Yeah, I did it. I got another cup of coffee. I'm at Silverlake Coffee right right now, the coffee here isn't very good, but it is a good place to kill some time. It is less pretentious than other coffee shops around here, which means it is still very pretentious, but I feel more comfortable just sitting here on my laptop than other places, everyone in here is on a mac except one dude who is on a PC, actually that is a girl. Oops.
This was my go to spot when I lived up the street at Jace's parent's house, when I first moved down to LA. Those were really good times. I was in a good place then. I wrote a screenplay, a play, a bunch of sketches, and multiple episodes of Bros while I lived there, oh and we filmed Bros, over like six months, that was when I really felt most like I was doing it. I woke up at 11:30 or so almost every day and Kristin would be there hanging out a lot of the time and I was busy working at Red Robin and Buca Di Beppo. I hated both of those jobs, but they kept me busy. I remember I would get off from Red Robin, roll back, roll a shitty joint, smoke it secretly out on the balcony, then go off to Buca Di Beppo. I never got very good at rolling joints, even though I wanted to. Rolling a good joint is an important skill for any true stoner to master.
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I don't think I've spoken more than 100 words today. There wasn't really anyone around the house. Since I last wrote, I did mostly what I said I would, watched the Daily Show and South Park, searched for jobs, went on a two mile run, then came over here to check on my mail, which I still haven't been able to figure out.
The Daily Show and South Park are probably more important to my world view than anything else, oh and The Simpsons. If you understand the comedy and healthy skepticism of those shows, then you understand a lot about me. I am an extremely skeptical person, normally. This last time I got manic, I stopped being skeptical and started believing everything I shouldn't and also was believing everything I probably should believe was a complete lie, let me explain...I'd believe things like conspiracies about Kennedy's death, or the government hiding technology from us, or Sept. 11th being a conspiracy or an asteroid heading to hit Earth, etc, things that now seem absurd that I read on the internet, yet I also believed that most mainstream news is a complete distraction trying to distract us from the truth, which is that we are all going to die soon or there is going to be some big war coming or something.
Some people say getting manic feels good and maybe it does a little at first, when it is at a point I would consider a healthy fluctuation in mood, but that isn't really what I'd consider manic. When you are sure that there is going to be a world war or that you are going to get killed by aliens or a giant asteroid, or that everyone on Earth but a few people are robots, or that terrorists are going to put a bug in vehicles that cause all cars to crash and airplanes to explode, or that China is going to cause a huge earthquake in the city you're in, it doesn't feel good at all. Luckily, even without medication or a doctor, days like this have only come along three times, once every two or three years. Unfortunately, when they did come along, they would manage to fuck up my life pretty good, whether it was having to be in the hospital and miss a quarter of school and getting an "F" in one class because my teacher was an idiot, having my car broken into all my stuff stolen, getting beaten up and having to delay moving into my new apartment, or this last one, having to be in the hospital a week, quitting my job, not being able to find a new apartment, moving in with my aunt and uncle, and ruining one of my closest most special relationships.
Last time, I got obsessed with the idea that there are cameras everywhere and that everything was being filmed all the time, everyone was always being watched, 1984 style. Maybe I'll go more into detail about 1984, The Road, Catch-22, Children of Men, Donnie Darko, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and The Shawshank Redemption sometime and how I weaved them all into my narrative or maybe I won't, I don't know, but all that shit was involved.
I thought some kind of transformation was going to begin on Nov 3rd or Nov 8th that would culminate on Dec. 21st, 2012. Nothing has happened. I haven't really been thinking about it much, since I've been back to reality for quite some time, but turns out an asteroid did pass close to Earth on the 8th, closer than any has come since the 70s, oh and Steven King released a book about someone going back in time to stop the death of JFK, which is relevant to my episode. My dad's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the same time the assassination of John F. Kennedy was unfolding (talk about tragedy), his mom died of cancer when he was sixteen, the same age I was when my mom died of brain cancer, I don't need to go more into it than that, but I connected all that stuff.
South Park was about conspiracy theories today, making fun of the History Channel for their programming about aliens. They did a whole funny bit where the History Channel alleges that aliens were at the first Thanksgiving. I thought it was really funny.
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People will be getting off work relatively soon and that will give me something to do before I go to Mach improv. I love this weekly show I've been doing for about the last half year. It is a group of 30 or so improvisors put on four random teams and they each do twenty minute sets. The shows aren't always great, but it is really fun to do improv with so many different people, when a show is good it is really pleasing.
Doing improv is so enjoyable to me for the same reason sports are enjoyable, which is funny since a lot of improvisors disdain sports, but it is an opportunity to get completely lost in play. When you are having a fun improv set, you are completely wrapped up in the game of the scene and are playing with all of your teammates, passing the ball back and forth, there is nothing else, only what is going on in the world of the scene you are doing, it has it's own rules, that you make up on the spot and then it disappears. There is really no point in ever explaining a good improv scene to someone, it just doesn't translate.
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I am feeling, again, a little bit better today. I felt better yesterday and the day before. Last Monday was a huge blow to me. I found out that Kim was back in Danville the whole time I had been home, had blocked me on Facebook, and was in LA at the Hollywood sign, hanging out with Sean on Halloween. I had figured she deleted her Facebook and was still in El Salvador and we would figure out things when she got back. Unfortunately, I don't have the benefit of things being that simple.
The next few days I basically just slept and felt like that typical depressed guy, like Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers or something. I didn't want to do ANYTHING except sulk and sit around, I've never felt like that this intensely before. Now I am more in a pissed off mood at her and the situation. If you ever need to listen to break up music, listen to Whatever and Ever Amen by Ben Folds Five, it has some love songs, actually not really, only one, but a lot of great anti-love songs, some of them are really funny, some are really sad...
1. Song for the Dumped - This is the most obvious. "Give me my money back you bitch and don't forget, to give me back my black t-shirt."
2. Brick - This song is about your girlfriend choosing to get an abortion and hiding it from your parents and it dragging down your relationship, like a brick.
3. Selfless, Cold and Composed - This is about someone being too cool to feel emotion when you are going through what should be a fight and all you want is for shit to blow up.
4. Smoke - This is about burning all the memories of a relationship.
5. The Battle of Who Could Care Less - A sardonic song about a girl he is obsessed with but clearly disdains.
6. Evaporated - "I poured my heart out...It evaporated." Need I say more?
So yeah, this last week I have been feeling a lot of different feeling of frustration, anger, sadness, guilt, regret...those are the main ones. I seem to be kind of figuring stuff out now, I wish that could have happened before any of this happened, as it has messed up a friendship that is very important to me, that's where most of the feelings are coming from. I am trying to be understanding of where she is coming from, but it is really hard for me, because I don't even really know why she isn't talking to me. Is she weirded out? Does she think it's best for me? Does she feel responsible for what happened? Probably all of them, but I won't really know 'til we have that conversation, right now that feels more like an if we have that conversation.
A big part of me just wants to say, "Fuck her" and just move on, but then another part of me knows I will never break my promise of always being there for her, regardless of how she treats me, whenever, if ever she is ready to talk to me, I'll be there. It isn't really being the bigger person to call yourself the bigger person, but, yeah, I'm just going to say it, I feel like I'm being the bigger person. I made this sketch a couple years ago, Skinny Love is one of her favorite songs, I think it pretty much sums up our relationship.
It is no longer light. I think I'm going to go celebrate being a bigger person by eating a Tommy's Chili Cheese Burger, even though it is likely to give me heartburn and maybe a stomach ache... because I deserve it!
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