I Am A Big Fat Liar

I just lied and told my cousin I was going to play basketball in Venice. My uncle told me I should come work out with him at four today but I just wanted to hang out and watch the Niners. Unfortunately, I forgot my headphones, right now I’m sitting outside at Pete’s Coffee in Brentwood. MacbookPros abound.

I guess I could go to a bar to watch the game, but there is something pathetic to me about going to a bar alone. I know some people do it and I don’t judge them; I mean more that I would feel pathetic going to a bar alone. Maybe if I was waiting to do something, but even then I’d rather go to a bookstore or coffee shop, those are my sanctuaries.

Like I said earlier, I was really hoping just to hang around today, this is the second day in a row of “hanging around”, but I know tomorrow I will be back to my routine. I called Kevin but he ended up being in San Diego with his quasi-girlfriend after all. I talked briefly with Jen, who is calling me later and I chatted with my dad for a while. His house was broken into in Danville. It makes me wonder, since it has never been broken into before and now he has his recovering drug addict girlfriend living there. I didn’t say anything, but it is shady. My brother recently got some Facebook messages from her ex-husband saying she stole from him. My dad has most of his valuables in a safe, so he didn’t have too much stolen I guess. Why couldn’t he find someone more stable? It werids me out, especially there age difference of like thirty years.

I feel a little guilty about lying to my cousin (and my uncle, who was out at the time) about where I was going, but if I had told him I was going to a coffee shop, he would know I’m avoiding going to the gym with him. I’m not sure why I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to go and it kind of sucks that I need to provide a reason. I miss being able to make my own decisions but for whatever reason I don’t feel like I can.

My uncle can be pushy, not in a bad way; he always had good intentions and he is right, I probably should go to the gym. I remember he used to call the house in the afternoon and tell my brother to throw out the sugary cereal he would snack on after school and eat an apple. Of course, he never would. It is funny to see his own son now, James, is just as picky as Michael was. He doesn’t even try to fight it.

I don’t lie to them that often, just occasionally about where I am going for whatever reason. Sometimes because I want them to think I’ve been looking for a job when I haven’t been or been exercising more than I say; this kind of stuff is important to them. I am definitely a people pleaser, but in sort of a roundabout way. I don’t go out of my way to make people like me, but I am quite adept at keeping attention off of me and keeping people out of my hair.

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Thank goodness for sports. They are one thing I can enjoy as mindless entertainment. Don’t get me wrong, I know there is more going on with any sport than meets the eye, but unlike with books, movies, theater, etc. I can really just turn my brain off and enjoy sports for their entertainment value. It is rare that I enjoy a book or a movie that isn’t intellectually stimulating. I can’t stand reality TV or crime and suspense novels. I don’t blame people that like that stuff (again qualify what I am saying with this, maybe this is a running theme), I’m sure they like it the same way I like football, but I just can’t do it for the most part. I’ll admit to watching Jersey Shore a couple times.

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Everyone is kind of gearing up for Thanksgiving. I’m going to ride back to Danville with Josh, which should be fun. Hopefully we can have a good heart to heart about my qualms with returning. The whole time I’m home I will be thinking about Kim, wondering if she is avoiding me, wondering if Jen and Chris or other friends are seeing her without me; the whole situation is just really shitty and it honestly doesn’t have to be like this. I know what I did was weird, but get over it! Sure, she may not be interested in me anymore, I can understand that, but that doesn’t mean she has to act like I don’t exist or maybe it does, because I’m that charming.

I hope while I’m home I get a chance to have a good one on one conversation with her and clear this whole thing up, but I am expecting that it will be just the opposite of that. My guess is I don’t hear from her or hear anything about her, unless I pry. If I see her, I will tell her I need to talk to her. I’m sure it will be a lot of silence, as I mostly want her to explain herself, then maybe I can try addressing whatever her concerns are. I am starting to wonder if someone from my family asked her not to talk to me. I remember my uncle said something strange to me in the hospital, when I told him that I was trying to get to Kim in El Salvador and now I’ll never see her again, he said, “Well, you’re sure right about that.” I can’t imagine they would do that, but they could have told my friends to tell her to not talk to me. They probably all kind of decided it was for the best or maybe it was just her decision alone, see I really don’t know and if it was her decision, why was it her decision. I mean, obviously I don’t feel the things that I said. As I’ve said, I don’t know if I will ever want to have children. She told me she always thought she would end up with me, that she would always be there for me. This doesn’t at all feel like being there for me and why?—because she was at the center of my plot? All of my friends from improv have been at the center of my plot and they didn’t abandon me. My dad has been at the center of my plot and he didn’t say, “Son, I don’t think we should talk anymore.” It would be fucked up if he did that.

People have been telling me that it is still fresh and that I need to give it time, but I feel like I have; I mean, it’s been almost three months. It seems like forever to me. I just don’t like the idea that I have to give her time, as if she was the one who was hurt by this whole thing. I should be the one who needs time, I should be the one dictating the terms. She should be dying to talk to me, to see that I am really okay and back to being myself, but that isn’t reality, unfortunately.

The other confusing thing is that Jen and Josh have said that it wont be like this forever, that we will be in contact again and this almost makes it harder, like I just have to sit and wait for this arbitrary day coming up where she can come back into my life and I’ll just be sitting here like, happy that she has finally come around. It’s not going to be like that. I will talk to her, but it is going to be increasingly difficult over time. What will I have left to say to her besides, “Fuck you, you left me.”? A big part of me thinks this is what she wants, me to get mad so she will be validated in acting the way she has. I won’t do it, but I will want to.

Well, I see the Niners won again today. They beat a formidable foe in the NY Giants. I’m not sure they will get anywhere in the playoffs, but at least they will be in the playoffs. They have a strong defense and defense wins playoff games, at least that is true in basketball, the sport I know the most about.

I'm kind of mad, I typed this in a Word document first and for some reason I can't get the font to match the font of my other posts. Unprofessional status. Oh well.

I have about another hour of hanging out before I can go back to the Kanoff’s house. Aye. Trapped in my tangled web of lies and it’s kind of cold in here, time to see if I can find a sweatshirt.


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UPDATE


When I got home my uncle was about to leave the gym, later than suspected. I ended up going with him because I can't say no! It ended up feeling good, I'm glad I went. Then I ate sushi and now have an upset stomach.