This is the big news in my life. My aunt fixed the coffee machine here and now it is better than ever. Such a great example of how fortunes can turn around in a flash. I am drinking a cup right now and it tastes delicious, especially considering I thought I would have to go without it for yet another day.
I never was able to continue my post last night. Traffic getting over to Silverlake was terrible. The nice thing about not living over there and having a job in Santa Monica is I don't have to sit through that shit twice a day. Last night, it took me over an hour to get out there. Terrible. Luckily, along the way I was able to make plans with a friend to go get some dinner and go to the show I wrote about.
It was pretty fun, there was an awkward vibe about the whole evening though because of what was unsaid. She was down here visiting this friend a couple weeks ago and he never said anything about it, even though I'm sure he knows I figured out she was down here while they were together and tried calling her. He may come home with me for Thanksgiving, his parents recently moved to Nashville and he isn't going out there for the holiday. If he does come with, it will make my anxiety even worse, since I'm sure they'll want to hang out and because of the circumstances this will have to be without me, then I'm going to be forced to pry for details or awkwardly not bring it up. Also, my best girl friend is moving in with her in San Francisco soon. So frustrating not being in the loop.
Somehow I got really worn out in the middle of writing this and had to take a nap.
I had trouble getting to sleep last night and didn't totally fall asleep until around three. Was pretty proud of myself for getting up at 10:30am today, until I just took a nap that is.
So, yeah, everything feels sort of fucked right now. I am having trouble writing again today, just feel totally exhausted. Part of me wishes I had just brought this stuff up to him, but for whatever reason I just wasn't able to and as I've found, no one is going to bring it up to me.
Once again I am feeling mad about what happened to me, wondering where I would be if my life had continued on the path it was headed, without this drastic change of events. Would I still be in my house? Maybe. Would I still be at my job? Probably. Would I still be pursuing Kim? Definitely. Would I feel this tired if I had stuff to do everyday? Probably not.
I feel like the whole not using names thing has been stifling me a little bit in my writing, so I'm just not going to worry about it. I can always not use a name in a given situation if it's appropriate. The friend I went to visit last night was Sean. He and I have been really good friends since high school. My senior year he was probably the person I spent the most time with, even taking into consideration my family. He has a great life down here. He is producing commercials, which means he works really hard, but then gets free time whenever he wants to plan for it. He just went to visit his love interest in London, she is British.
Before this whole manic episode happened I'd met up with him in a bar called the Cha Cha Lounge and completely updated him on what was going on with Kim, I had been home, confessed my love and it had been well recepted, then I told him about her trip to El Salvador and how I wasn't sure when she was coming home. He suggested we go to El Salvador together and visit her and I thought this was a great idea, even though I'd never be able to afford it. This first planted the idea of going to her in my head.
The day I left to drive to El Salvador, I was very close to going by his place to see if he wanted to make the drive with me spontaneously. I wonder what would have happened had I gone by there first. My uncle had dropped me off at work that morning, because I had gone slept at their house the night before and carpooled with Kevin the day before. When he dropped me off, I went right across the street to the bus station. I took the bus downtown, telling Kevin I was sick and throwing up and to let my boss know, then took the subway to the stop closest my house. I went into the house and started packing things up and told Josh, who was home that my uncle had invited me to go with him on a trip to Hawaii for the week. It was uncanny how good I was at keeping the attention off me and slipping out the door before anyone was able to question me.
I took my guitar and pawned it off at guitar center for $300, this gave me a grand total of $600 for my trip. I somehow had convinced myself that she had fled the country because she knew something bad was going to happen. It's too bad my episode lent itself to this sort of thinking.
The drive down felt amazing. It felt like I was freeing myself from a trap, I was about to go to the real world. Unlike my other manic episodes, during this one I drove patiently and with purpose the entire way. I never was out of control and I never put myself into direct danger by getting naked or by driving super recklessly. I just tried to get to El Salvador and when I realized this wasn't possible, I turned around and went home.
I'm not sure whether or not I was imagining things on the drive home. I would have to make the drive again to know for sure. Some strange things:
- In Mexico my tank was filled up with 20 gallons of gas, much larger than my tank and I made it home with over half a tank left.
- A special entrance at the border called "Senti".
- The beautiful "Nobel" building and UCSD campus.
- Big buildings for the Navy and one for NASA or something like that on the coast.
- Long stretch of beautiful beaches that look like the Gaviota coastline.
- Can't replicate this, but perfect weather the entire way, rolled with the windows down and fog holding off just at the coast line.
When I got back everyone was really worried about me, all of my friends were together at my house. It felt really good for all of them to be there when I got back. The last two times, my journeys had been to meet up with all of my friends and this time, I came home to them. It was a nice ending. I literally thought I had just visited a different dimension and gone through the gates of heaven and hell. I was sure something bad was going to happen to Los Angeles, then Chicago if I wasn't checked into the hospital by 8am the next morning. So the next morning, Jace took me, thank goodness, nice and early. There was a big earthquake in Washington DC the day before, which was very strange and which I thought was somehow related to my experience.
At the hospital I waited a very long time to be checked in, I wanted to flee many times, but having Jace there, telling me that staying was for the best, was really helpful. I trusted his judgement and listened and stayed.
Yeah, I think I am going to have to go back to using names again, it makes things flow for me so much more. It is much more informative and cathartic, I will definitely keep information confided to me by other people out of this thing, but I need to be able to confide things on here and I don't think I can do it without writing openly.
I guess that's good for now. Maybe I'll try writing some more later.
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