My interview got rescheduled for Thursday.
Finished another book yesterday, it was the second book Chris sent me called, The Average American Male. It was quite a juxtaposition to the first book. This one was about a dude that is a complete perv walking around Los Angeles and imagining having sex with just about anyone, as he claims, he would have sex with 98% of women if they would just vanish afterward and no one would know about it. It was pretty funny and I saw more truth in it than I'd like to admit. There was some stuff I really enjoyed about going to the mall at Century City and going to an improv student party, a lot of truth in the way people talked about moving up at the theater, though it was Groundlings. I also agreed largely on his take with relationships and how they slowly devolve, starting with extreme passion ending with extreme ambivalence. That being said, this guy is a complete asshole and no one should ever aspire to be like him, in fact you should aspire to be just the opposite and probably fall somewhere in between.
After reading these books, I felt it was a good opportunity to open up to Chris about what's been going on with me on the relationship end of things, with Kate and what happened with Kim, etc. I was happy to provide him with lots of detail that I've never felt quite like divulging here. It is just what I needed and hopefully it will make for some good conversation when I see him over Christmas. Now that I have fully gotten everything off my chest to someone and I actually have someone to confide in, I feel like I am more able to start moving away from it. Chris told me that Jen probably did not want to talk about it with me because she knew that in order for Kim and I to have a relationship again, I am going to have to get over things, in a certain sense. I agree with her, but the only way for me to do that is to express the things I need to express and I really need an open and receptive ear to do this. I can already feel myself moving into a new level of comfort with where I am at.
I also finished Mental Health Through Will-Training, which I had been reading for the last month or two. In general, I don't feel that Will-Training alone is enough to combat my condition and the book doesn't say that it should be. It claims that you should listen to your doctor first but also try to employ the strategies from the book into your everyday life. The book is aimed toward "nervous patients" and claims that nervous fatigue and other ailments, like headaches, anger issues, abdomen and chest pain, etc. can be healed through will power. I agree with this to some extent. These passages really resonated with me today:
"The dismal dreariness of your existence stares at you. Again, one of those empty days with no plans, no decisions, no accomplishments. You become discouraged, disgusted with the dead monotony that is in store for you, and it is the self-disgust that robs your tissues of their vitality. There is no vigor, zest or incentive with which to start out on the daily routine. Your body is devoid of stimulation; it feels uninspired, flabby, limp. This feeling of limpness you call 'fatigue.'
"You will now understand why, towards the evening, your vitality returns and why, after supper, you 'feel almost well.' There is nothing left for planning after supper, no drabness to be anticipated, no drudgery to be performed in self-disgust. The dreadful day is gone or is going. Nothing is expected of you anymore. You breathe freely now, and your vitality returns."
Here is another passage that agreed with me. This one is geared toward people that tend to be perfectionists. While I am not a perfectionist in every regard, not so much when it comes to cleaning, very true when it comes to executing my life goals, plans, etc.
"Trivial errors, trifling mistakes and insignificant failures caused her to sweat and fret, to wear herself out with vexation and self-reproach. She worried, felt provoked at her fancied inefficiency, was perpetually flustered and confused. The confusion multiplied her record of bungled trivialities and botched irrelevancies. A vicious cycle developed: The more she was confused, the more she bungled; the more persistently she bungled, the more disturbing became her confusion. In the end, she lost confidence in her ability to do things 'correctly,' developed an exaggerated self-consciousness and lost her spontaneity."
The author goes on to explain how through "Recovery" she allowed herself to be average. I could definitely take a lesson in learning to be okay with being average. It is so ingrained in me that I am not average and that I should not accept being average, that that worry probably causes me to be more average than I would otherwise be.
I am about to go to an improv show I am performing at in North Hollywood. The group is called "Wave Rhythms". It's a fun loose group, we do an opening where we "feel the vibrations" and generate ideas for our set in this kind of goofy and might I say chill atmosphere. Since it is just three of us (three cant make it) we are asking another improvisor to join us. His name is Matt Reid and he is funny as fuck. I don't think I've ever enjoyed watching someone do improv more than him.
Well, even though I've been sleeping a lot still, I feel like I've been accomplishing things through reading and writing. I feel like I am starting to make progress with not only with returning to feeling like myself, but growing and becoming better person. I'm sure sometimes I will feel like the average American male, but I would like to spend more time transcending that and becoming a superior man.
I have been able to stop feeling the guilt and blame I had been putting on myself for where I am at. I don't know what has changed, maybe it is time, maybe it is seeing that I have some good things ahead if I can seize them, maybe I am just feeling that way in the present moment. I'm not sure.
My goal: To not go back to sleep after I wake up. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment, so that will be easy. After tomorrow...well I will have an interview Thursday and hopefully have a job after, but after that I will go for a walk in the morning when I am feeling tired.
Will write again after I see where I'm at tomorrow; I have my psychiatry appointment. Oh, I need to refill my medication tomorrow too, always helps to spell it out.
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