I managed to wake up 9:30am today. Knowing I had an appointment at 11:30 helped, gave me some purpose. There was a lot of news about how the republicans are having trouble finding a serious candidate and a lot about the Occupy Wall Street protests getting shut down, pretty much what you would expect.
I left here without giving much regard to my appearance. My psychiatrist told me that I looked tired when I got there, even though I felt pretty good, I think it was one of those cases where I wasn't worried about presenting myself because I was feeling good. My hair is really messy and I am wearing basketball shorts and sandals and a beer sweatshirt.
We had an interesting conversation today. I left feeling more confused than when I came in, which usually isn't the case. First of all, she suggested I not mention people more generally on here so it doesn't affect my relationships and cause people to close off. I think I've been pretty judicious so far when talking about other people and definitely haven't been lashing out, plus, most people reading this either know me well enough that they know who I'm talking about. Those were my arguments. Let me know if you think it is better one way or the other, I'm really not sure.
Today we went into a lot of things, how I tend to hold things inside and have trouble expressing myself emotionally, even though I tend to be very open when it comes to talking about things and revealing things about myself, I rarely cry or get outwardly angry. Usually, when I do cry, it is when I am in the middle of a manic episode. I cried a lot while I was with my ex-girlfriend. I think it is because when we fought, I felt an enormous amount of guilt for wanting to leave her while she was sick. I didn't but I still felt guilty about it.
This sort of relates back to another thing we were talking about today, which is my stepdad leaving after my mom passed away. My brother and I totally had our lives upended, we went from living at the house with my mom and stepdad to living with my dad, luckily he lived nearby, but this was a huge change of pace. I only saw my stepdad twice after my mom passed away, once at Chili's near our birthdays and another time at her funeral. He wasn't even there when we went to spread her ashes up in Mendocino and I don't recall ever wondering why he wasn't around until this moment.
He was very withdrawn, more so as time went on and he seemed checked out from being a stepdad long before my mom died. My family really kind of turned on him durning this time and he just kind of accepted it and moved on. We went over and brought him cookies on father's day, I felt bad for him and wanted to reach out and express that we appreciated him helping raise us over the years, he said he was surprised and he thanked us and that was about it. Soon after, he told us we couldn't just come by the house anymore and moved the key we hid outside.
A year or so late he moved up to Washington, where his brother lives with his family. He never told us he was moving. My brother still went by every once in a while to check in, but I never did. My brother had always been closer with him than I was.
My doctor seems to think this is somehow related to how I am dealing with this issue with the girl I drove to El Salvador for (no longer to be named specifically). Fear of being abandoned, fear of losing someone forever, maybe because this has happened to me in the past, I jump to conclusions about it happening again. Maybe I felt I was being abandoned and that is why I left to get her in the first place. Funny how by playing into my fear it was able to manifest itself in a real way.
Why am I not crying right now?
I remember being at my mom's funeral and wanting to cry, but then, feeling like everyone was watching me and wondering why I wasn't crying and that made me try to cry and then that felt disingenuous and I couldn't force myself to do it.
The only person I've ever been able to cry openly in front of was my ex-girlfriend. I also felt comfortable expressing my anger toward her, which I normally can't do and sadness followed. I knew I could get angry with her and she wouldn't leave me over it. That is a rare thing for me to feel. I definitely didn't feel this way with the girl who won't talk to me (feels a little clunky, right?). I was afraid if I ever expressed anger or frustration toward her, she'd be off and I also was never able to cry in front of her. I've also cried in front of my dad, I've definitely expressed anger toward him, but not in a long time.
So it seems like being able to express legitimate anger in front of someone and being able to cry in front of them go hand in hand, maybe not for everyone but for me. I've cried once during my psychiatry appointment, but it was a week I was not at all stable. It would be good to be able to express more emotion and feel like I'm doing better, but this is hard for me.
Who and what am I angry toward, what am I sad about? I am angry and sad about my mental illness, about having to deal with my mom passing away at a young age and at my stepdad for leaving. I am smad (sad and mad combine into one word) about other people leaving me, about not having a job and generally feeling like I'm not where I am supposed to be. I am smad that when I go home I can't just enjoy myself and be carefree, that this shit will be on my mind, regardless of what happens. Do I feel more sad or mad about any one of these things? I guess I will not know until I let those emotions pour and and see what comes through. It will be a real challenge for me to do that.
Well, my aunt is working out of the house today, so I am feeling like getting out of here for a bit, unfortunately I don't really want to drive far. Maybe I will grab my book and go pull up next to the oceanside for a bit and read and listen to NPR, maybe doze off for a quick minute, then I can come back around four or so and think up something that I've been doing, maybe my go to, basketball in Venice. I guess I could actually go play basketball in Venice, but I probably won't.
I cannot wait to get a job and get the hell out of here.
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