bad though, Stan really is a pretty good guy. I feel bad about writing all that stuff about him before, but he did intimidate the shit out of me for a while there.
Anyway, yeah, signing out.
I'm not sure how much I've accomplished in these last fifty posts. I have a job now. I'm going to be out of my aunt and uncle's relatively soon. I am certainly doing much better than when I started writing, in a sense. I am feeling much more stable. I am also feeling an increasing loneliness that is really hard to shake. I know a big part of it is living at my aunt and uncle's house, but I also know that it will never be like it was when I had my house.
I know I've said some of this shit before.
--
It's been almost six months since I've talked with Kim. I am definitely feeling good about where I am at in relation to her. I am feeling very over her at the moment. What is hard for me is to reconcile my feelings, because I felt so comfortable and whole when I was pursuing her. It gave me purpose. Now I need a new purpose. I want that purpose to be to write something great, but the ideas aren't flowing to me like they did toward the end of college. Then I could write and write and write. Now I can write and write and write, but not as creatively as I could then. Hopefully it will just come back to me soon.
I think I would really enjoy writing some sketches with people. I used to really enjoy doing that. Again, I don't know what happened. When I hang out with people now, it is rare that someone says, "That'd be a good sketch idea." I don't know why it is. It used to happen all the time. Like writing on my own, I think it will come back, in time.
I've really been enjoying improv recently. I've felt more confident and like I've had more purpose.
--
My aunt and uncle just got home from their dinner. Maybe I'll just stay in tonight. Tomorrow I am going to Manhattan Beach and the next day going to a Superbowl party, so it's not like I'm going to be bored the next couple days. I've been pretty tired during the day and this could be a good chance to get a good rest. Maybe I'll watch Bridesmaids. I have a screener that Josh (my old boss, not Keeler) gave to me.
I don't know! I want to be back in the middle of things. Right now I feel so far out on the periphery.
Anyway, this is all pretty selfish and self-centered. I want to have more to say about other people, but I work alone all day and then have no one to hang out with, ugh, more self-loathing.
--
My cousin is upstairs, he was on his iphone like all night. I would not get a kid in middle school an iphone. I can't stand when people totally disregard you in conversation to look at their phone or when you go to a party and all it is is a bunch of people standing around looking at their phones. An iphone is like a base level of entertainment. It is like the same reason people stop and eat fastfood on road trips, it is always the same and you always can be sure of what you're going to get. If you are at a place that is below the iphone standard of entertainment, you can always rely on it to pick you back up. What these people forget is if they got off their fucking phone and contributed something to the world rather than assuming they must always be entertained by it, the party they were at would probably suddenly get a lot more fun, or maybe not because for the most part those people have no personalities.
--
My grandpa is coming back to stay here again soon. He had an infection in his knee or something and had to go to the hospital for a while. We were all worried for a couple of days, my uncle went up to visit him, but I guess he is ok. They way he will never live alone again. He will probably be here for a long time. I think it is best that I move out soon. That way I can come and visit him and he will be happy. He doesn't like it when the people living here don't tell him where they are going and what they are doing and I just can't do that all the time.
A guy that works with my boss is leaving his apartment is Santa Monica for a couple of months, it is a one bedroom and is rent controlled for $750 a month. Sound like a deal to me. It could be a good transition from here to my new living situation, where ever that ends up being. I've seen some cool little bungalows in Silverlake recently and that is what I'm shooting for.
--
I've been thinking about immigration the last day or so since I had a conversation about it with Kristin. She asked me what my opinion was on it and I told her I didn't think I had a right to be here more than anyone else. She seemed to be of the opinion that illegals were taking from the middle class. Maybe, but even if it is true, just by the virtue that they are middle class, their life is so much better than that of an illegal immigrant. Not that it is richer, necessarily, but they have rights and a vote and health insurance and car insurance and don't have to hide who they are. Immigrants here illegally struggle greatly to get here. I don't blame them.
During my manic episode, I tried to drive to Mexicali from Tijuana, and it fucking sucks down there. Seriously. No one should have to live there. It is a terrible desert wasteland. If that is your home and you like it, fine. But seriously, go do that drive and tell me anyone should not be allowed to hop over that fence and come to where things are a million times nicer. Well, you probably will never do that drive because there are a bunch of drug cartels down there and it's scary as fuck to drive over there and that is exactly my point.
If we legalized everybody, we'd have more people paying taxes (even though I guess most of them would probably get a rebate), you'd have more people in the health care system and less getting basically free emergency room treatment. Why not? Well, mostly because Republicans know if too many minorities get into the country their party is doomed.
Why I think Obama has got the election locked up? Well, aside from Romney's utter lack of personality and the fact that he is a millionaire paying barely any taxes in a time when people think the rich should be paying more taxes and that establishment politicians should be run out of Washington on train tracks? 4 more years of legal immigrants to this country who can vote. 4 more years of young voters. You can't tell me either of those demographics are going to go for a republican. So that being said, Repbulican's need to find a way to find new voters. Romney isn't going to inspire tea party candidates to get out, that's for sure.
--
I've been exercising the last couple days. Like I said, I had gained 10 pounds since I started working. That's some major LBS. I'm feeling pretty good except I get terrible shin splints in my left shin. I stretch it really well before I go but it always ends up getting really enflamed. I wonder how far I'd be able to run if that wasn't the case. Tomorrow it will be a beach run, then I can go quite a bit further.
Getting out to Manhattan Beach will be fun, it always is and it is so unseasonably warm that we will probably be able to go to the beach tomorrow. Might as well party if the world is going up in flames. This time next week I'll be driving to Vegas. I seriously can't wait. So many pals going to be there. It is truly something to be excited about. I'm really bummed Jace wont be able to go, since a big part of the inspiration for the trip was our first go around a few years ago when him and Charlie and I went. Those were the best times ever.
Well, I think this is worthy of a fiftieth post. Still no word from Kevin, fucker. Looks like I am going to stay in after all, get to bed early, get some good breakfast, read the paper like old times, like before I had this God damn job. Job actually isn't so bad though, Stan really is a pretty good guy. I feel bad about writing all that stuff about him before, but he did intimidate the shit out of me for a while there.
Anyway, yeah, signing out.
Crohn's Disease
So it turns out a pretty close friend of mine has Crohn's Disease and is about to go off of his parents health insurance. He is worried, though it looks like he is going to be able to get on Cobra until he gets on some other health insurance in about three or four months.
It was really nice to sit down and talk to someone else about what it is like to have that illness. We had very similar experiences, lots of pain durning our first flare up and then lots of remission during the next few years. We were both diagnosed in 2006. We talked about how we both feel like we aren't even sure that we have Crohn's Disease, as our lives have been relatively unaffected since our first flare-ups.
I've been thinking a lot about eugenics recently. Obviously, it is not something I endorse. The Nazi's used eugenics as an excuse to euthanize mentally ill patients and the Jewish people and homosexuals and gypsies, claiming they were perfect the gene pool. I feel like in a lot of ways, the health system in the United States was a form of modern day eugenics. By stamping millions of people with chronic illnesses, you are telling them they are flawed in some way. Then, you have to join the labor force. If you were a jobless person with a chronic illness, there was no way for you to get help (until recently). So according to our government and society, if you were chronically ill and weren't valuable enough for a business to give you health insurance, you were kicked to the curb.
I still have a deep seated worry that something like what happened in Germany could happen in the United States. With Schizoaffective, Crohn's, and sciatica, I'd probably get rounded up and taken out to pasture, no matter how blue these eyes are. It's a weird thought and kind of scary, but it is something I think about sometimes. No doubt drug companies are very happy that there are so many people with illnesses that never get cured. Just like with what Chris Rock said about AIDS and why they will never find a cure, the money is in the medicine.
Had an improv show tonight. It went pretty well. Need to sleep. WORK. Bleh. Someday I wont have to do this shit anymore, but for now, could be worse.
It was really nice to sit down and talk to someone else about what it is like to have that illness. We had very similar experiences, lots of pain durning our first flare up and then lots of remission during the next few years. We were both diagnosed in 2006. We talked about how we both feel like we aren't even sure that we have Crohn's Disease, as our lives have been relatively unaffected since our first flare-ups.
I've been thinking a lot about eugenics recently. Obviously, it is not something I endorse. The Nazi's used eugenics as an excuse to euthanize mentally ill patients and the Jewish people and homosexuals and gypsies, claiming they were perfect the gene pool. I feel like in a lot of ways, the health system in the United States was a form of modern day eugenics. By stamping millions of people with chronic illnesses, you are telling them they are flawed in some way. Then, you have to join the labor force. If you were a jobless person with a chronic illness, there was no way for you to get help (until recently). So according to our government and society, if you were chronically ill and weren't valuable enough for a business to give you health insurance, you were kicked to the curb.
I still have a deep seated worry that something like what happened in Germany could happen in the United States. With Schizoaffective, Crohn's, and sciatica, I'd probably get rounded up and taken out to pasture, no matter how blue these eyes are. It's a weird thought and kind of scary, but it is something I think about sometimes. No doubt drug companies are very happy that there are so many people with illnesses that never get cured. Just like with what Chris Rock said about AIDS and why they will never find a cure, the money is in the medicine.
Had an improv show tonight. It went pretty well. Need to sleep. WORK. Bleh. Someday I wont have to do this shit anymore, but for now, could be worse.
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