I wrote a post earlier and decided to delete it, lets just say the title was "tragic". Felt a little melodramatic. Was what happened to me tragic? Let's deconstruct. In order for something to be a tragedy you have to have a tragic hero, okay check there. In order to be a tragic hero you must have a fatal flaw and what would this flaw be for me? What is it inside of me that allowed for this situation to happen? Maybe that I was two open when I should have hid some of the thoughts and feelings that I had. I trusted too much, I believed too easily. If the same situation happened and I hadn't sent those emails, I would have avoided a large part of this.
And what are the consequences? Well, I'm not dead, happy to say, so in that way this whole thing hasn't been totally tragic. I certainly have a chance to right things and I will, in time. In fact this time I put myself in much less danger than I had in the past. I might have been driving to El Salvador, but I was cool and collected and very patient, also when things didn't work out on the drive I turned around and went home. I didn't end up naked in a cop car and I didn't drive erratically, which I did both of the first two times.
However, the first two times I didn't do any permanent damage to any relationships in my life. Most people kind of heard about things second hand and the few that were around were supportive. In both cases I bounced back quite quickly, I felt "good" again within a couple weeks. I know my brother was thrown off by things for a while, but he was still talking to me, so we were able to build a relationship back. This time isn't so easy, for one reason. Hate to keep harking back on it, but now that I am going home in a few days it is more and more on my mind.
When is she going to talk to me again? When she gets word that I'm over it? I really don't know. It just feels so shitty. Ah, here I go again, getting all gloomy, the exact reason I deleted my last post. I started trying to write an outline for a script about what is going on with me, thinking it might be a good way to vent some more and especially since I am getting some good feedback from people saying I should do something more with my writing. It is so hard to delve back into that past specifically though, especially considering I have no closure with the experience yet.
Closure will never come, I don't think. I have been looking for closure since the first time I tried to get over her, since my mom died, I got it with Kate, but I doubt she did, maybe she did, now that she's engaged to someone else.
So what's the next best thing to closure? Forgetting? I am trying, but obviously not doing a very good job, considering I am sitting here writing another post similar to one I just spent an hour or so writing just to delete. In fact, like I said before, over time I am thinking about it more, well first a lot then less then more and I'm sure it will be more and more until I go home, probably not until deep into next year will I really be able to start to put it behind me, maybe. It's really going to bother me if we're not talking by then.
Some more good lyrics from this band:
I'm afraid I'll never understand baby,
I'm so sorry you had such a bad time.
Well I've done some truly awful things
And you must be very terrified
Well you have every reason to be frightened
Since you been reading my mind
Who am I to deny this moment
And who am I to even question it?
There is a cross on a mountain baby
There is a cross glowing over your head
Please break this spell you have me under
Every heart is a lonesome hunter
Please break this spell you have me under
Every heart is a lonesome hunter.
Waiting in a car
Waiting for a ride in the dark
The night city grows
Look and see her eyes, they glow
Know how that is, M83.
I came over to Silverlake tonight figuring I'd find something to do by the time I got here, but no one is around. I have a show at 9:30, I think I'm going to stick around for another half an hour and if I don't here from anyone, I'm going to go back to the Palisades and I'll send them an email letting them know I can't do the show and just tell people I'm not up for going out tonight. I am honestly just feeling really down, like I can feel myself bumming people out right now just typing this. It would probably help to hang out with people, but maybe I can get that going tomorrow if people are less busy, sitting here in this coffee shop all night is no good, at least in the Palisades I can hang out with whoever from my family is at the house, maybe call Jen. I could use a good conversation with her right about now.
Eck, don't even know that I want to post this, but I guess I will.
Back to the Palisades for me. What a waste of gas! Well, considering how I'm feeling, probably best that I don't drink tonight in any case.
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