Sleep feels so good

So, I'm having one of those days. Not feelings particularly depressed, but just feeling like everything is a struggle. Eating is a struggle, getting out of the house is a struggle, writing this is a struggle. Even while I'm typing, it is hard to keep typing. All I want to do is get in bed and sleep. Laying down feels so good, like, you know how you feel when you wake up in the morning time on a weekend and you feel so perfectly comfortable lying in bed and you just fall back asleep? That's what it feels like when I lay down. I am trying hard to fight the urge to do that, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I woke up at 10:30am today, which isn't bad, except that I fell asleep before 12am. Hm. Maybe I'll just lie down for a minute.

Deep Thoughts

So it is Sunday night and a rare rainy day in LA. I haven't written a blog in a while and I don't really feel like playing catchup on everything that has been going on in my life, suffice it to say, it is a lot, like usual. I am writing tonight because I am having thoughts and feelings that I haven't had in a while. I used to feel like this a lot in high school, introspective, thinking and contemplating life and what it meant to be alive and who and what I wanted to be as I got older.

I think, as time has gone by and I've gotten older I get so caught up in just getting by each day that I forget about the larger stuff a lot of the time. I watched a documentary called "Magic Trip" with Stefan today about Ken Kesey and the merry pranksters and their trip to the Worlds Fair. There is something about the pure creation, freedom, exploration that is really moving to me.

In the movie, Kesey explains One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and about how the bad guy of the movie isn't the nurse, that she is part of the institution and that it is the institution that is the bad guy, that the movie is really about the struggle of man and the machine, McMurphy loses because he fights the institution, the Chief wins by breaking free.

That is what the pranksters do in the movie, they don't struggle fighting against the ideas they are abjectly against, they instead pave their own path, exploring and creating everywhere along the way. They are truly free in every respect. It is interesting to see how different America was only half a century ago. They are sitting on top of a bus, driving down the highway and when a cop pulls them over they all jump out of the bus and start recording him with cameras. I can't imagine how many cops would be called, how many people would be tazed, how many thousands of dollars of fines would be thrust upon them. Of course, in another sense, the civil rights movement was just picking up steam at this time and there was still segregation in the South.

I sometimes wonder if there still even is a fight between man and machine. I don't think so. I think man and machine have merged. Man has become part of the machine and it is almost impossible to break out of it. I think about that with Apple, like the time before computers and digital technology as Eden, and we tasted the forbidden fruit and Eden was lost. It is no mistake that Apple's logo is an apple with a bite out of it. Some people have thought about technology and machines in that way for a long time, as something that is meant to liberate man, not enslave him. I go back and forth about how I feel about it.

I have wanted nothing more for most of my life than to escape from being part of that machine and now I am struggling to find a place in it, or figuring out whether I want a place in it at all. The Fleet Foxes lyric is "I was raised up believing, I was somehow unique, like a snowflake, distinct among snowflakes, unique in each way you can see. And now after some thinking, I think I'd rather be, a functioning cog, in some great machinery, serving something beyond me."

Serving something beyond you is important. Here is the thing I am struggling with, my aunt had me read this book about mental illness and will power and in it, the author goes to great lengths to describe how people with mental illness have this aspiration for their life to be great, constantly romanticizing and intellectualizing, they are never okay with being average, having a normal job, raising a family, having a significant other and going through each day, like most everyone else does.

So which side should I fall on? When is it time to give up the dreams that I have and take whatever comes along?

It's an interesting question and not something I've figured out yet. Living a normal life would be a lot easier for me if I found success in the career path I am aiming for. I've been doing a ton of imrpov and I'm putting together a standup set and making sure I'm prepared with an original pilot and will start writing a spec script soon, so I'm prepared if this internship I'm at turns into a writer's assistant job.

Anyway, getting very tired. Everything looked really pretty tonight driving home as the rain clouds cleared out and the ocean shook around violently. More later. Sleep now.

Fork in the Road

So a lot has changed since Thursday of last week, when I got into a fight with my boss and left the office in the middle of the day and drove to Zuma and walked down the beach and tried to figure out what the hell I was going to do.

On Thursday my boss emailed me a long list of criticisms that he had never addressed before and they took me by complete surprise. Couple that with the fact that I was running back and forth across town stressing out about getting this DVD. The email really upset me and I wasn't really sure how to address it. I dropped his DVD off and told him I needed to take the rest of the day off, which of course, he said was "unacceptable". Everything to him is either a "disaster" or "unacceptable".

For the first time in months I disregarded my emails and just drove up the coast to be alone. Zuma was very empty, except for a few older couples walking around. It felt so good to have my bare feet walking on the wet sand and then down into the cold water of the Pacific. I walked up and then back down the beach over about an hour. Then I tried to lay down on my beach towel, but it was a bit too cold, so I left and went home.

I responded to my boss' email as straightforward and thoroughly as possible. I didn't want to incite him, but I also wanted to stick up for myself on the points where I felt like he was totally off base, I don't even want to get into the specifics, it makes me stressed just thinking about it and in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I don't work for Stan Brooks anymore. This is probably the last time I will write his name. I don't even like looking at it. I tried really hard to come into work with positive energy, but he sucked it all out of me. You know when everyone else that works on the project is telling you that you are doing a great job and your boss is being a dick that you aren't all in the wrong. When his accountant tells you, "I know how he is, you can vent to me," you can assume, the guy is a dick.

So the truth about Stan? His old company, Once Upon A Time, went bankrupt and he was sued because he didn't pay a lot of the people on the last project he did. His old assistant quit and left Los Angeles because of the stress from the job and because she was sick of "Hollywood types", aka, Stan.

On my first free day I went to Venice Beach and bought some cheap sunglasses and went and read my book about Nichola Tesla in the library. What an amazing guy. It is very safe to say, the modern world would not exist without him, or at least it would have been delayed a great many years. Many of the things he foresaw, worldwide wireless communication and wireless transmission of power are only now being realized, over a hundred years later. He believed he was going to achieve them in his lifetime, if only he could have found the financing.

Over the weekend, I got to do a lot of improv. I started my advanced study class and there are a lot of great, really fun people. My favorite exercise was when we did a montage as CEOs. We had no trouble taking it to the extreme. After that I went and hung out with Josh at his place and then with Jace and Justin. I felt kind of bad because I interrupted their smoking session. I know Jace will probably never smoke want to smoke with me again. I can't blame him. He saw me at my worst on the way to the hospital and in emergency. Anyway, I was there for a bit then went back to the Palisades.

My dad and uncle and aunt have all been really supportive. Their argument being he made a mistake in hiring the wrong person and you need to find a job that is right for you. That being said they are already on me about getting a recommendation from Stan, which I don't think is a good idea. I really want to give this internship I just landed a 100% go and see what happens.

Earlier this week I emailed American Work, Scot Armstrong's production company I was supposed to start working for before I went to work at Stan & Deliver. Jesus, I am so happy I will never have to correct someone, "Stan and Deliver" "Stand and Deliver?" "No, Stan and Deliver." Again. I can't wait to start this internship. They are helping produce the new NBC sitcom BFF and have been involved in a lot of great movies, Old School, Hangover, etc.

The tough thing is now I will have to be over on the other side of town Mon, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun. Yipes.

Yes, on Sunday I also started a new practice group. It was a little stifled in our first practice, which I guess can be expected, but we have a lot to do before our first show at March Madness in a couple weeks. I have no doubt Sticky Nights would have had a much better show, but for whatever reason, maybe not having a coach? We didn't get in.

So, that is where I'm at. I am feeling really relieved and really good about my new direction. There is a lot of comedy and improv ahead in my life. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of money in the immediate future, but I am set up so that if I work hard I should be able to land a job that I like sooner or later. Just about keeping my aunt and uncle at bay until then.

Here we go!

Dad's Birthday

I'm at work right now, but things are really slow. My boss is in Toronto and is leaving to Boston today to teach a class at Brandeis, where he is an alumni, so I have a little time to write.

I am pretty worn out today, I don't know why that is, I went to bed pretty early last night and even got to sleep in a little bit later than usual. I've been feeling a lot less tired since we lowered my medication from 300mg to 200mg, but not feeling it today. I've been sipping on a coffee, but that hasn't done much of anything yet.

I flew in to Oakland on Friday to celebrate my Dad's birthday. He turned 64. He is starting to seem a little older these days. I mean, he slowed down a lot physically quite a while back, but his mind also doesn't seem as sharp as it has been in the past, but I guess that's what happens when you start to get old. Don't get me wrong, he is still totally capable and overall much sweeter and seemingly happier than when my brother and I were growing up.

I love flying. On both of my flights I got the window seat and looked out the window and tried to recognize all the different neighborhoods at night. It's funny, now that I am so used to looking at things from an ariel view, due to Google maps, when I am flying in a plane, I don't feel nearly as high up as I used to, that also has to do with the fact that the flight from LAX to OAK doesn't get you that high up.

When I was a kid, I remember seeing all the lights of the city glowing down below me filled me with wonder and awe, it seemed magical. Now I sort of deplore how we've taken the land and commandeered  it and used it for our own purposes. I like that part in the Arcade Fire song Sprawl II, where she sings, "and like a river the city lights shine, there calling at us come and find your kind." and then "and like a river the city lights shine, there screaming at us we don't need your kind." I think that is very true, how it has changed for me from a object of fascination to disdain. From up above you can really understand more how humans are just the world's biggest ants.

For some reason music sounds better while your up there too. I think it is quite literally, just a change of perspective.

On the way home I sat next to a young couple, probably a couple years younger than me and they were arguing when we first got on the plane. I really wanted to lean over and just say, "Listen, just give up now, this relationship isn't going to work out." The girl was begging for a fight, just like Kate used to do with me, but this guy was a true master. He some how turned everything on it's head and just by asking her questions about her day and seeming interested in her life put her in a good mood. It was quite masterful, he never got caught up in her negativity at all.

My brother, my dad, and I all went to "Home of Chicken and Waffels" on Saturday in the early afternoon. The story of this place is pretty funny. It used to be a Roscoe's, which is the home of chicken and waffels and the people that ran it basically stole their recipe, shut down, and opened up as Home of Chicken and Waffels. It was good.

Then I went to my brother's house. We jammed out on the guitar and he said he could tell I've been playing, which was a cool compliment, then he showed me Skyrim, which I bought him for Christmas and then his buddies Dan and AJ came over and we played some Mario Tennis from N64. He and Dan smoked pot while I was there, I did not. Was a minor accomplishment for myself.

That night, I took BART into the city. I didn't realize it at all until I was at Lafayette BART, but it was the first time I'd been to the city and the first time I had been at the Lafayette BART station since I had been with Kim. It is hard to believe that it was only seven months ago. It feels like a lifetime ago.

Josh was doing a script reading for an audition that I helped him out with and it was an Apatow comedy about a guy who finally finds the girl of his dreams and then they go on vaation and she dies. This is basically where I feel like I'm at with Kim. It's like she is dead. It's a shame. Well, we are both going to Courtney Sampson's wedding in October, so we will certainly see each other by then.

Anyway, I was on BART, more or less feeling like I wanted to break down in tears, remembering the specifics of that night, which, for my own sake I'm not going to relive right now. I wrote a little something down while I was riding, kind of trying to explain the modern human condition, like I said earlier, stuff that came to mind while I was flying above the Earth in the plane, about why we've created all this shit we've created. I think a big part of it is man's urge to become God of his own universe and how he will never be able to control nature, so he builds around him an environment where he is in control, but this takes him away from the natural world and takes him away from his true nature.

It feels really good to be able to think about this kind of stuff again. I don't think I'd had a thought like that for months before Dr. Foster reduced the strength of my medication. It wasn't a destructive thought, but rather a profound one. I've also been writing down jokes, which I hadn't done at all for months and months.

When I made it to San Francisco, I walked to a birthday dinner Chris was at. My friend from high school, Nick Degolia was also there, as well as Nicole Fogarty, who's birthday it was. I was at the end of a table and had a great conversation with a girl that works on Google's self driving car, with Nick, and this other dude from Berkeley who kept insisting Danville was in "the valley". I had never heard anyone call the San Ramon Valley "the valley" before. It was the best conversation I'd had with strangers in a while. This is what I love about San Francisco in comparison to LA, that I've found, people are interesting, people are interested in talking and meeting new people and having new experiences, they are quick to laugh, even if it's just to be polite, they actually look at you like they are interested in what you are saying, and even though they all have iphones, don't bust them out in the middle of your conversation. As we walked down the street there, everyone was smiling, happy, walking with energy, not trying so hard to look cool that they suck the life out of everything they touch. It was really refreshing.

It doesn't help that every time I go to San Francisco it is 70 degrees. I only see the city on the most beautiful days. Chris has a spiral staircase in his place that leads up to the roof and we went up there and took in the view.

It was great night. The next morning we drove his roommates into Danville to take them to Domenico's, a really amazing sandwich shop. One of his roommates had been saying he wanted to open a sandwich place, so we took him there to show him how it's done. They loved Danville, it was pretty hilarious, comparing it to Desperate Housewives and Pleasantville, very apt comparisons that it took them about five minutes to figure out.

I went back to my dad's and we watched some bball and watched An Idiot Abroad, a show where Ricky Gervais sends this regular guy, Karl Pilkington around the world to do things that would typically be on someone's bucket list. Of course, he doesn't want to do any of it.

What a trip. By the end I was thoroughly worn out. I was happy to be back in my bed in Los Angeles and went to sleep pretty early. I am still tired, yeah I said that. Well, I'm doubling back on things again, so I should probably close it up. I just want to also point out how that even though I talked about quite a few subjects in this post I managed to hold it all together in a coherent narrative. Something I wasn't really doing previously. I can feel my writing chops coming back a little bit. Feels good. I feel good. Boss comes back Wednesday. Ugh. Time to work.