This has been a struggle for me and the doctors to figure out for years. The first couple times after I was hospitalized, the doctors never even really went into detail with me about pinning down a diagnosis, maybe because they just weren't sure. I was happy about that, like I said, I never really wanted the stigma of having a mental illness and because I didn't have a label, I was able to brush it aside like I didn't have one at all.
Now, my doctor has told me it could be bipolar or schizoaffective, but last time I saw her she eluded to the possibility it could be something else all together. To me, it sounds more like schizoaffective, but my case doesn't seem as extreme as the symptoms they detail, my truly psychotic symptoms seemed to last only a few days in every case.
So, maybe bipolar, but I'm not positive I suffer from "major depression" either. Once I was out of the hospital, I had a week or so of what I would call major depression, where I was having anxiety attacks and stuff, but I have never felt that way before and haven't felt it since. Then with this situation the last couple weeks, but I was hurt really bad by a specific situation and even though I was personally really hurt, I didn't feel completely overwhelmed as much as I felt like I cut myself some slack and allowed myself to wallow a bit, so I'm not sure it really counts. Normally in my life, people tend to comment on how my mood always seems to be the same, pretty upbeat. When I worked at Red Robin, people often asked how I came in with a good attitude every day, same with when I ran student council in college.
Even on a day like today, where I don't really have much going on and I am by myself most of the day, I feel alright. Yeah, I've been sleeping quite a bit, but it's not like I haven't been able to get up and do things or enjoy things. I've also, thank goodness, never had suicidal thoughts or the urge to hurt myself at all. I have had some manic symptoms, but those are few and far between. I don't know if I really get mild mania, except the few times it has been a precursor to these manic episodes. I can think of one time, when I was with Kate and I was really into making these videos, I had trouble sleeping for one night, but then was able to catch up. During this time, I also told Kate I wanted her to move closer to me, which was big mistake. It felt really nice to have someone there to help keep me grounded at the time.
I also don't feel like I suffer from hypomania, I know someone that was diagnosed with hypomania and he is constantly planning and scheming about how his script he is writing is going to blow up, etc. I don't have those kind of big expectations.
So what do I have? I feel like my depressions are pretty mild, it has never really felt overwhelming to me, except like I said, maybe when I switched my meds this last time I got out of the hospital from Zyprexa to Geodon. It is the mania that is completely overwhelming. Maybe people thinking I am always in a good mood in these work situations has to do with me being a people pleaser more than actually being happy. In general, I want people to like me and think I am nice, so I don't go into situations with people I don't know well with a bad attitude.
Depression may run in my family. My mom used to sleep a lot, like I do, her mood always seemed pretty stable, but she was a people pleaser like me. She was always worried about how my brother and I acted and how that would reflect on her as a mother. Maybe she wasn't always as happy as she seemed. My dad on the other hand would have long periods of being angry with my brother and I when we were younger, for basically no reason. I think this probably was undiagnosed depression and may have had something to do with why my mom and him got divorced.
In the end though, I know it isn't my job to be diagnosing myself, it is the job of my doctor and I'll trust whatever conclusion she comes to. I know the experiences I've had regardless of whatever label gets put on them.
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I just talked to Jen on the phone, she was giving me an update on her new boyfriend, Jean Marc and told me Kim was her only friend that had met him. For whatever reason hearing that made me sad, probably because I was imagining Kim and Jen and this guy I don't know all having fun together and know there was no way I could have been there and now I am thinking about how Jen and Kim probably hangout more than Jen is letting on. So it goes.
Tonight I am going to see Gilli and a bunch of other friends on a new Harold Team at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, called Winslow. I am extremely proud of her; she was the first of our group to make it onto a team. We have all been fighting for this for the last couple years and it is extremely pleasing to see someone I know and have done improv with for years succeed in that way. A lot of other friends are on the team too, I've had other friends get on teams, but this is the first team to be made up of mostly all people I know. I feel like a new era of UCB is finally arriving and after three years am finally starting to feel part of the community in a real way.
Yay.
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